Today’s post is brought to you by the fabulous Jennifer Jo; a home-schooling, home-birthing, granola mother of four (who I still like anyway). Actually, I kind of love her. She is funny and real and open minded and if you like to eat great food, you should probably read her blog.
Anyways, thank you JJ for today. Not blogging gave me the time to write out three whole Christmas cards. If you happen to receive one of these gems, you should feel special. Very, very special.
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I bit my five-year-old during church.
He was in a squirrely mood, and when it came time to sing some hymns, he kept jerking the hymnal out of my hand. I yanked back in my best demure yanking fashion, but everyone knows you can’t win hymnal tug-of-war and be proper at the same time, so I relinquished the book and gave the top of his head my hairiest hairy eyeball.
Not one to give up (I wanted to sing hymns, dagnabbit), I casually slung an arm over the back of his chair in a warm, motherly fashion and whispered some stern You Better Or Elses into his ear. He ignored me, so I bit him.
Immediately, I was awash in horror and shame, not because I had bitten my child—though I did feel a little bad about that—but because I was sitting in the very front of the church and someone might have seen me! I glanced around nervously, looking for saucer eyes and dropped chins, but everyone was fully engaged in worshipful behaviors, whew.
However, now I’ve gone and written about it. I just know every single fellow congregant who reads this blog will be staring at us extra hard this Sunday, wondering just when that poor boy’s viper mother will strike.
As for my son: after I bit him, he straightened up quite nicely. There was the briefest of whimpers, but he did not scream, thank goodness.
Bonus, I got the hymnal.
Watch those ears, son. Mama’s by your side.
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Read more great stories on Jennifer’s blog over at Mama’s Minutia, including my personal favorite The Sex Talk. That one always makes me laugh.
As this woman’s longsuffering mother I can testify that she was a biter at an early age (plus dependent upon her rotting rubber pacifier). I’m not overly surprised to hear that she has regressed. Everybody, we covet your prayers.
I popped over here from JJ’s blog. All you regular readers of Motley Mama should follow her wise suggestion and read Mama’s Minutia (JJ’s blog) as she’s truly-duly a fantastic writer . . . and possesses a mind that never stops.
P.S. Have no fear. I’ve never heard of a single one of JJ’s readers who has been bitten. Yet.
I’ve also bit my kid. Isn’t that awful? It wasn’t that hard and in my defense, he bit me first…
Love the sex talk link. I also have been ignoring my stack of Christmas cards. Procrastination.
thank you.
I know that the day will come when I am in these shoes, I can sense it already.
phew.
Kids make church kind of like hell.
But maybe that was wrong to say.
It’s the truth. And church is all about telling the truth, right?
Definitely hell. I can see why parents fall into the children’s church trap…
it gets better if you hang in there! (maybe hell does too, who knows?)
:)
That’s really funny, Shelah. The second part, that is. (The first part is true.)
My worst church story happened when my son was three. While we were standing and, you know, worshipping–he was taking off his pants and his diaper. Perhaps I should have been paying more attention. Perhaps that would have prevented my son from streaking down the aisle ALL THE WAY TO THE PULPIT COMPLETELY NAKED.
But then I wouldn’t have this story to share.
That’s awesome.
Church and kids give me sweaty pits.
Just where did you bite him?
Oops, I left that part out. His ear, and it wasn’t a full on chomp, either.
this is hilarious. i’m going to go bite my kids right now! i’m sure they’re doing something deserving!
oh my gosh! Hilarious! I love your blog and now I have a second blog that I can already tell I’m going to love.