Agreeing to Disagree (Some thoughts on the D-word)

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About halfway into the pregnancy, Austin and I finally talked about the dreaded “d-word” — discipline. We were sitting in the front row of a Wailin’ Jennys concert, waiting for the show to start, and he looked over at me and said, “so, we’re not going to spank our kids, right?”

It was so random.

I almost fell out of my chair.

Baby Daddy comes from a large family of “spare the rod, spoil the child” believers, so I thought for sure he was on that train. For months I had prepared for a long, tense conversation about it, worried we would fight and that it would be a constant point of contention. Mostly I was afraid he was going to hit our kids.

You may be wondering why I’m already talking about this, seeing as Waylon is just a wee chap. The thing is, decisions like this are much easier made in advance. Even though we’re big fans of the “wait and see” approach, discipline is something we needed to decide on ahead of time. As it turns out, it wasn’t such a hard decision after all.

Three reasons why spanking just isn’t for us:

1. Spanking teaches the wrong lessons. No matter how hard we try, we always come back to what spanking really teaches: If you do something wrong, I am going to hit you. Not a fan. I also don’t want my kids to think it’s ever okay for a bigger person to strike a smaller person. Maybe it’s the pacifist in me, but if Johnny hits Kathy–how does hitting Johnny teach him anything? It seems confusing.

2. Long Term Effects. Kids who are spanked are often be well-behaved, there is no disputing that. Spanking often has great short term results. It’s the long term we’re concerned about. Physically punishing children is proven to encourage lying and deceit to avoid punishment (something I have seen over and over again, first hand).

3. Spanking is often done out of anger. I bet most of us will confess that spanking often fulfills a subconscious need for revenge. It’s also kind of lazy. If Johnny throws his cereal on the floor again after being told “no” 10 times, obviously the easiest thing to do is give him a smack. It takes a lot of self discipline and patience to go another route (something I will really need to work on).

Things you may be wondering:

So what are you going to do? Austin and I both read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk from cover to cover. We’d been told every parent (and teacher) should read it, no matter what your discipline strategies. I won’t launch into its practices now (because I haven’t used them yet), but from my experience working with children– positive discipline works . I’ve also had a lot of great feedback from parents who sing its praises. Very encouraging.

Look–I didn’t want to write this post. I thought about postponing it, rewriting it, or just throwing it away all together. It’s a touchy subject. I’m also afraid of putting my foot in my mouth, because the truth is we’re not there yet, we don’t know how it is, and kids can be so terrible. But we also know there are other ways to parent and they do work (we’ve seen it for ourselves).

Things I know for sure:

+There are plenty of great parents who spank their kids and everyone is just fine

+There are plenty of great parents who don’t spank their kids and everyone is just fine

+ Baby Daddy and I were both spanked and we are just fine, hold no grudges, and think our parents did a stellar job

+ I don’t care how you discipline your kids , as long as it’s not abusive or damaging

+In the heat of battle, there is no doubt we will be tempted

+Everyone makes mistakes. Thank goodness for grace.

Feel free to leave your (respectful) thoughts on discipline. My ears are open.

Ten Reasons Not To Hit Your Child

***Update 10/10/12 ***

I decided to revisit this post recently now that discipline is part of our every day vocabulary.

Wow! What a trying experience! On a daily basis I am tempted to smack little hands away (or worse) when I am frustrated with non-listening ears and deliberately naughty shenanigans. I have even given in a few times which has only confirmed that spanking it not for us. I am simply not control of my frustration enough to implement an “appropriate” physical response. Not that I’m close to being abusive, not at all. But I feel myself wanting to smack him only because I’m frustrated, not because I want to teach him anything.

I’m also here to tell you that time-out has worked so much better , as well as following the positive discipline approach.

He’s not perfect (he’s a toddler!), but when I see improvements in his behavior after simple teaching techniques, my heart swells with pride over the little guy. Their brains are a sponge, which is terrifying…but also pretty convenient.

Have you seen positive discipline work? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

End Of The Week Snacks (8.28.12)

Feeding Waylon

Freewrite: Worst Days

That’s Not My Name

Slowing.

