Have you ever found yourself peeing blood in the grocery store bathroom while your napless toddler tries to throw your phone in the neighboring toilet?
No? Just me?
Last night I spent two hours writing a post about this experience, but when I woke up this morning–I just couldn’t hit publish. There is a fine line between UTI and TMI, and I crossed it. It was funny though, but not funny ha-ha. More like funny I almost died in the soap aisle because the student health receptionist was eating her lunch.
Fortunately I am feeling better now, though I would like to send out a public service announcement to all medical receptionists in charge of calling in medicine. Do not take your lunch break if someone’s vagina is on fire. Sorry I said vagina, but I’m being serious. You should never take your lunch break when you know someone is crouched over, moaning in pain, waiting for your call in the middle of the grocery store pharmacy with a tired toddler. It isn’t nice. It isn’t human. It isn’t right.
Austin casually mentioned I would do the same thing if I were a student health receptionist since I really like lunch and hate being a receptionist, but I disagree. If you call me and your vagina is on fire, I promise I will not take my lunch break. The turkey sandwich can wait.
Also, avoid hot tubs.
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Just curious, does anyone actually use LinkedIn? I have marked them as spam seven times and I still get their daily emails wanting me to connect with the kid who pushed me off the swing-set in 3rd grade. Get away from me, e-mail monster. You are an interwebs curse.
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Every night before I fall asleep, I choose something to think about. I know it’s weird, just go with it. Sometimes it’s pretty standard; the lottery, a book published, a singing career. But sometimes it’s a little nuts. Like if I had a cat the size of a dime, or how every Seinfeld plot could have been solved with a cell phone, or what would happen if I won a free, solar powered RV (we’re not selling it).
Lately I’m stuck on the fugitive scenario. I don’t know why it fascinates me, but I just can’t get over how completely awesome and terrifying it would be to go undercover. Some people in this house claim I would make a terrible fugitive, but they underestimate my stealth, my speed, my style. I picture myself in cornfields, camouflaged. In New York City, just a common prostitute! Here I am pretending to be the duchess of Mecklenburg. Or am I?
Think of the wigs, because that’s all I really do anyways. I could get some crazy wigs.
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I think you should be mad at the Dr. She’s the one that is in charge of calling in the prescription, not the receptionist. She was probably on her lunch break too. But seriously, that’s awful. I’m really sorry.
Speaking of solar powered RVs, why has no one attached windmills to the tops of cars so that they can power themselves as you drive? I think that’s the most genius idea ever. Maybe I will copyright it.
I’ve tried to “make” my dreams before…doesn’t really work for me. But I like the undercover idea, until I am being shot at. Then it isn’t cool. Also, I have a Linkedin, but i don’t really use it. I’m not looking for a job, and i hate the emails.
Sorry about your vagina.
Ditto.
Also feel free to say it. Most of us know what it is by now. I hope.
Thanks guys.
dying over the linkedin thing, dying. Stupid kid. also? I don’t even *really* know what it is. Therefore, I don’t use it. Sorry for vagina fire. not cool.
I can’t stop laughing.
SALT. that’s your movie.
LinkedIn is the worst. Sorry about the UTI, because actually–THEY are the worst. I’ve had several. Avoid hot tubs. Yes.
I have a family friend that was suffering from unbearable cramps, so her doc perscribed Rx pain meds. Her husband drove her to the pharmacy to pick up the order. She was doubled over in pain, so he ran inside to pick it up himself and the pharmacist told him that she could not give it to him directly, she needed to give it to the patient. He explained that his wife was in the car and was in awful pain, but the pharmacist would not budge. Poor Katie had to practically crawl into the pharmacy so that she could personally pick up the Rx. On the way home, husband determined that this was not normal pain, then drove her to the hospital… turns out she had an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball that was just about to repture.
Every time I get anywhere near a pharmacy now, I think of that story. I understand protocol and precautions and lunch (12, on the dot, otherwise I’m a monster) but SERIOUSLY… there are times to take pity on those in pain and be flexible!
So, in conclusion, sorry that your va-jay-jay was leaking blood. :( I hope that idea is NOT what I’m thinking about before I go to bed tonight!
I kind of hope that it is.
Which gives me the giggles.
xo
This is basically why I read this blog.
I like to have something to think about while I try to fall asleep too. I used to think of dating scenarios with boys I thought were cute but now that I’m married those don’t really work anymore. I’ve tried decorating my house in my mind but since I’m an interior designer I just get to caught up in ideas for my design blog and then I can’t sleep. My mother-in-law tells herself stories about helping homeless people, but I couldn’t get into that one. I like the publishing a book or singing career ideas.
I think that’s why I have to think of something fun, otherwise I just go over my to do list and covered in hives (not really).
Seinfeld plot being solved by a cell phone!! One of my girlfriends & I talk about that more often then we’d like to admit! :) Hope you’re feeling better!
Silly hot tubs. I wish this blog could see the texts I received while the UTI was en route and then inevitably here. Sad times. I always think of something before I fall asleep. Recent topics: what I would do first once I learned how to fly, what if I lived out of a 60s bus, and my amazing music career if I pulled a Taylor Swift and moved from PA to TN.
Please pull a Taylor.
I’ve had similar uti experience, glad your doing better. cranberry pills or tablets are a life saver when your prone to uti’s. You can purchase them almost anywhere, Walmart, Walgreens, health food stores. They don’t have the sugar cranberry juice does. Take them at the first sign of a uti, and until the symptoms subside, and avoid sugar as much as possible. I really like Linked in too, it’s more for professional contacts.
Good tip! I’ll have to get some.
It’s my fault for being peer pressured into signing up for it in the first place. I know some people find it very helpful.
Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. And I’m a first-time reader, so our relationship is looking good.
I’m so glad. Welcome.
Haha, I love fugitive scenarios too! I also have it in my head that I’d be a great one…or maybe a CIA agent. They are obviously missing out on us.
About your LinkedIn comment- Andy uses it and has numerous job offers on it! He actually just took a job in California (we move in January) and all because of LinkedIn. I’m not on it, but I think it can do great things if you have a good profile.
UTIs are THE WORST – the worst. I got them so much a while ago that I carried medication around with me! But there is now some amazing OTC stuff that I keep on hand that keeps the pain down until the real antibiotics kick in.
Not a fan of LinkedIn, but it’s helped my husband a lot with freelancing. I hate them because they keep sending emails and when I try to unsubscribe, it takes me to my profile page and I can’t figure out what to turn off to stop getting the emails. I like to have a slim inbox because it’s something I can control – unlike the snail mail or the school papers or the bills, you know?
I like to decorate houses in my mind before I go to sleep, or design what I would wear to the Oscars. . .
hahahaha!!! okay–i’m SO glad to know that i’m not the only one who thinks about how crazy awesome it would be to go all “Pelican Brief”. i wouldn’t do wigs…not at first. i think i’d chop/color my hair, preferably in the nasty bathroom of a seedy motel. that’s hardcore fugitive right there.