I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old. I was a sophomore in college and hopelessly in love. The morning after, I found my first gray hair. They’ve been slowly multiplying ever since.
I’ve tried to regret it. I’ve waited for the tears, the shame, the feelings of remorse. It’s never come, not once. I’m not sure why. I was raised in a private school system that emphasized abstinence to the point of excess. In high school they even went as far as dragging in some poor 43 year old virgin to convince us it wasn’t all that bad. He was short and balding and trying too hard to be funny. The whole thing seems sort of sad now.
Austin didn’t wait either, and when I asked him yesterday if he regrets it, he responded with “no” and “I’m going to need to see that post before you share it.”
If you’ve read our love story, you’ll remember that we waited with each other. It was weird and I’m pretty sure no one believes us. The strange thing is that now that kids are in the picture, our ideas on sex have changed. All of a sudden it’s not just our perspective on waiting but Waylon’s perspective on waiting. I surprised myself when I realized I want him to wait for marriage. I want him to enjoy high school without the complications and (God forbid) negative consequences of sex. I want him to fall in love in college, but in a pure and magical way. I want him to have the perfect love story.
The problem is that we don’t live in a perfect world and no one has a perfect love story. Most people I know did not wait. This includes church-going, Bible-reading, abstinence-preaching folks too. Especially them. 80 percent of young, unmarried Christians have had sex. Two-thirds have been sexually active within the last year even though 76 percent of them believe sex outside marriage is morally wrong.
In my experience, everyone is pretty embarrassed about the whole thing; worried what others will think and paranoid their parents will find out and realize their perfect parenting wasn’t so perfect after all. That’s the thing with making sex scary or dangerous or a RED FLAG, all of a sudden it becomes this giant mystery to discover and a shameful secret once it’s had. That can’t be healthy either.
My thoughts on the subject get fuzzier and fuzzier the farther I’m removed from the issue. Obviously I don’t condone teens shacking up in the janitor closet, but college kids? Post college? What about some of my friends in their 30s who are unmarried? Are they supposed to abstain too?
Sex is complicated. It’s also very simple, which makes it all the more complicated.
What do you think? Is abstinence realistic? What will you tell your kids? Is sex worth the wait?
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Please feel free to comment anonymously.
This post was inspired by this A Cup Of Jo’s post last week.
Sex stats found in Relevant Magazine
I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 – but he was not my first (and I was not his). I have no idea what to tell our kids. They’ll probably find this comment and hold it over our heads. I highly doubt I’ll go down the “wait until marriage” path…I lean more towards the “don’t make me a grandma before I’m 50″ road. What I’m more terrified of is all the other things they can do besides just plain ol’ sex between two people.
So many things. I’m looking at Waylon very worriedly thinking about it, but he is unaffected and eating raisins.
Things are simple right now. I appreciate that.
Well that was a brave post. My husband and I waited. It wasnt that hard to wait because I was scared of the whole thing. We will teach our kids to wait too … Except we will be much more open about it than our parents were. They had me terrified! It negatively affected our marriage for years.
Openness is key.
I grew up in the same kind of Mennonite community and here’s what I think: our parent’s generation had a major fail when it came to sex. They either didn’t talk about it at all (most of them) or made it extremely off limits. In my experience this has resulted in a lot of premarital sex or really bad marital sex. My siblings and I all had sex before marriage but my good little mennonite parents have NO IDEA. No idea! Because we hide it from them. Just like everything else.
This is where our generation needs to step it up. Make it better. Fix it.
My husband and I waited. We were each other’s firsts and while I’m thankful that we waited for each other, I sometimes wish we hadn’t waited until we were married. SINNER SINNER.
There was just so much PRESSURE. There was pressure NOT to do it while we were dating/engaged, so there was pressure for it to be GREAT when we finally did. And to be honest, it was kind of a huge let down. Which made me feel like there was something wrong with me, which resulted in a lot (A LOT) of issues in that area. Honestly, it took a few years (how sad is that?) before I got over all of the misconceptions about sex and had a realistic and healthy view of it.
So for my son? I would love for him to wait. I would love for him to share that with one person. But I also want him to have a healthy and honest understanding (not a glorified or perverted one) of what sex is. So I won’t tell him that it’s awful unless you wait and then it’s perfect. Because I think that’s so not true. I’ll probably just be painfully honest with him and hope for the best.
Yikes.