34 Comments

Filed under Motley Mama

Tagged as Parenting

Gretta October 13, 2011 at 10:36 am We spank our kids but we know plenty of parents who don’t and their kids are just as well behaved (if not more) than ours! ha! Reply

We spank our kids but we know plenty of parents who don’t and their kids are just as well behaved (if not more) than ours! ha!

Heather Salfrank Joseph October 13, 2011 at 10:36 am Thanks so much for the book recommendations! I’m encountering this issue in a very practical sense now that my son is turning 2. He responds very well to time-outs in the corner, so far anyway. I’ve also been using a technique that has worked really well for us to curb temper tantrums. It’s something described in the book “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”. Basically, the theory goes that toddlers think “mom must not have heard me if I’m getting my way”. When James screams for “BREAD!” (and it’s baking) instead of trying to tell him the bread is going to take about 30 minutes – which just illicits ever more, and louder, invectives, I get down on his eye level and say: “You want bread. Yes, you want bread”. Over and over (usually takes 3-4 times) until he calms down and just looks at me and usually says, in calm normal voice, “Yeah. Bread.”. To which I respond: Bread will be ready in 30 minutes and then direct him to his favorite puzzle. No more tantrum. This works 90 percent of the time (the other 10 percent, I tell him the timeout share in the corner of the room is a great place to contemplate his desire for bread…). Reply motleymama October 13, 2011 at 10:41 am Austin and I were just reading and talking about the whole “repeating what they want out loud” thing to acknowledge their feelings (but not give in). It makes so much sense! Reply Heather Salfrank Joseph October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am My mom and dad did a lot of things right, but perhaps the most important thing is that I always felt heard. Their constant refrain was that we were free to disagree with them if we could do it with respect and, even better, make a reasonably decent argument. Their decisions would often still stand but it wasn’t a matter of “b/c I said so”, there was always a reason – even if I, as disgrunted teenager, disagree with its premise (e.g. church is an important part of family life, ergo you have to go with us on Sunday morning and not to your friend’s cool/hipster teen service). I think this type of active listen starts very, very young. I always want James to feel “listened to”, even if my response remains: “Yep, bread is factually/actually NOT available right now. It’s still available in 30 minutes, for children who can ask politely, that is. I do, however, appreciate that you wish it would materialize ala Star Trek food-to-order machine. I do to.” Reply

Thanks so much for the book recommendations! I’m encountering this issue in a very practical sense now that my son is turning 2. He responds very well to time-outs in the corner, so far anyway. I’ve also been using a technique that has worked really well for us to curb temper tantrums. It’s something described in the book “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”. Basically, the theory goes that toddlers think “mom must not have heard me if I’m getting my way”. When James screams for “BREAD!” (and it’s baking) instead of trying to tell him the bread is going to take about 30 minutes – which just illicits ever more, and louder, invectives, I get down on his eye level and say: “You want bread. Yes, you want bread”. Over and over (usually takes 3-4 times) until he calms down and just looks at me and usually says, in calm normal voice, “Yeah. Bread.”. To which I respond: Bread will be ready in 30 minutes and then direct him to his favorite puzzle. No more tantrum. This works 90 percent of the time (the other 10 percent, I tell him the timeout share in the corner of the room is a great place to contemplate his desire for bread…).

motleymama October 13, 2011 at 10:41 am Austin and I were just reading and talking about the whole “repeating what they want out loud” thing to acknowledge their feelings (but not give in). It makes so much sense! Reply Heather Salfrank Joseph October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am My mom and dad did a lot of things right, but perhaps the most important thing is that I always felt heard. Their constant refrain was that we were free to disagree with them if we could do it with respect and, even better, make a reasonably decent argument. Their decisions would often still stand but it wasn’t a matter of “b/c I said so”, there was always a reason – even if I, as disgrunted teenager, disagree with its premise (e.g. church is an important part of family life, ergo you have to go with us on Sunday morning and not to your friend’s cool/hipster teen service). I think this type of active listen starts very, very young. I always want James to feel “listened to”, even if my response remains: “Yep, bread is factually/actually NOT available right now. It’s still available in 30 minutes, for children who can ask politely, that is. I do, however, appreciate that you wish it would materialize ala Star Trek food-to-order machine. I do to.” Reply

Austin and I were just reading and talking about the whole “repeating what they want out loud” thing to acknowledge their feelings (but not give in). It makes so much sense!

