WEEK ONE
Day 1
I woke this morning drenched in the baby’s sweat. Fever. I carried him downstairs and we sat on the couch all day. I watched a documentary about Elmo and started Wicked.
I want to check my email.
Day 2
Read Wicked all day and neglected the dishes. Friends threw me a late birthday party in the city.
The baby is still not well. His fever is high and he acts strange, lying limp on my chest and moaning.
I want to check my email and Google “lymphoma and infants.”
Day 3
The baby is still sick. I tried to lie out in the sun but he wouldn’t have it.
Everyone keeps asking me if I just love not having Internet. The answer is no. I would still like to Google if the baby has lymphoma. Austin refuses.
I did cook dinner tonight using an actual cookbook. I’ve never done that before. I felt like I should be wearing a prairie gown. It was nice.
Day 4
The baby is feeling better but continues to act strange. He shakes his head back and forth like a crazy man all day. I asked Austin to Google “early signs of autism.” He rolled his eyes.
Note: Wayon shows no signs of early autism.
Tomorrow we wake at 5am to travel to Virginia for a family reunion. I hope he sleeps.
Day 6
We are back from Virginia. It was great to see family, but the baby was miserable and ruined most everything.
When we got home, I immediately sat at the computer only to realize I couldn’t do anything. I thought about cheating for the 100th time so far, but coaxed myself away from temptation with a stringed cheese.
Day 7
I finished Wicked today. Take away thought: God is smart to stay silent.
{Letter to a friend}
Dear Elizabeth,
I have yet to receive your manuscript. This astounds me not in the slightest, as I have promised many an eager reader a look across my own work, only to back out in the last moments due to depression and extreme paranoia. I hope, for your sake, that you are simply too busy.
You may find this letter surprisingly formal in contrast to my previously casual and blasé forms of communication. Do not be distressed. It is simply a cause and effect of reading Wicked and having the authors voice in my head. Also, Microsoft Word also has a built in thesaurus, so that’s fun. In truth, I have no idea what blasé means.
I hate to be influenced so obviously, but it always happens. I read a book and immediately the voice-over in my head switches to match the author’s narrative tone. This was especially annoying when I carelessly read a Jodi Picoult novel last year. She is so dramatic.
If you are wondering, Waylon and I are doing fine. He is getting another tooth, which is always another new hell, but I think we’re almost through it. Nothing else new to report, just the boring drudge of small talk: weather. It has rained and rained.
How are you? How is Everett? I imagine he is six feet tall by now and filling out college applications. I can’t believe our boys will be one this summer. It is tragic and wonderful in the same breath.
With love,
Kate
WEEK TWO
Day 8
I am officially bored. Waylon is no longer feverish, so I am free to roam around the house as I please. So far I’ve spent one hour writing, two hours chasing Waylon, and a half hour skulking around, drunk dialing my friends who are trying to carry on with their adult lives.
Of course I’m not actually drunk, just washed over with laziness and regret. I tried to do an art project, but it turned out looking like the handiwork of a 6 year old (I could never cut in straight lines). I tried cleaning up, but it was too boring. Finally, out of desperation, I searched all the cupboards for something to eat, but all I found were stale graham crackers and dried up peas. I took a cracker and left the peas.
I am dying.
Day 9
Waylon and I went on an early walk this morning, and when I say “early” I mean 10AM.
It is supposed to rain again this afternoon, so I had to Carpe Diem before I lose my flipping mind.
I admit that when I started this month, I hoped to have a sort of enlightening, spiritual experience in the absence of Internet noise. I imagined taking some sort of walkabout in the park and being overcome with feelings of gratefulness for leaves and pinecones.
No such luck. It has been raining for days and I am agitated by the inability to Google and Tweet my way through these long afternoons. I doubt Anyone really misses me, but I miss Anyone. I want to end this stupid project, but then I will feel like such a failure and won’t want to be online anyways.