I think that happens a lot…the expectation for it to be amazing and then the whole thing being a giant let down.
I like that about marriage, so much time to practice.
I second what Kim says about there being so many terrifying things that I will not acknowledge my early twenties not in relationships siblings may or may not do…let alone my own kids someday. So much pressure is put on “sexual intercourse” basically brushing over the whole rest of the lot…
My husband and I didn’t wait. We had sex 8 months before our wedding day for the first time. It was super weird and I kept thinking, what was I waiting for? This is great! But I am glad he didn’t sleep with anyone else. How do you tell that to your kids? Sure, go ahead and have sex but just make sure you’re going to marry them? Because that doesn’t always work.
My parents have no idea. No one does, except one random cousin and my best friend from college. They were both pretty shocked. My parents were very much the abstinence preaching parents so they’d probably be pretty disappointed.
Also, bravo on once again delicately discussing a topic that we too often ignore!
My husband and I waited, but for me it was often a matter of practicallity, in high school I was training to be a D1 athlete and when that didn’t turn out, I still took sports very seriously in college. I didn’t want anything (not even drinking) to get in my way.
There were times when it was hard to wait, but I am glad we did. However, I have recently been told by friends who are still sigle or dating that I am not an accurate voice on the subject since I got married when I was 22. I don’t get to comment on abstinance late into your 20s and even 30s.
However, I will say, that I think you and Austin waiting for each other is pretty powerful. I have had several friends make similar commitments to their future spouses and they are all glad that even though they had sex before, that they waited for their spouse.
that D1 wanna be althete was me – I didn’t try to make it anonymous, but I accidentally hit enter.
Way to go sports for being great birth control!
I’m glad we waited, but if we would have been in our 30s? I doubt it would have happened.
You are really balls to the walls this month, and I appreciate it. I don’t read fluff blogs anymore. They make my eyes roll right out of my head.
I did not wait and my husband did wait. He was pretty upset about it for five minutes on the second week we were dating, then I realized he’d done just as much really (when you look at what everything-else-but-sex actually is) and we both just moved on.
We’re alllll good now, ifyouknowwhatImean.
I can’t believe you and Austin waited! That’s pretty amazing to wait even though you knew what you were missing.
My husband and I waited and I’m really glad we did. But maybe we’re all just saying we’re glad we did what we did because it worked out? I have friends though who waited and now they’re divorced and friends who didn’t wait and they have the best relationship I’ve ever witnessed. So maybe sex isn’t the single defining factor. (obviously)
Definitely not the only contributing factor. I think the largest one would be communication (in relation to sex as well).
Yes…waiting is worth it for all ages. The union between two people whether its casual or serious is not just a physical union but one that exists on a spiritual level. Many don’t understand or even realize the deeper union that occurs. The Biblical principle of two becoming one “flesh” is real, sacred and should only be the seal of commitment between two people that love and respect each other and have pledged their lives to each other. Does this always happen, no but God has a big heart and offers forgivness and restoration. However, lets make waiting the goal. Papa
Thanks dad :) I love when you randomly comment on this thing. Of course it’s one about sex…. I’m thankful it doesn’t have to be an embarrassing conversation for us.
Your papa said it perfectly.
My parents’ marriage was a result of me as I was conceived prior. When their marriage failed (for many, many reasons) and my mom found Jesus, I was 11 and from that point on, it was DRILLED into me how terrible-awful it was to have sex before you were married. (I compare my mom to Carrie’s mom sometimes) It would mean lack of respect for yourself, from your partner, others…not to mention ALL the negative consequences from that terrible-awful action. So what did I do? I did IT with the coolest, cutest, bad-ass-est boy in school, when I was 15. One time. Because after that ONE time, I was racked with such horrible guilt I could barely function. And honestly? To this day, I can barely remember it. On the positive, it made me realize sex (and all that comes with it) was not something I was ready for. The cool, cute, bad-ass boy broke up with me when he realized it was a one and done event and moved on to the next one (Thank God (also)for many, many reasons). I didn’t do IT again until I met my husband, a good 8 years later. We lived together for about 4 years before we got married – so I had a good 4 years of feeling guilty and trying (and failing) to keep it from my mom. And now, after being married for 4 years, I am finally starting to get rid of the guilt and fear that has haunted me for almost 2 decades. And yes, it has affected my relationship with my husband and I am working hard on viewing sex in a more healthy way.
