It snuck up on me like a common cold. First I thought it was nothing and now I know it’s something. A special thanks to A Cup Of Jo and this Huffington Post article for confirming my current reality: weaning can do weird things to the brain.
I first wrote about weaning in the beginning of December in this post. It was happening and although I was sad, we never got a chance to reach the end. A day after I wrote that post, Waylon caught a stomach bug and regressed back to nursing three times a day. For a week it was the only thing he could keep down, and while I should have been frustrated, my only emotion was relief.
Two months later and we begin again. I went away this weekend with my girlfriends and while it was great, it was also the longest Waylon and I have been apart and not nursed. So I thought: maybe I should just let this be the end. He’s strong, independent, completely fine without it, and if I start now–there will have never been a conscious ”last time” for my sentimental spirit to endure. Maybe we can easily transition into being weaned! Maybe this is all it takes.
So far, I imagine this is what postpartum depression feels like; an inexplicable sadness combined with a dull ache in my chest. I walk around the house like someone died. Nothing interests me, all food tastes the same, my body is on autopilot. I try to explain it to my friends, but I can only choke back tears.
I tell you this not to evoke pity, but to examine the science. I was never a breastfeeding fanatic, nor did I plan to nurse this long, and yet this change feels strangely heartbreaking.
Unfortunately no one ever talks about depression after weaning. Before A Cup Of Jo’s blog post, I didn’t even know it existed. What a cruel joke; 19 months of feeding a baby only to be followed by sadness instead of celebration. I can’t even tell you why I’m sad, but only that I am sad. Something isn’t right. Something chemical. Something not chemical. There is a tenderness in my bones that needs healing.
I’m going to take that time to heal now.
As always, thank you for listening. It takes a village and you are part of that village.
Oh Kate. This makes my heart hurt. I rejoice with you in what you’ve done- it’s a miracle to travel this journey so long. I can’t imagine reaching the end. Carter was formula fed from month 4 on and I never mourned our nursing relationship. It was frustrating, tear-filled and I was happy to see it go. My experience with Maclane is so, so different. I mean, the kid won’t even take a bottle. I’m going away for four days in March and I worry so much that my time away will be detrimental. I can’t imagine having to stop now, days from now, weeks from now. Who am I? I never even knew this would evoke such feelings in me. I have a feeling I’ll need to return to this post in a few months. Hang in there, Mama. I’m sure that tenderness will heal itself in time.
Thank you, A.
Kate, I feel for you! I felt broken when I decided to stop nursing Phoebe. And healing takes time.
I find myself wishing it was six months from now.
Loved this. This was so good. When I read cup of Jo before weaning I thought tht would never be me. We nursed a long time and I was SO READY. And then it happened and instead of celebrating, I felt so sad. And I couldn’t explain it. Two months later and there is still a piercing of the heart that comes and goes. But it is good. It’s just hard. It’s just another reminder that my baby is less dependent on me. And though I don’t want dependence from my kids, well, it’s hard to acknowledge how quickly time really is moving. Thank you for putting this out there. No one told me about this.
Understand completely.
I hate that you are going through this, but I love that I will be able to talk to you about this if/when I go through it. For so many months I was counting down, anxiously waiting to reach my 1 year goal when I would finally let myself quit. I recently passed the 11 month mark and now as I think about weaning, I already have a strange sad feeling in my belly.
The transition in breastfeeding is so subtle. It goes from being physically painful and a chore to a ritual and intense bond, especially during the toddler transition. I never knew.
A tenderness in the bones – yes. I haven’t weaned Tate, but that is what postpartum felt like to me. I am putting off weaning until I don’t know what. Another baby usurps the position? Maybe.
I hope you feel normal sooner than later.
Thank you, M.