Day 10
{Letter to a friend}
Dear Molly,
Hello! This is my very first letter to you. I picture it arriving in your New York City apartment while you are sipping a Manhattan and blowing smoke rings out your bedroom window. Is this accurate? I hope not. Smoking is dangerous.
To be clear, I picture anyone who lives in the Big Apple like a scene from Sex In The City. I’m sure this is very annoying. I wonder if it is also annoying that I referred to New York as “The Big Apple.” Tourist alert!
How are you these days? I wouldn’t know because I can’t stalk you on the Internet.
I’m doing fine, there is a lot of rain around here these days which makes everything dreadfully boring. Waylon lives on, unaffected; destroying toilet paper rolls and finding scraps of food stuck to the bottom of my shoes. It’s all very lovely.
This time, a few years back, I was getting ready for a wedding. I pretended to work at my desk job, but really I was rethinking the seating chart, avoiding carbs, and having Diet Coke for breakfast. Things have changed (for the better). In fact, it’s so much better that sometimes I wonder when the anvil will fall from the sky and crush my perfectly situated self.
Luckily I take precautions. For example, people are always saying how lucky and blessed they are when things are going right, but I never use those terms. The second you say you’re happy is the second you’ve sealed a fate that includes a fender bender, lawsuit, and herpes.
I don’t know, my logic is probably twisted.
Anyways, I hope you are having a Carrie Bradshaw kind of day, without any of the drama and all the glamour.
Love,
Kate
Day 11
Yesterday Zoe came and we planted a garden in my backyard. I made pasta and the kids blew bubbles. It was a very nice day.
Now today is Friday and Austin’s last day of school until August. We are celebrating by going to happy hour and having a party tomorrow in the park.
I do not miss the Internet on days like these, with sunshine and friends and family and hard-boiled eggs. I do not miss it one single bit.
Day 13
Today is Mother’s Day. Austin was sweet and took Waylon away all morning so I could have a quiet breakfast with my sister at Panera and get my toes painted. He also gave me a card and gift, a smart move on his part knowing he would play golf all afternoon.
I wondered if I would feel very motherly today, but it feels like any other day. I change poopy diapers and play cars, sprawled out as a roadway on the kitchen floor.
Day 14
It is raining again, cancelling plans and turning me into a petulant teenager.
So far my month without Internet has only benefited the boys. Waylon has more time with his mom during the day, more walks, more books, more playing chase around the kitchen counters, and Austin has more time during the night if you know what I mean. If I get pregnant, I’m blaming the Internet.
***
{Continue to Part Two}
Is that cream of mushroom soup?
No hate.
Just curious.
It totally is. Thank you Mennonite Cookbook? We ate some weird meals this month.
A happy squeal from me to see a post from you… I am loving reading your writing again and getting a peak into what you did this last month… I can just imagine all the feelings I would go through if I did what you just did… can’t wait to read the rest!!
Happy Friday!!!
I just posted this by accident and then had to quickly fix errors and add pictures like a mad woman. Obviously I’m a little rusty on the interwebs.
But thank you! Hello Internet! I’m ready to be back.
SO glad to have you back to your writing! It was an extra special treat to see [Motley Mama] in my e-mail inbox this morning. Welcome back!
Thanks Rachael. xo
Overjoyed that you are back, and didn’t lose an ounce of that sass we all love. Your letters are to die for. Is it possible you got even funnier?
I don’t know, but I seriously got the sweats after I sent them off, worrying they were a little too weird. I blame cabin fever.
And my life is complete, once again.
Seriously? Longest month ever.
I woke up this morning and my eyes flew open to the thought of SHE’S BACK.
That sounds like something from a horror film. Queue the music from Jaws.
Love this post. Thanks for keeping a journal. I laughed!
i missed you terribly.
You were missed! I have been looking forward to reading your posts again. Welcome back.
This is amazing, and just as good a comeback post as I thought you’d put up. IT MAKES ME WANT TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS.
I like this part especially: “I imagined taking some sort of walkabout in the park and being overcome with feelings of gratefulness for leaves and pinecones.”
Bump that.