Heather Salfrank Joseph October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am My mom and dad did a lot of things right, but perhaps the most important thing is that I always felt heard. Their constant refrain was that we were free to disagree with them if we could do it with respect and, even better, make a reasonably decent argument. Their decisions would often still stand but it wasn’t a matter of “b/c I said so”, there was always a reason – even if I, as disgrunted teenager, disagree with its premise (e.g. church is an important part of family life, ergo you have to go with us on Sunday morning and not to your friend’s cool/hipster teen service). I think this type of active listen starts very, very young. I always want James to feel “listened to”, even if my response remains: “Yep, bread is factually/actually NOT available right now. It’s still available in 30 minutes, for children who can ask politely, that is. I do, however, appreciate that you wish it would materialize ala Star Trek food-to-order machine. I do to.” Reply

My mom and dad did a lot of things right, but perhaps the most important thing is that I always felt heard. Their constant refrain was that we were free to disagree with them if we could do it with respect and, even better, make a reasonably decent argument. Their decisions would often still stand but it wasn’t a matter of “b/c I said so”, there was always a reason – even if I, as disgrunted teenager, disagree with its premise (e.g. church is an important part of family life, ergo you have to go with us on Sunday morning and not to your friend’s cool/hipster teen service). I think this type of active listen starts very, very young. I always want James to feel “listened to”, even if my response remains: “Yep, bread is factually/actually NOT available right now. It’s still available in 30 minutes, for children who can ask politely, that is. I do, however, appreciate that you wish it would materialize ala Star Trek food-to-order machine. I do to.”

Heather Salfrank Joseph October 13, 2011 at 10:37 am That is: “mom must not have heard me if I’m NOT getting what I want”. Reply

That is: “mom must not have heard me if I’m NOT getting what I want”.

momOf5 October 13, 2011 at 10:37 am We spanked our first three and then read the above mentioned book (HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and used positive discipline on the last two and the difference was incredible–and much more stress free! It takes hard work, but it’s worth it in the end. Reply

We spanked our first three and then read the above mentioned book (HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and used positive discipline on the last two and the difference was incredible–and much more stress free!

It takes hard work, but it’s worth it in the end.

Melissa P. October 13, 2011 at 10:43 am My husband and I fought about this for a long time before we had kids–but once they came, we were more on page than we thought. It just didn’t make sense (like you said) to tell them “hitting is wrong” but then spank them for disobeying. Reply

My husband and I fought about this for a long time before we had kids–but once they came, we were more on page than we thought. It just didn’t make sense (like you said) to tell them “hitting is wrong” but then spank them for disobeying.

betty October 13, 2011 at 10:54 am I’ve been parenting for over 20 years now and all I can say is that it is much easier to physically punish kids. It takes time & patience to get down on their level and have a conversation–but the pay off is rewarding. Reply

I’ve been parenting for over 20 years now and all I can say is that it is much easier to physically punish kids. It takes time & patience to get down on their level and have a conversation–but the pay off is rewarding.

Rachel M. October 13, 2011 at 11:03 am I remember the day we announced to our family that we weren’t going to use spanking as discipline and you could have cut the air the tension was so thick . They are all republicans… Reply

I remember the day we announced to our family that we weren’t going to use spanking as discipline and you could have cut the air the tension was so thick .

They are all republicans…

kristy k October 13, 2011 at 11:48 am anything by dr. sears is great – along with “parenting from the inside out” by dan siegel i recommend it to parents all the time. great job takng a stand and talking about it in advance – you’re waaayyyy ahead of most parents! Reply

anything by dr. sears is great – along with “parenting from the inside out” by dan siegel i recommend it to parents all the time. great job takng a stand and talking about it in advance – you’re waaayyyy ahead of most parents!

J-Ella October 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm The thing about corporal punishment is that kids behave correctly out of fear instead of making the “right” choice. We were spanked as kids and I was always hiding things from my parents (bad grades, broken dishes, etc) to avoid it instead of confessing. That doesn’t make sense. I have a 8 year old, 5 year old, and 3 year old and I can assure you that positive reinforcement works! Ask the church nursery attendants — we’re always being affirmed because they are well behaved. Obviously they are still children and misbehave, but we have a great relationship and they know that there are consequences to their actions! Reply

The thing about corporal punishment is that kids behave correctly out of fear instead of making the “right” choice.

