Top Ten Best and Worst Things about Being Pregnant

|1|

You can eat cold spaghetti at 10am

In the first trimester this is especially appropriate as you are eating whenever and whatever you can without feeling like a miserable toad. For those of you who don’t experience pregnancy sickness, lucky you. I spent the first 12 weeks gagging over meals.

Even in the second and third trimesters, eating random foods and random times is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it’s expected. Just as long as you’re not binging on paint chips and dirt, you are now allowed to eat whatever you want (in moderation) for the sake of baby. Bring on the 3am ice cream runs.

|2|

Naptime

Now that you’re pregnant, your body habitually believes it just ran a marathon even when really you’ve been sitting around all day. Luckily, naps are now totally acceptable and encouraged. Even if you’re at work, it is usually perfectly fine to find a place to rest your head during a lunch or afternoon break. I shut my doors a few times at my desk job to take a brief snoozer at the office. Just don’t forget to bring a pillow, a coat won’t cut it.

|3|

Free Boob Job

I didn’t have much going on upstairs pre-pregnancy. Now that I’m knocked up, the ladies have blossomed like peonies in May. Even though their size is temporary, it is fun to experience the joys of actually having boobs.

|4|

Everyone is Your Butler

As soon as everyone finds out you are expecting, you immediately become very fragile. The general public will not let you carry boxes, fetch your own glass of water, or lift much of anything, especially if your belly is sticking out like a sore (round) thumb. Despite sometimes feeling like an invalid, it is a perk when you’re just too tired to get up.

|5|

Conversation Saver

Running into an old high school classmate or ex-coworker can be awkward, especially if you’re like me and struggle with the ebb and flow of small talk. Now that you’re pregnant, however, your extended gut is an obvious conversation piece and an easy topic to chat about. Just prepare yourself for slight hesitation if they aren’t quite sure if you’re pregnant or just have a tremendous beer gut.

|6|

No Sucking In

Speaking of beer guts, now that you’re pregnant—you can let it all hang out. For many of us, it’s a strange but oh-so-freeing feeling to take a picture without worrying about sucking in. Embrace that baby belly, because after the baby’s born–no one thinks it’s cute.

|7|

Tiny Clothes

No, not for you mama. Your clothes are getting bigger. The tiny stuff is for the baby, and could it be any cuter?

Thank goodness I’m having a boy because baby girl clothes are just too irresistible. Those miniature summer dresses get me every time. There are cute boy outfits as well, you just have to pick through the excess amounts of bulldozers and blue puppy prints.

Buying and receiving tiny clothes is a major perk of carrying around the little bugger for 9 months. The first time you hold up that newborn onesie and know there will soon be a tiny baby filling it = priceless.

|8|

Miracle Factor

How weird is it that we can make our own humans? It sounds bizarre, but sometimes I can’t believe I could make another one and it would be totally different. Reproduction is crazy and I still can’t quite wrap my brain around it.

|9|

Belly Dance

Despite some of the sharper jabs to the ribs, I really enjoy all the movement in my mid-section. I especially like when I can see  a little foot jabbing my side. Sometimes I wonder if he’s trying to escape. Just a few more months, little man.

|10|

You will have a baby

Crazy as it is, 9 months of sweating, swelling, and heaving yourself to the lav four times a night later and life part II begins. Mazel tov!

|1|

Food is Weird

From the get go, many mamas-to-be experience a dramatic appetite decrease, with certain foods causing immediate heaving into the nearest porcelain bowl. For a long time I couldn’t even think about chicken. Then it was lettuce. Then it was peas. For most of us, food aversion passes after the first trimester, but food is never really the same again until post baby.

|2|

Bathroom Blues

Everyone knows that frequent trips to the lav are all part of pregnancy, but that’s not all. Bathroom blues includes a gamete of miseries. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you are grossly aware of the unfortunate ailments that arise in the nether regions of the body.

Hemorrhoids and constipation are no joke. I tried drinking prune juice but it tastes like dirty feet.

|3|

Sleepaches

If you sleep on your back or stomach, say goodbye to normal nighttime routine. Pregnant mothers are instructed to sleep on their sides (left side as much as possible) which really puts a (literal) cramp in my sleeping style. I often wake up feeling stiff and uncomfortable because I just want to roll onto my belly. If you’re co-sleeping, beware of some bad nights for your partner. Austin wakes up a lot because I’m rutching around, rearranging pillows, stretching out a charlie-horse, heaving myself up to visit the bathroom, or just trying to turn over.

|4|

Fat Feet

I’m not stressing about my ever growing front or rear, it’s all part of the process. What does bother me is my fat feet. All of a sudden they have swelled into what looks like two odd shaped balloons. I try to avoid looking at them (which is becoming easier and easier). I brought this up with my midwife and she took one look and said, “Yup. It will get worse.”

Unfortunately, fat feet are hard to hide, especially as warm weather approaches. Try not to look at them for my sake.

|5|

Killer Gas

It’s true. Avoid beans.

|6|

Back Pain

One of the most common pregnancy complaints is backaches. It makes sense; your front is sticking out and your back doesn’t quite know how to handle it. Exercise helps, but it’s not a complete cure. The best thing to do is to avoid being on your feet for extended amounts of time, which can be hard for the working woman.

|7|

Roadtrip Hell

An hour in the car is about all you can take before everything is numb and achey. There’s also the carsickness. And the full bladder.

Bottom line, a roadtrip the Grand Canyon will have to wait.

|8|

Off balance

Losing your balance during pregnancy is common, but that’s not the only type of balance you’ll be losing. Your hormones are strapped into the crazy mouse for nine months, ending up in all different directions. This leaves almost every expecting mama feeling off balance and unable to get a grip at one point or another during the pregnancy. Luckily this is not uncommon and most folks will understand if you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom to cry over the smallest of grievances.

|9|

Sniffles

Not only are you wiping your nose and eyes over random pregnancy blues, the common cold and sinus infections plague a majority of women at least once during nine months. Allergies are also a hassle, especially if you are avoiding taking any sort of medications. I relented and started using Austin’s stash of hankies (he is anti-tissue) just because it’s gentler on my consistently red nose.

|10|

You will have to give birth

Sure, delivery day is wonderful because you get a baby, but let’s pause for a moment to remember what has to happen before baby arrives. The day I found out I was expecting Baby Baer, I became acutely aware that I will have to go through the fairly disgusting process of labor and delivery. You may be one of those who think it’s all very beautiful and miraculous. I disagree. I think the baby is beautiful and miraculous, but the process to see said baby is gory and I don’t want to watch. We’ll see if I change my mind post birth. I’ll let you know.

***