A few months ago I posted a list of the Top Ten Toys Of All Time. You can check it out here. This list features toys like dirt and sticks and other basic essentials for your child’s playtime needs. This week we’re going in the opposite direction, taking a little trip to crazy town to view some of the horrifying and hilarious baby toys and products that are available today. After looking over lists of crazy contraptions (that people actually do buy!), I thought I’d share a few of the creepiest with you. Further proof that perhaps we should reevaluate a) what we’re spending our money on and b) what our kids really need.
Inspired by a post from Suzie, here is my list of ten toys that you could (and should) probably live without.
1)Pee & Poo
The subject of bodily functions is wildly popular among children of all ages, especially during that crucial potty training era when the notorious number one and number two are celebrated ad nauseam. Now is their chance to embrace the concept literally! This cuddly Pee and Poop Plush Dolls rings in at $29.95 for the playset. Urine and feces have never seemed so… huggable.
2) Pregnant Barbie
Barbie has always been a role model for young girls, as the ambitious career woman who becomes anything from a Doctor to a Veterinarian, and now, a mother!
For a long time I thought babies came out of bellybuttons. I doubt this toy helps clear up any confusion about childbirth, so purchase with caution.
For under 50 bucks, the Zaky Infant Pillow promises to simulate your touch and soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being handled by disembodied sausage-fingers. If you’re worried about these massive lumberjack hands pinning baby down, don’t. They are weighted to remain firmly positioned.
This is a great way to teach your children that you trust them zero percent. Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.
Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That’s a mistake you’ll only make once.
5) Hubert the Sperm Doll
Forget the stork and go directly to the truth with the Hubert the Sperm doll. The perfect way to introduce your child to the truth of their beginning.
You can only find this gem on eBay anymore. They stopped selling them for reasons we can only guess. In his defense, Hubert is kind of cute. He also looks very happy.
Some people swear by this product, noting that it works better than any other device to help with baby’s congestion.
Here is a key point when using this product : Take the time to fully sterilize the equipment before every use. You will also want to allot some time for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you’re collecting in that straw.
7) Baby Mop
Inventors in Japan were fed up with babies and their lack of manners, constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Thus, the baby mop. This product uses all the natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a perfect shine.
Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.
8) Birth of Mickey
This toy was listed on Parenting.com’s list of bizarre toys and also made an appearance on Suzie’s list of things that are totally creepy. I have to agree that The Birth of Mickey, available at frankentoys.etsy.com for a mere $65, might be the weirdest toy ever.
I also feel bad for the flamingo. Mickey is a big boy.
9) Baby Bangs
Babies are cute, but you know what would make them even cuter ? More hair. The Donald would certainly approve.
10) Swimming Neck Ring
Planning on putting your baby into shark infested waters? This neck ring could make all the difference!
Available everywhere for less than 10 bucks, this product is fairly popular among poolside parents. I don’t get it, but maybe it’s more comfortable than it appears?