We were spanked as kids and I was always hiding things from my parents (bad grades, broken dishes, etc) to avoid it instead of confessing. That doesn’t make sense.

I have a 8 year old, 5 year old, and 3 year old and I can assure you that positive reinforcement works! Ask the church nursery attendants — we’re always being affirmed because they are well behaved. Obviously they are still children and misbehave, but we have a great relationship and they know that there are consequences to their actions!

dawn p. October 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm I don’t know who Rachel M. is….but I cracked up at the Republican comment. It’s so true! Conservatives/Republicans run in my family (so I love them all)–but they always seem to be stuck back a few decades…and it applies to discipline as well. Reply Emily October 24, 2012 at 12:26 pm That is definitely a generalization about conservatives/republicans “being stuck back a few decades”. Besides, you can’t use the terms interchangeably, yes, for the most part, republicans are conservative and democrats are liberal but it sounds a little naive when you use them synonymously. And they run in your family so you love them? How very mature of you to overlook their poor political choices. Reply

I don’t know who Rachel M. is….but I cracked up at the Republican comment. It’s so true! Conservatives/Republicans run in my family (so I love them all)–but they always seem to be stuck back a few decades…and it applies to discipline as well.

Emily October 24, 2012 at 12:26 pm That is definitely a generalization about conservatives/republicans “being stuck back a few decades”. Besides, you can’t use the terms interchangeably, yes, for the most part, republicans are conservative and democrats are liberal but it sounds a little naive when you use them synonymously. And they run in your family so you love them? How very mature of you to overlook their poor political choices. Reply

That is definitely a generalization about conservatives/republicans “being stuck back a few decades”. Besides, you can’t use the terms interchangeably, yes, for the most part, republicans are conservative and democrats are liberal but it sounds a little naive when you use them synonymously. And they run in your family so you love them? How very mature of you to overlook their poor political choices.

sara October 13, 2011 at 2:23 pm great book! really helped my thought process when parenting… Reply

great book! really helped my thought process when parenting…

casey October 13, 2011 at 2:25 pm For some reason, people have it in their minds that if you don’t spank your kids–they will be awful. Not true! All kids are awful, sometimes. Spanking is just one method and there are PLENTY of other alternatives that work. Great post! Ordering that book today! Reply

For some reason, people have it in their minds that if you don’t spank your kids–they will be awful. Not true!

All kids are awful, sometimes. Spanking is just one method and there are PLENTY of other alternatives that work.

Great post!

Ordering that book today!

Deb Fair October 13, 2011 at 2:36 pm Thanks for this post on discipline! Our daughter is 9 months old, and we need to start thinking more about our discipline plan. We don’t want to spank either so I greatly appreciate the book recommendation. P.S. You are hilarious, and I love how honest you are! Reply

Thanks for this post on discipline! Our daughter is 9 months old, and we need to start thinking more about our discipline plan. We don’t want to spank either so I greatly appreciate the book recommendation. P.S. You are hilarious, and I love how honest you are!

Nat October 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm Love this post!… and Kate – you obviously hit a nerve! Daniel and I (also both spanked as kids) are also non-spanking proponents, mainly b/c we both feel we can’t handle our own anger issues. Having said that I have spanked my daughter a couple of times, usually when I was at the end of my rope… which wasn’t good for either of us. Daniel and I use the book “Love and Logic – Magic for Early Childhood” as our reference. We did have to explain to grandparents the premise behind our parenting (offering the child choices that the parent determines and NATURAL consequences). Sometimes I watch in dispair as children I know who are spanked respond so quickly to their parents commands and I have to expend my creative juices to get my own kids to “come” or “leave” or “jump”. But I know we have a very loving relationship, one based on mutual respect as well as an understanding that the parents are definitely in charge. Good luck in your non-spanking commitment! Reply

