Guest Post: A Sunday Confession

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Today’s post is brought to you by the fabulous Jennifer Jo; a home-schooling, home-birthing, granola mother of four (who I still like anyway). Actually, I kind of love her. She is funny and real and open minded and if you like to eat great food, you should probably read her blog.

Anyways, thank you JJ for today. Not blogging gave me the time to write out three whole Christmas cards. If you happen to receive one of these gems, you should feel special. Very, very special.

I bit my five-year-old during church.

He was in a squirrely mood, and when it came time to sing some hymns, he kept jerking the hymnal out of my hand. I yanked back in my best demure yanking fashion, but everyone knows you can’t win hymnal tug-of-war and be proper at the same time, so I relinquished the book and gave the top of his head my hairiest hairy eyeball.

Not one to give up (I wanted to sing hymns, dagnabbit), I casually slung an arm over the back of his chair in a warm, motherly fashion and whispered some stern You Better Or Elses into his ear. He ignored me, so I bit him.

Immediately, I was awash in horror and shame, not because I had bitten my child—though I did feel a little bad about that—but because I was sitting in the very front of the church and someone might have seen me! I glanced around nervously, looking for saucer eyes and dropped chins, but everyone was fully engaged in worshipful behaviors, whew.

However, now I’ve gone and written about it. I just know every single fellow congregant who reads this blog will be staring at us extra hard this Sunday, wondering just when that poor boy’s viper mother will strike.

As for my son: after I bit him, he straightened up quite nicely. There was the briefest of whimpers, but he did not scream, thank goodness.

Bonus, I got the hymnal.

Watch those ears, son. Mama’s by your side.

Read more great stories on Jennifer’s blog over at Mama’s Minutia , including my personal favorite The Sex Talk . That one always makes me laugh.

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17 Comments

Filed under Guest Post

Tagged as Parenting

Shirley December 15, 2011 at 9:20 am As this woman’s longsuffering mother I can testify that she was a biter at an early age (plus dependent upon her rotting rubber pacifier). I’m not overly surprised to hear that she has regressed. Everybody, we covet your prayers. Reply

As this woman’s longsuffering mother I can testify that she was a biter at an early age (plus dependent upon her rotting rubber pacifier). I’m not overly surprised to hear that she has regressed. Everybody, we covet your prayers.

Mama Pea December 15, 2011 at 9:47 am I popped over here from JJ’s blog. All you regular readers of Motley Mama should follow her wise suggestion and read Mama’s Minutia (JJ’s blog) as she’s truly-duly a fantastic writer . . . and possesses a mind that never stops. P.S. Have no fear. I’ve never heard of a single one of JJ’s readers who has been bitten. Yet. Reply

I popped over here from JJ’s blog. All you regular readers of Motley Mama should follow her wise suggestion and read Mama’s Minutia (JJ’s blog) as she’s truly-duly a fantastic writer . . . and possesses a mind that never stops.

P.S. Have no fear. I’ve never heard of a single one of JJ’s readers who has been bitten. Yet.

Kara Denali December 15, 2011 at 9:58 am I’ve also bit my kid. Isn’t that awful? It wasn’t that hard and in my defense, he bit me first… Reply

I’ve also bit my kid. Isn’t that awful? It wasn’t that hard and in my defense, he bit me first…

Leah Hammond December 15, 2011 at 10:00 am Love the sex talk link. I also have been ignoring my stack of Christmas cards. Procrastination. Reply

Love the sex talk link. I also have been ignoring my stack of Christmas cards. Procrastination.

Shannon December 15, 2011 at 10:45 am thank you. I know that the day will come when I am in these shoes, I can sense it already. phew. Reply

thank you.

I know that the day will come when I am in these shoes, I can sense it already.

phew.

Viv December 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm Kids make church kind of like hell. But maybe that was wrong to say. Reply Jennifer Jo December 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm It’s the truth. And church is all about telling the truth, right? Reply Zoe December 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm Definitely hell. I can see why parents fall into the children’s church trap… Reply Shelah Nyveldt December 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm it gets better if you hang in there! (maybe hell does too, who knows?) :) Reply Jennifer Jo December 17, 2011 at 9:50 am That’s really funny, Shelah. The second part, that is. (The first part is true.) Reply

Kids make church kind of like hell.

But maybe that was wrong to say.

Jennifer Jo December 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm It’s the truth. And church is all about telling the truth, right? Reply

It’s the truth. And church is all about telling the truth, right?

Zoe December 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm Definitely hell. I can see why parents fall into the children’s church trap… Reply

Definitely hell. I can see why parents fall into the children’s church trap…

Shelah Nyveldt December 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm it gets better if you hang in there! (maybe hell does too, who knows?) :) Reply Jennifer Jo December 17, 2011 at 9:50 am That’s really funny, Shelah. The second part, that is. (The first part is true.) Reply

it gets better if you hang in there! (maybe hell does too, who knows?) :)

Jennifer Jo December 17, 2011 at 9:50 am That’s really funny, Shelah. The second part, that is. (The first part is true.) Reply

That’s really funny, Shelah. The second part, that is. (The first part is true.)

Fay December 15, 2011 at 1:19 pm My worst church story happened when my son was three. While we were standing and, you know, worshipping–he was taking off his pants and his diaper. Perhaps I should have been paying more attention. Perhaps that would have prevented my son from streaking down the aisle ALL THE WAY TO THE PULPIT COMPLETELY NAKED. But then I wouldn’t have this story to share. Reply Kate {motleymama} December 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm That’s awesome. Reply

My worst church story happened when my son was three. While we were standing and, you know, worshipping–he was taking off his pants and his diaper. Perhaps I should have been paying more attention. Perhaps that would have prevented my son from streaking down the aisle ALL THE WAY TO THE PULPIT COMPLETELY NAKED.

But then I wouldn’t have this story to share.

Kate {motleymama} December 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm That’s awesome. Reply

That’s awesome.

sarah l. December 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm Church and kids give me sweaty pits. Reply

Church and kids give me sweaty pits.

dr perfection December 15, 2011 at 2:42 pm Just where did you bite him? Reply Jennifer Jo December 15, 2011 at 3:14 pm Oops, I left that part out. His ear, and it wasn’t a full on chomp, either. Reply

Just where did you bite him?

Jennifer Jo December 15, 2011 at 3:14 pm Oops, I left that part out. His ear, and it wasn’t a full on chomp, either. Reply

Oops, I left that part out. His ear, and it wasn’t a full on chomp, either.

bridget December 15, 2011 at 8:17 pm this is hilarious. i’m going to go bite my kids right now! i’m sure they’re doing something deserving! Reply

this is hilarious. i’m going to go bite my kids right now! i’m sure they’re doing something deserving!

jodi December 16, 2011 at 11:36 pm oh my gosh! Hilarious! I love your blog and now I have a second blog that I can already tell I’m going to love. Reply

oh my gosh! Hilarious! I love your blog and now I have a second blog that I can already tell I’m going to love.

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