As far as how I want my daughter to see sex, yes, I would like her to wait until she is married and have a healthy view of it and herself and know that she should respect herself and any guy worth HER time will be willing to wait and respect her and himself enough to do so.
WOW – that felt good to get off my chest! Thank you for being open and honest to write this post.
Ditto, ditto, ditto. Sex guilt is THE WORST.
What a long journey! Thank you for sharing. I think the perspective you want for your daughter is great and honorable.
I’m so glad you tossed the blogger rules out of the window, cause this conversation is awesome. I’d had sex before we dated, but Jeff hadn’t. Jeff and I “waited” until we were married, which basically meant we did everything but and got way too close too many times. We were in the same “Christian” boat, of not wanting to go to or get hell from our parents. It was a big part of the reason we got married as young as we did- something I wish I could change very much.
For Taylor, I know I’ll be much more open to the sex conversation than Jeff will- probably because she’s a girl. I hope she’ll wait until she’s old enough to understand the emotional and physical consequences off sex, and that it will be with someone she could see herself marrying, even if she doesn’t end up doing so. Agree that the whole “sex is perfect when you’re married” is such an awful expectation to set up for young people, especially women. Making something taboo only creates a dynamic of secrecy, it doesn’t stop people from having sex. And those who do wait often have really bad sex, which is sad.
I’ve heard this a lot! Getting married just to have sex. It seems so silly, but I totally get it. When you’re 19, 20, 21…it’s just such a BIG DEAL and you want it NOW without the guilt and the shame.
Oh Kate, you’re so brave! I too was raised in the super conservative.Protestant/Christian School atmosphere. My parents were pretty cool and the conversation of abstinence never even came up (but, I never really dated in high school and was a major goody-goody so they probably weren’t concerned). At school and youth group, I felt like the topic of abstinence until marriage was the ONLY thing addressed. Seriously, I think most of my friends thought the central message of Christianity was, “Don’t have sex.” So ridiculous.
My husband and I both waited ( we were married at 23 and 24 and had dated for 1.5 years). Like someone said above, I felt like it was the right decision, but maybe if we hadn’t waited I’d feel like it was no big deal. I think the discussion of Christian singles in their late twenties and thirties is interesting. I do kind of feel like, “How are they supposed to wait that long?”
I am a little scared that I have boys and it’ll be difficult and awkward to have open discussions with them in high school. Yikes.
I had to laugh thinking back to youth group and remembering all the abstinence talks. It really was all we talked about…we watched so many painfully awkward VHS tapes about it, filled out I-Promise-To-Wait contracts, passed around promise rings…oh my.
I was a major goody-goody in high school too. Sex never crossed my mind as a possibility. College was a different story (obviously).
We always agree on everything so I don’t really need to say anything else except Waylon will probably be really annoyed and embarrassed when I’m constantly asking him about the state of his sexuality so we can have an open conversation. Sigh.
Ha! So how I feel- that I’ll be so annoying in effort to have the openness that I didn’t have. I see a lot of eye rolling in my baby boys future!
Love a truthful post! I met my husband when I was 15, we got engaged the week before my 20th birthday, and married when I was 22. I recently asked my mom about what she was thinking letting me get married so young. I judge silently for a quick second when someone is young and getting married, and then realize, hey you did that. I think maturity is more important than age for a lot of things. We were each other’s first but it was when we were both in high school. Granted we are still together, but how did I know that at the time?
I hope my kids will make good decisions, but i have no idea what I will tell them to do. In the end it doesn’t really matter because they may rebel or go with what you say. Most important in my opinion is raising them to be good moral people. Hopefully I’ll figure that out as we go!
Same with the judging! I feel like I’m always seeing people at chech get married after 2.5 seconds of dating, and we all know it’s just because they want to have sex. But who am I to talk, I got married at 21.
I’m always a fan of the “figure it out as we go” approach!
I’m SO glad I did not have sex with the first boy I fell in love with (even though I was ‘so mature’ and in college). It wasn’t just that though – thank God I never gave into post break-up physical anything with him, even though it was often a possibility and desire. For me it was about moving forward, knowing anything sexual is an emotional and spiritual bond that attaches me (even when I tell myself it doesn’t) and therefore holds me down. My next physical experience was a release from the first love, but I stopped it and even laughed (poor guy) when he suggested anything beyond a first kiss – we had literally just met that day for pete’s sake! With my husband – I’m just so thankful we both had not had sex before and that we made a decision to hold off until our wedding night. We had no pressure, nothing to compare it to, no images to go through our heads or cause doubts. Of course it took a few weeks to get the hang of it – but to learn together and without judgement was something I hope for everyone. Being able to be completely vulnerable with no fear of the other person leaving – in the center of commitment – a safe place – that is what I want for my child.