Love this post!… and Kate – you obviously hit a nerve! Daniel and I (also both spanked as kids) are also non-spanking proponents, mainly b/c we both feel we can’t handle our own anger issues. Having said that I have spanked my daughter a couple of times, usually when I was at the end of my rope… which wasn’t good for either of us. Daniel and I use the book “Love and Logic – Magic for Early Childhood” as our reference. We did have to explain to grandparents the premise behind our parenting (offering the child choices that the parent determines and NATURAL consequences). Sometimes I watch in dispair as children I know who are spanked respond so quickly to their parents commands and I have to expend my creative juices to get my own kids to “come” or “leave” or “jump”. But I know we have a very loving relationship, one based on mutual respect as well as an understanding that the parents are definitely in charge. Good luck in your non-spanking commitment!

amy f. October 13, 2011 at 4:48 pm Great post–you are gracious about other parenting styles but are sticking up for your own! Hard to find! Reply

Great post–you are gracious about other parenting styles but are sticking up for your own! Hard to find!

dr perfection October 13, 2011 at 6:42 pm I was spanked with a belt and I am scarred for life. I am also an awful person. Reply Anonymous October 13, 2011 at 9:52 pm C broke the belt out once and a while, too. that and fly swatters and yard sticks. not for me. Reply

I was spanked with a belt and I am scarred for life. I am also an awful person.

Anonymous October 13, 2011 at 9:52 pm C broke the belt out once and a while, too. that and fly swatters and yard sticks. not for me. Reply

C broke the belt out once and a while, too. that and fly swatters and yard sticks. not for me.

motleymama October 14, 2011 at 10:45 am Thank you all for your encouraging and insightful comments. It’s a hard issue to tackle, but an important one! Reply

Thank you all for your encouraging and insightful comments. It’s a hard issue to tackle, but an important one!

Dara November 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm I know I really don’t want to spank. I was spanked until about age 5, then my parents started using time outs and groundings, etc. I think the most important thing about discipline is that you mean what you say to your kid. I’ve seen so many parents make empty threats or tell their kids to do something and they don’t listen because the parents never follow through. Anyway I guess time will tell with us too. Thomas is only five months so there’s a little more time… Reply Kate {motleymama} October 10, 2012 at 7:37 pm Agreed! Reply

I know I really don’t want to spank. I was spanked until about age 5, then my parents started using time outs and groundings, etc.

I think the most important thing about discipline is that you mean what you say to your kid. I’ve seen so many parents make empty threats or tell their kids to do something and they don’t listen because the parents never follow through.

Anyway I guess time will tell with us too. Thomas is only five months so there’s a little more time…

Kate {motleymama} October 10, 2012 at 7:37 pm Agreed! Reply

Agreed!

Heather October 10, 2012 at 9:00 am http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html – Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is teaching empathy. If I had to pick just one characteristic that was “most” important to impart to my child this would be it. I think teaching empathy and learning effective discipline go hand-in-hand. What we’re really saying is – Hey! You’re are very important to us, but you are not, in fact, the known center of the universe. And your actions have consequences for you and for others. And others matter. They really, really, really matter. One of the points in the article I linked here is about teaching your kids to understand their own emotions, and to exercise self-control over their emotions and themselves. This is, in fact, a key point in even being able to be empathetic. I thought that was really interesting – hadn’t considered that crucial piece before in the empathy-building skill set. One thing we’re doing with our three year old now is getting him to talk about what he’s feeling. Case in point: This morning we wanted him to drink water (it’s dry, he’s got a stuff nose, etc.). He started to cry. Instead of ordering him to the corner, I said; “Hey! Can you tell me what you’re feeling? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling frustrated?” Long pause. Me: “I think you’re feeling really frustrated b/c papa wants you to drink water and you want to play with your ball”. James: Yeeeees :( Me: “Okay. It’s okay to feel frustrated. You may take a minute to calm down and feel frustrated in your bedroom. Or you can calm down now, get a drink of water, and then go play ball.” James: I’ll get a drink now! Me: “Awesome choice little man! I’m glad you’re not frustrated anymore!”. It doesn’t always work. Sometimes he goes to his room to “sort through things” for a few minutes. But when it does work, it’s a winning high all around. Reply Kate {motleymama} October 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm Sorry this was in the spam folder for so long! I agree! Reply