I have a one week old baby today and I’ve been having some pretty bad baby blues, so I know the feeling. I nursed my daughter for only 10 weeks and it was so hard and full of frustration I wasn’t sad to see it go. And now that I’ve nursed for a whole week and its going good, I’m having a hard time with the demand of it. With formula I could just increase the amount a little, and sleep a lot longer! I just keep telling myself to stick with it for 6 months. Its a weird thought to think that I might miss it someday. Dang it! Isn’t being a mom hard enough with out all these hormones? Why do our bodies do this to us?
So sorry about the baby blues. Even though it’s so totally normal, it’s still overwhelming and hard.
I said this in another comment, but the transition that happens in breastfeeding is so subtle. It IS hard in the beginning. Taxing and draining and an inconvenience. Do what you need to do for your family (formula is the bees knees, too!), but it DOES get better. I can promise you that.
I know this sounds crazy and everybody hates them, but Kourtney Kardashian wrote about this on her blog a couple of years ago about weaning her first child. Essentially, it was logical that they would both be ready to wean, so she followed steps x, y, z to wean and both the physical and emotional reactions (so much moreso for her than her child) were completely debilitating. Between feeling guilty that she was potentially going against what her baby still wanted and needed and trying to find her identity again after one of her main purposes in life was to sustain another life, she couldnt see through the fog of being just plain sad. I wish I could find you the exact link, the more you find people who feel the way you do, the less alienating the feelings are. First time babies are hard! Every new experience is a rush of emotions that you’ve never felt before and you have to navigate that. You will come out the other side :)
I needed this. Thank you. (And it doesn’t sound crazy. She’s a mom warrior too.)
I cried for days. My husband was confused. “Aren’t you happy? I thought nursing was a pain?” Sometimes, yes. But other times, it wasnt. And mostly, I learned to love it. I think this is why it’s nice to have more than one kid…(whenever you’re ready). Now you get to enjoy it again. That’s where I’m at now. (remind me of this when she wakes up 293820938 a night for my boob)
Hang in there…I think it will fade after a few weeks. But nevertheless, it still hurts a little and feels, depressing. Yea. It does. hugs, friend.
Kate, I had a total mental health breakdown when I weaned my Waylon and I feel so sad for what you’re dealing with right now. I’ve dealt with depression most of my life, but the crazies that snuck up on me after breast feeding were like nothing I’d ever dealt with before. Don’t be afraid to find some help. You’re not alone, and it WILL get better!
Thanks for making me feel less crazy.
This post hits too close to home. Just weaned my 14 month old last weekend and it…hurts. I can totally relate to this inexplicable grief that overcomes you. I had been nursing her to sleep since day 1 and now all of a sudden I’m not. I feel guilty for taking away her only source of comfort and trying to replace it with boting old ‘rocking to sleep’.Still can’t get myself to sleep train her!
I thought I was so ready for this to be over but all of a sudden I get this urge to nurse her one last time. This is despite the fact that I did consciously nursed her one last time to get closure but I guess it didn’t help. :(
Why are we never happy?? Damn these hormones!!
Consciously nurse*
I suck at typing from a phone :(
*boring not boting!
Typing on the phone is the worst (I do it all the time).
Glad to not be alone. I keep getting those same urges. I just want to nurse him for a few minutes, like some sort of crack addict. I need a fix, I need those endorphines! It sounds weird to say out loud, but it’s the truth. It’s all so strange.
I never experienced post pardom depression (nothing more than a little humdrum now and then), but after weaning (we made it a year) I was smacked upside my head with the crazies and sads. It was the weirdest thing.
I thought I was loosing it.
Then I found out why. (why oh why does no one talk about this?!?!)
Increase your B vitamins. And get some D in you too, you haven’t seen the sun in a while. Those should help.
And be kind to yourself. It’s something that your body is going through. It’s not YOU , it’s your body.
Not me, my body. Yes. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I felt like this every time Leland would cut out a nursing session, or those moment where he refused to nurse. I felt like I personally had done something wrong. But I know I hadn’t. I worry I will feel the same when he officially stops nursing. Thankfully we still have two session a day. Hopefully you can get past this easily and not live with that feeling for too long.
