Continued from Part One
Day 16
A lot has happened during my absence on the Internet. Obama loves the gays, TIME hates breastfeeding, and The Bachelorette has started again. Internet chaos for sure, but I haven’t seen any of it.
I take solace in the fact that I have nothing new to contribute. You already know my thoughts; I love Obama, the gays, breastfeeding, and mocking reality TV.
Carry on.
Day 21
{Letter to a friend}
Dear Elizabeth,
Buenos Dias.
First off: Sorry for my weird arsed letter a few weeks ago. It was day 4 of rain and I had cabin fever, menstrual cramps, and Wicked on the brain. Since then I’ve read exactly one book, not because I haven’t wanted to read more, but because requesting a book from our library is like requesting a special kind of crack. It takes awhile.
The book I read is called Vernon God Little. Have you heard of it? A friend gave it to me for my birthday. When I started it, I never thought I’d make it the whole way through. I only finished it out of desperation for something to do. Have you ever watched an indie movie that you kind of hate the whole time you’re watching it, but then when it’s over you think: that was really great? It was like that.
What else.
Last week I left Waylon for 12 whole hours. Are you terribly impressed? I went to DC for the day with my friend Carrie. She talked me into the whole thing, arguing it would be good for Waylon and I to have some space. I agreed, I just wasn’t sure how he would survive without me, or more accurately—my hooters. As you might remember, he doesn’t take a bottle and only falls asleep attached to me. It is not ideal.
Austin was skeptical too, but after a few speeches about “the sacrifice of being a parent” or something like that—he agreed and off I went, nervous shits and all.
A few hours in I texted Candis to make sure I wasn’t being a paranoid helicopter mom for being worried about it. She assured me my fears were warranted and that yes, it’s hard being a mom and yes, he would survive.
12 hours later and everyone was perfectly fine. I pumped in Panera while 14 year old boys watched and Waylon greeted me at the door with smiles and then went back to playing with his ball. I was insulted and relieved.
Well, I’m off to Hershey to spy on the Ringling Brothers. They are in town and unloading the elephants off the train in a half hour. Maybe I’ll rescue one and ride it home, Aladdin style.
Bail me out of jail.
Love.
Kate
Day 23
Morale is high these days. Austin has not started his summer job yet and there has also been a lot of glorious, magnificent sun. Every day is like a Saturday.
Thank you Jesus, I was almost a goner.
Every day someone asks me how it’s going being away. To be honest, I’ve lost track of the days. I rarely sit at the computer or feel compelled to check my phone. I feel ambivalent about June. It’s not that I don’t want to return, it’s that I don’t care either way.
Am I surprised to feel this way? No. I knew this would happen, I’m only surprised it didn’t happen sooner.
Day 26
I don’t know how you feel about rabbits, but I’m not a fan. Rats on pogo sticks. Possums in disguise. They ate all my lettuce, the little shits. I’ve asked Austin to “take care of it” more than once, but he’s done nothing. I may have to take matters into my own hands. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I hope it sounds terrifying.
My sister and I took the baby to the pool today. He was scared at first, but it wasn’t long before he was gigging, splashing, and jumping off the side into my arms. It was all of a sudden that he had no fear, dunking his head under the water and kicking his legs. My little fish. I was proud and horrified.
Day 27
My list of things to Google is getting embarrassing. Almost daily I add another insignificant item to look up in June. Most embarrassing might be my scribble of “Barney 90s kids cast/ where are they now?”
Not that Waylon ever watches Barney.
Day 29
My time without Internet is coming to an end. I haven’t written much in these last two weeks, which has more to do with laziness than any real lack of time.
Over the weekend I ran into a bunch of people I haven’t seen since April. They all asked what I’d learned and how I’d changed by the month away. I felt embarrassed because the only thing I could think of was that I’d started watching Mad Men.
{Letter to a friend}
Dear Bess,
Thanks so much for your letter. My favorite part was when you recounted all the funny “Shit Nobody Says” from the Twitter feed. Priceless. My favorite: ‘I don’t know, let’s yahoo it.”
We’re all doing fine out here in Pennsylvania. All except the rabbits who went and ate all the lettuce out of my garden. They are on my shit list. Do you have rabbits in Ohio? I see on the return address that you live there. I’ve been to Ohio once or twice, it’s very flat and I liked it. I don’t remember seeing rabbits though, maybe I was just lucky.
You probably love rabbits. Maybe you even have a pet rabbit named Richard who sleeps with you at night and chews on your hair. I won’t hold it against you, but don’t expect a sleepover any time soon. Just the thought of being in the same room as a rabbit gives me the cold blooded shivers. They are like the cute kid in the movie that turns out to be the cold-blooded killer. Doesn’t that terrify you? See also: Donnie Darko.
Sorry I spent the majority of this letter talking about rabbits.
My friend Suzie texted me today to remind me that there are only two days left until I’m back online. In all honesty, I had forgotten. I’ve been too busy scratching mosquito bites and watching Mad Men. I’ve also been reading a lot. Right now it’s Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card. I’m pretty sure it’s a book for boys as it’s inspired me to go out and fight aliens, but I don’t care. It’s awesome.
Anyway, I will be happy to return to The Internets on Friday. Being away has been terribly inconvenient. I didn’t realize how many things I’d want to yahoo all day long.
I hope you’re well.
Kate
Day 30
Today is our anniversary.
We are celebrating this weekend with some of our best friends who got married on the same day (a year later) by tubing down the Delaware river. I’m excited about it, though I have to admit I keep envisioning us all drowning in a tragic accident. It would make for a good headline.
I have a lot of regrets in life, regrets that I know I should let go because it’s not helping anyone to sit around regretting them. Marrying this man is not one of them. He is everything I never knew I always wanted. One day a year, I’m allowed to use that cliche.
Day 31
So it’s over and I have nothing spectacular to say. Sometimes it was really hard and sometimes it was not. Sometimes I wanted to cheat and other times I forgot about it all together. Most of the time I remained happily in between, grateful for the break but excited to return.
Everyone wants a revelation. I don’t have a revelation.
If I learned anything, it is that I need to be on my phone less and with my family more. I guess I knew that all along.
Also, living without Google is really inconvenient.
Thank you for missing me. Thank you for your letters and emails, texts and phone calls. Thank you for your happy thoughts.
I’m glad to be back.
***