http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html – Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is teaching empathy. If I had to pick just one characteristic that was “most” important to impart to my child this would be it. I think teaching empathy and learning effective discipline go hand-in-hand. What we’re really saying is – Hey! You’re are very important to us, but you are not, in fact, the known center of the universe. And your actions have consequences for you and for others. And others matter. They really, really, really matter. One of the points in the article I linked here is about teaching your kids to understand their own emotions, and to exercise self-control over their emotions and themselves. This is, in fact, a key point in even being able to be empathetic. I thought that was really interesting – hadn’t considered that crucial piece before in the empathy-building skill set. One thing we’re doing with our three year old now is getting him to talk about what he’s feeling. Case in point: This morning we wanted him to drink water (it’s dry, he’s got a stuff nose, etc.). He started to cry. Instead of ordering him to the corner, I said; “Hey! Can you tell me what you’re feeling? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling frustrated?” Long pause. Me: “I think you’re feeling really frustrated b/c papa wants you to drink water and you want to play with your ball”. James: Yeeeees :( Me: “Okay. It’s okay to feel frustrated. You may take a minute to calm down and feel frustrated in your bedroom. Or you can calm down now, get a drink of water, and then go play ball.” James: I’ll get a drink now! Me: “Awesome choice little man! I’m glad you’re not frustrated anymore!”. It doesn’t always work. Sometimes he goes to his room to “sort through things” for a few minutes. But when it does work, it’s a winning high all around.

Kate {motleymama} October 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm Sorry this was in the spam folder for so long! I agree! Reply

Sorry this was in the spam folder for so long! I agree!

Hannah October 10, 2012 at 9:01 am I never read this post so thanks for reposting it… really good thoughts. I have literally millions of thoughts about this but far too long for a comment. Perhaps it is dumb, but I have this question… what do you do for time-outs? How do you make him stay there? Please talk more about this… seriously! I love the idea of positive encouragement but just feel a little lost on how to reinforce my words. Reply Kate {motleymama} October 10, 2012 at 7:39 pm I should write a post about time outs. That’s a good idea. It was a little tricky to figure out at first. We do one minute in a child sized chair in the dining room. When we first started doing it, he didn’t realize he could get down…so he stayed put (and just screamed). Soon he learned he could stand on the chair and/or get down, which is when we started holding him down (sounds worse than it was). Now he never gets up! I often use time out as a way to stop a behavior. “If you rip out another flower, you will sit in time out” …and it does work. He hates time out! Reply Meagan {Green Motherhood} October 10, 2012 at 9:29 pm I hadn’t read this one either (crazyness!) So, another thank you for reposting. Funny enough, I posted about the exact same thing around the exact same time. http://www.thegreenmother.com/2011/09/its-controversial.html You just put it so much more eloquently than I did. (and I updated my post saying so) Reply Hannah October 11, 2012 at 8:41 am Thanks Kate… It gives me a better idea of how to start. Reply

I never read this post so thanks for reposting it… really good thoughts. I have literally millions of thoughts about this but far too long for a comment. Perhaps it is dumb, but I have this question… what do you do for time-outs? How do you make him stay there? Please talk more about this… seriously! I love the idea of positive encouragement but just feel a little lost on how to reinforce my words.

Kate {motleymama} October 10, 2012 at 7:39 pm I should write a post about time outs. That’s a good idea. It was a little tricky to figure out at first. We do one minute in a child sized chair in the dining room. When we first started doing it, he didn’t realize he could get down…so he stayed put (and just screamed). Soon he learned he could stand on the chair and/or get down, which is when we started holding him down (sounds worse than it was). Now he never gets up! I often use time out as a way to stop a behavior. “If you rip out another flower, you will sit in time out” …and it does work. He hates time out! Reply Meagan {Green Motherhood} October 10, 2012 at 9:29 pm I hadn’t read this one either (crazyness!) So, another thank you for reposting. Funny enough, I posted about the exact same thing around the exact same time. http://www.thegreenmother.com/2011/09/its-controversial.html You just put it so much more eloquently than I did. (and I updated my post saying so) Reply Hannah October 11, 2012 at 8:41 am Thanks Kate… It gives me a better idea of how to start. Reply

I should write a post about time outs. That’s a good idea. It was a little tricky to figure out at first.