Thanks Megan.
While I do not know what you’re going through because we ended nursing at 4 months (which was sad and guilt ridden in its own way) I can imagine that it would be a sad thing. One big part of their BABYness ended. A special time of just you and him and the rare (if he’s anything like my toddler!) opportunity for cuddling, decreased. It makes sense. It is a loss in its own way and it will be grieved. It will just take time. Thinking of you! And congrats to you for nursing this long! Great job to both you and the little man.
Yes. Exactly. I also feel like he resents me a little (I’m probably making this up) for ending breastfeeding. He won’t sit still or let me hold him at all. I think we’re both going through withdrawal.
The hormones of pregnancy, post-partum and post-nursing are no joke, I think they are one of the most underestimated parts of this whole parenting gig. Post-partum did me in for a good six months, I was totally undone. Whereas when I weaned at 16 months I felt better than I had in years, literally. I think what Meagan said above is very true, it is your body sorting it out, not you. Give yourself time, you’ll find yourself again on the other side, stronger, wiser and more compassionate.
“most underestimated parts of this whole parenting gig”
yes.
I am having the worst time cutting out one feeding. I was telling myself it was b/c I wanted him to have the nutrition (he’s on the small side) but now I’m not so sure. He clearly doesn’t want it – today he didn’t take a whole bottle I’d pumped at the sitter’s. I guess it’s like my husband mutters to the baby when he thinks I can’t hear – Mommy is in fact crazy.
Not crazy, just in love. That’s the curse (and blessing) of being the mom.
Thank you so much for this post! I was 100% on the breastfeeding train, and was devastated when I couldn’t keep up with my little man after returning to work at four months. I totally get the mourning thing– I was a mess for weeks, and I’m sure my husband thought I was losing my mind. Don’t worry, it gets better :)
Thanks Erica!
Kate, I have been loving your blog for about a year now, I think. (sidenote: I first read about you from a fellow mom blogger – a friend from Goshen College…some Menno link I guess…anyhoo, I am often amen-ing your commentaries on life and mothering. Thanks!) On weaning…I feel your pain, sadness and confusion over the strange emotions. I wrote this post 3 months ago, and I do want to encourage you that it gets better. I felt the same ache in my bones when it was time, and now it is just such a wonderful, fond memory. I’ll get a twinge of an ache every once in awhile, but it already feels like that loss was decades ago. And just so you know, this was my third babe to wean, so no, it doesn’t get easier. In fact, it got harder, because it’s my last, and I knew I would never do that again. Oh, I’m getting sad again just writing this! Anyhow, I thought I would share my thoughts on grieving that loss, from this past October:
http://ontherhodes.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/im-my-own-contradiction/
Cried reading your comment and then cried reading your blog post.
Thank you for saying it’s now a fond memory. I need to hear that.
I read that Cup of Jo blog post a month or so ago, and it’s stuck with me. Now every time I think of weaning, after the inital It’ll Be So Nice feeling, I’m gripped with fear. I went through postpartum depression for months and months, never really dealing with it or talking to anyone about it. It wasn’t until Taylor was about 9 months old that I started to feel the fog lifting, and the idea of slipping back into that is terrifying.
So thank you, because now I know that I need to prepare myself for the day weaning comes, however near or far in the future that is. And know this: you are NOT crazy! Your mind and body will heal from this you will be okay. Soon. Until then, we’re here :)
I can’t speak from experience but I can only imagine how hard it is. I think some if it has to do with knowing our little ones are growing up and it’s hard to see that. Sending you a virtual hug!
@Danielle: I know that for many of my friends, it’s been a smooth and peaceful (no tears) transition. I hope that’s the case for you!
I haven’t nursed in months. My youngest will be 3 on February 17th. But I think I am having a harder time with the fact that I will NEVER nurse another baby ever again then when I weaned mine. Luckily for me, my 3 kids pretty much weaned themselves and were only nursing at morning and night anyways so it was a tad easier on me. I hope that you will start to feel better :-(
Thanks Alice.