I LIKE WHEN YOU TALK IN ALL CAPS.
the leaves and pinecones part had me on the floor laughing. Well, not really on the floor, but you get the idea.
TOO GOOD.
I hope this is another baby coming soon! Waylon needs a sibling.
It’s good to have you back, we missed you.
Day 14 was totally worth a month-long wait. Lol! The internet was so boring without you. :-)
Welcome back Kate!!
I missed your blog and your wonderful photos of Waylon!
Thank God! I’m so glad you’re back. May was so long, but it also went by quickly. Just me?
My iPad broke for a week (a week!) and I totally felt like you; but I still had my phone, so only kind of like you.
I don’t know how you did it. Enlightening or not, that last paragraph makes it all worth it. Time with your boys.
And let me say another baby would be totally the internet’s fault and kind of thrillingly terrifying. I’ll quick get preggo too and then we can be strangers who sometimes talk on the interwebs who are pregnant at the same time. Deal?
Hahaha DEAL.
SO EXCITED you are back:-) I envy that you can make Waylon sit on the counter. If I put my child there she would think she could defy gravity (Wicked reference? ha) and crawl right off. Can’t wait to hear how the rest of your no internet month went.
You better believe I was shouting DON’T YOU DARE MOVE with my body poised for take off during that picture.
No, KB, I don’t know what you mean. Please elaborate.
You’re a real crack up, B.
Oh, this was good. So very good.
Signed,
Carrie Bradshaw
But seriously, so weird.
oooh, a journal! what a bonus! (Or maybe that was part of the plan and I didn’t notice). But I’m still rooting for enlightenment in part 2. Because that is exactly what I would expect from a month with no internet.
Keep rooting.
You are awesome. I am extremely inspired by you and your experiment. I definitely missed your blog this past month. So good to have you back. Now, go eat a stringed cheese. {I always thought it was string cheese?}
It is definitely string cheese.
Glad you’re back! I thought of you often this month, wondering how it was going. The closest I got to Internet freedom was deleting social media from my phone, which is to say, not far at all. Love the journaled thoughts!
Meggie, that’s a great idea! My phone is my biggest pitfall when it comes to Internet. I should keep those apps deleted!
You’re back! I can’t even tell you how many times this month I went to check your blog & then realized you weren’t blogging this month. And I loved this line: “I doubt Anyone really misses me, but I miss Anyone.” I’ve missed your writing.
this is so good. welcome back, kate. i totally take on the voice of the author as well… just for a few days. right now (i am so ashamed to admit this. so ashamed. i wish i could change the font size to small.) i’m reading 50 shades. so, if i’m lucky, my voice will be ‘author voice’ for only like one hour. otherwise i am SCREWED cause that writing is shit.
You are reading the mom porn? BLOG POST PLEASE.
Should I read Mom porn too? I’m scared of it.
I’m scared the bad writing is going to make me dumber…and also pregnant.
Oh for heavens sake thank goodness you are back.
This post was amazing. I hope that you kept notes through the whole thing.
I also hope you are prego.
Today Baby Daddy said he’d let me buy a 100 dollar baby carrier if I give him a baby. No dice.
As promised, I was excited to see your email notifying me that the blog was up today. Yeah! Yet was also shocked by how fast a month had gone by. Does time speed up with age? It’s the one and only dynamic that genuinely makes me fear getting older. Grey hairs. Meh. The fact that a month of my life eclipsed in the blink of an eye – that’s disturbing.
Please write a book. Please. I missed reading you. But didn’t realize how much until I opened today’s email.
So glad you’re back. Yay yay! I needed to be reminded that I’m not alone in this baby experiment!!
Welcome back!!
SO glad to read your post! Happy June!
Kate,
I just loved this.
I was definitely thinking about you last month wondering how you were fairing.
I’m so proud you did it though. I would have caved after 2 days I am sure. All the string cheese in the world couldn’t have helped me.
Glad you’re back. Very, very gladn
I never would’ve lasted. Bravo.
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Welcome back! What a crazy time for you :)