“Being able to be completely vulnerable with no fear of the other person leaving – in the center of commitment – a safe place – that is what I want for my child.”
Yes. Just yes. Amen.
I think one of my biggest fears with kids and sex is that they will get married just to have sex and wake up 40 years later and think: this wasn’t worth
I know couples who got married just to have sex and regretted it, so it is also a fear of mine.
I guess sex has never been that scarey to me before… We were not raised religiously and were never spoken to about sex at allll. My older sister told me the 5 guy rule. And my mom gave me a book about the biology of it. I married my 5th guy, I’m his 6th lady! And we’re both normal! I swear! We got married at 26, I’ve never given a thought to feeling guilty or ashamed.
Haha, I love the “And we’re both normal! I swear!”
Religion does complicate things sometimes. Thanks for sharing! High five to normalcy!
My then-boyfriend-now-husband and I lost our V-cards to each other when we were 18 years old, on my freshman dorm room matress (gross). We were SO awkward and uncoordinated, but that actually made the experience really wonderful because we both KNEW that we were clueless and therefore didn’t have any expectations for ourselves. I was ataully cracking up as we tried to figure out the logistics… a nice ice-breaker. :)
While I don’t regret that we “did it” before marriage, I do wish that I had been more prepared for the crazy emotions that accompanied the deed. I didn’t feel guilt or shame, but I was very overwhelmed by the realization that I had just given a part of myself to someone else. I was forever linked to him. It was a big epiphany.
A few years later we ended up getting married and, to be completely honest, I was relieved to not have any “surprises” to worry about on my wedding night. I was (am) also really grateful that the person I gave that gift to will be by my side forever, and he’ll be the only person to ever share that intimacy with me. We don’t have kids now, but when we do, I’d like to think that I’d be really open about sex and ALL that it entails (physical and emotional and spiritual). Then, I’ll have to trust that they will make the right decision for them.
Right on, Anon. Right on.
had sex with the first college boy i fell in love with. we waited until we were dating for two years, though – not because of any real “moral” implications but because we both had a lot going on and didn’t want any mistake to complicate things.
i’m weirdly still with him, but i would be 100% fine with the decision if we had broken up somewhere along the line.
oh also, i was raised fairly catholic and attended church, but i’m probably an atheist now (i don’t really think about religion or god (lower case) a whole lot).
Thanks for sharing!
We waited till we were married, for both spiritual and personal reasons. I feel thankful that we’re both goofy enough to not have taken the whole thing too seriously and we were able keep or expectations low, which took away a lot of pressure. I felt, and still do feel, safe and loved and cared for, which I think is the most you can ask for in sex. My mom actually really wanted me to sleep with him and live together before we got married, she couldn’t understand our decision at all, which I’m guessing is the opposite of most peoples experience and makes me laugh looking back.
On a whole, the conversation around sex mostly makes me sad. To me it feels like people are either terrified and guilt ridden or too casual about it. Like you said, it’s complicated and yet simple…there’s got to be a better middle ground.
It makes me sad, too. Both ends. Really sad.
Thanks for articulating it.
agreed. echoing my sentiments on this.
totally agree with this and feel the same way.
My husband and I waited and I don’t ever regret it. We also didn’t kiss before we were married (which is a little extreme and I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong), and I don’t regret that either. It made our first kiss something very special.
But like other people have mentioned, I didn’t have a very healthy view of sex before hand. I knew I wasn’t supposed to do it, but my parents never talked about it and it all just seemed scary and bad. I really hope I can be honest and open with my kids about it. Tell them how natural it is, but how beautiful it can be if you’ve only had sex with your husband. And when I say that I mean husband, not fiancé or boyfriend that became your husband. It’s a really special bond that we have between the two of us and no one else. And to me, it makes our marriage seem more real almost. More than just signatures on a piece of paper. Does that make any sense?