Oh you have such the tender heart and it’s good. I’m gonna be the same way when the time comes and come crying on your shoulder, k?
deal.
This is going to be really helpful to a lot of people I just know it.
I was pregnant when I stopped nursing Westley and sick (as you know). The first trimester (and second) were very very hard being so sick just as it was with Westley and I figured that the depression that came with it was just part of being too sick & exhausted to do anything. I am wondering now if the end of nursing played into it as well. Also the whole hashimoto’s disease thing didn’t help either. I think it was just the perfect storm to lay in bed and cry a lot.
Either way – I really hope that your hormones even out soon and things start to look brighter. Thanks for sharing Kate.
I’m so glad that’s over for you! What an ordeal.
Thanks for the encouragement. I think we’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kate. I am dreading the day when I have to wean my little boy (he is 9.5 months). He already takes bottles during the day since he is at daycare but the idea of not nursing him to sleep or 2-3 times during the night makes me want to cry. I try not to think about weaning….like ever!
I know you will get through this and be so much stronger once it is over. You are a super mom and a super woman. Hang in there!
Thanks Kit.
It makes me feel sad to think about weaning my daughter. I’m tearing up right now. What is making me even more sad, is that I’m slowly drying up, which I knew may happen when I got pregnant again. I just didn’t think it’d happen at 12 weeks. Luckily she still gets enough out that she wants to nurse 3 times/day, even if it primarily dry nursing. I am so proud that we’ve made it 19 months, not a single drop of formula. It’s an amazing bond that I cannot ever seem to explain to others. For now, cuddle as much as you can to keep that baby warmth around you.
Thank you, Jess.
I am so sorry you are going through this but thank you so much for bringing light to this issue. I will be going through big changes in my career when my daughter will be turning 1 and I will be weaning. This could adjust it slightly so that I am starting my new career adventure at my best self. Thanks for posting the other articles as well. I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this before. I hope it just goes away all of the sudden for you like the woman in the article!
Thank you, Shantel. Best of luck!
Just a suggestion: Perhaps you might want to read about child-led weaning. All children naturally wean when they are ready, and it’s much easier on the mothers that way. In many, many countries, children are breastfed until about 2.5 or 3 (or later). I’m not trying to convince you to change your mind, but am just suggesting this because it is a way to wean much more gradually without the hormonal dip and the accompanying depression. Also, you likely still have milk for a month or more after weaning, so it is probably not too late. Either way, big hugs and best of luck figuring out what works best for your family and YOU, because it’s your body after all. Blessings …
Thanks Heather! I actually have been letting him “nurse” a little this week when he throws a fit about it. Although if I’m being honest here, it’s probably more for me than for him. The result: He tries for five seconds or less and then he gives up. My milk supply has never been great so I think I dried up quickly? Regardless, it’s pretty much over.
i love this honesty and reality.
hope you are able to taste food again, for that is truly something that heals. sharing meals. :)
I can remember feeling gutted when my two year old started to wean herself, even though it was something I wanted too. 19 months of breastfeeding is a huge, wonderful achievement, and you should celebrate yourself once the sadness is over. Good on you, mama. Kellie xx
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My goodness…reading this was healing for me because I have really struggled with this same funk, depression, weight…whatever you want to call it…post weaning. This process was painful and heartbreaking for me. I had the same thought you did – I knew it would be way to hard to have a final nursing if I was aware it was the last time, so I just decided one day that I wasn’t going to nurse her again (we had gradually weaned up to that point and she was only nursing once/day when I stopped completely). But for several weeks, I wasn’t myself. I was just kind of a shell and felt pretty down all the time. Thanks for talking about this issue. I have been planning to blog about weaning for a while now, and your post (and a couple others like it) have inspired me to do it sooner rather than later.