We do one minute in a child sized chair in the dining room. When we first started doing it, he didn’t realize he could get down…so he stayed put (and just screamed). Soon he learned he could stand on the chair and/or get down, which is when we started holding him down (sounds worse than it was). Now he never gets up!

I often use time out as a way to stop a behavior. “If you rip out another flower, you will sit in time out” …and it does work. He hates time out!

Meagan {Green Motherhood} October 10, 2012 at 9:29 pm I hadn’t read this one either (crazyness!) So, another thank you for reposting. Funny enough, I posted about the exact same thing around the exact same time. http://www.thegreenmother.com/2011/09/its-controversial.html You just put it so much more eloquently than I did. (and I updated my post saying so) Reply

I hadn’t read this one either (crazyness!) So, another thank you for reposting. Funny enough, I posted about the exact same thing around the exact same time. http://www.thegreenmother.com/2011/09/its-controversial.html You just put it so much more eloquently than I did. (and I updated my post saying so)

Hannah October 11, 2012 at 8:41 am Thanks Kate… It gives me a better idea of how to start. Reply

Thanks Kate… It gives me a better idea of how to start.

Nikki M. October 10, 2012 at 9:21 am So I’m sitting hear reading all the comments and kind of feeling on the outside. My husband I both spank but its not an everyday punishment. We do time outs, taking away privilege and we also do positive rewards. Reinforcing positive behavior is a great tool we have found! We just feel sometimes a spank is appropriate. I think this is a harder topic to talk about then religion or politics in my opinion so good for you bringing it up! Reply

So I’m sitting hear reading all the comments and kind of feeling on the outside. My husband I both spank but its not an everyday punishment. We do time outs, taking away privilege and we also do positive rewards. Reinforcing positive behavior is a great tool we have found! We just feel sometimes a spank is appropriate. I think this is a harder topic to talk about then religion or politics in my opinion so good for you bringing it up!

Mandy October 10, 2012 at 9:41 am My parents spanked us. It was usually my Dad’s job, and not their first choice of punishment. They saved it for when we were being really bad. I never held a grudge against my dad; in fact I love him a lot and have always had tremendous respect for him. I knew he meant what he said and would always follow through. They were also very good about not spanking out of anger. They would explain to us that what we did was wrong and why and that there needed to be consequences and then spanked us. And reminded us that they loved us. I think if you do it that way, it’s not really any easier. It takes just as much time and effort. I’m planning to do it like that, and only hope I can do as well as they did. Standing in the corner or something first, but when she just won’t listen, or is being very disrespectful, she’ll get spanked. I should also maybe mention that it never really hurt that bad. It’s not like they beat us. Reply

My parents spanked us. It was usually my Dad’s job, and not their first choice of punishment. They saved it for when we were being really bad. I never held a grudge against my dad; in fact I love him a lot and have always had tremendous respect for him. I knew he meant what he said and would always follow through. They were also very good about not spanking out of anger. They would explain to us that what we did was wrong and why and that there needed to be consequences and then spanked us. And reminded us that they loved us. I think if you do it that way, it’s not really any easier. It takes just as much time and effort. I’m planning to do it like that, and only hope I can do as well as they did. Standing in the corner or something first, but when she just won’t listen, or is being very disrespectful, she’ll get spanked. I should also maybe mention that it never really hurt that bad. It’s not like they beat us.

shelahn October 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm Humbly and openly immerse yourself in the Word Of God. Cry out for wisdom and understanding, allow Christ to be formed in you. It is the only way to rightly figure this one out. Reply

Humbly and openly immerse yourself in the Word Of God. Cry out for wisdom and understanding, allow Christ to be formed in you. It is the only way to rightly figure this one out.

Andrea October 12, 2012 at 10:50 am I got spanked twice as a child. Both times I had done something dangerous as well as naughty. I think I will use spanking similarly with my son. It’s not for every day, which makes it super effective when you need to impress upon your child that what they have done could have killed them (as it turns out, chasing that butterfly into the road was NOT a good choice for my 3 year old self…). Reply

I got spanked twice as a child. Both times I had done something dangerous as well as naughty. I think I will use spanking similarly with my son. It’s not for every day, which makes it super effective when you need to impress upon your child that what they have done could have killed them (as it turns out, chasing that butterfly into the road was NOT a good choice for my 3 year old self…).

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