I also think leaving it out of our relationship made it easier. When I realized that I loved him and wanted to marry him even though we had never even kissed, I was very sure of myself and new that I would only love him more afterwards. I was also spared any of the guilt. And I know it would have been severe because I truly believe sex before marriage is wrong. And even though I know God forgives freely, the guilt would have followed me into our marriage.
I’ll stop now. Sorry for the novel; this is something I’m pretty passionate about.
Don’t ever be sorry for writing a novel! I love it.
Thanks for sharing this, I think it’s really interesting you didn’t kiss and am so happy that your relationship has been made stronger by it!
lotsa guilt in these comments. yowza.
Great post– I was not a virgin when I got married, but my husband was and we also waited with each other. Unlike you, I do feel guilty about my past because I strive to be the woman that God wants me to be, and unfortunately those past experiences came with huge emotional consequences. I also felt bad that while my husband had waited to share that gift with me that I hadn’t with him– although now it is a non-issue in the beginning I had to reassure him that I wasn’t comparing him and all the things that come along with that. In the end, I think God has it right in the bible and tells us to save that for so many reasons– if nothing else it is a true gift. I missed out on that, but I also believe in complete restoration through Christ which is why I do not carry the shame and guilt with me at this point in my life. I feel like I will be honest with my children when they get old enough, and share that it caused some difficulties later for me and the regrets I have had over it. Again, great post– it made me think!
p.s. I just re-read my comment and my second sentence sounds snarky “unlike you…” but it is NOT meant that way at all! :)
Not at all snarky. Thank you for your honesty.
The older I get the more I realize that everyone is on their own path and will make their own choices – and a lot of the time that is sex before marriage – even with parenting that lovingly urges abstinence.
I think rather than say “wait until you are married” I just want to somehow teach our kids that sex isn’t shameful, sexuality is good and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Let them know that sex does complicate things and that it is only for people who are in love and committed and mature enough to handle any of the things that could come out of it (pregnancy, deep intimacy and connection, deep heartache if things don’t work out).
I guess I just want to raise my children to be smart, confident adults and then respect their decisions from their. Advise them if it seems right. I just don’t want to shame them or have them think that there is only one right way to do life.
And by their I obviously mean there. Bah.
Exactly.
… exactly.
Candis. You are so right.
I love reading your comment, because it made me feel better about the path I’ve chosen! After reading some of these comments (no offense to anyone), I started feeling like I’m doing something wrong or immoral.
I had sex for the first time when I was in college (my freshman year) and I don’t for a second regret it. It was not a bad experience nor do I feel guilty or ashamed about it now. Since then, I’ve had sex a few times with a few people, and have now been in a happy, healthy, relationship for the past 5 years (AND we’re not married yet).
My parents raised me incredibly well, and I am thankful every day for the person I have become because of them.
I am confident and mature enough to know what I am doing, and I’m doing what I want, because it feels right.
Anyways, I think the bottom line is, it’s important to know the consequences, and be safe about it, but ultimately it’s up to the individual person to decide. What’s right for one person, might not be right for another, and it’s important not to judge other people for the decisions they’ve made.
To each their own.
Thanks for writing this post, Kate. It was such a good one.
I love this, and agree SO wholeheartedly. I think it’s time we move on from the generations of shaming.
Yes, to what Candis said! I want my daughter to feel comfortable enough to communicate with me about anything. This means without guilt or fear or shame. And I want her to respect herself. I think that plays a big role in our sexual experience as well.
this is so interesting.
honestly, reading these comments–the thing that shocks me the most is how many people waited. it seems like so out of the norm for our current world (and this coming from a girl who did wait, and has never so much as kissed a man besides her husband. you know, besides dad and brothers but that’s different. i mean a REAL kiss)
yes, i tell my children (and will tell the younger ones) that sex is for marriage. the spiritual and emotional and mental aspects of it get cheapened otherwise and that’s sad. accusing your parents of giving you “issues” with sex because of their stand is no different than the “issues” raised by separating the deeper connections made through sex from the act itself and using that as an excuse to promiscuity. that’s a problem too, just a different one.
(and by “you” i don’t mean you kate, i mean “you” in the third person general sense) ;)
What worries me is how common it is for parents to negatively affect their children’s sexual life, whether that’s influencing them to be promiscuous or giving them guilt about sex even in a marriage. Obviously it’s never intentional, it’s just a delicate thing.
My husband and I were 18 and both each others firsts…and we got pregnant 5 months later during our freshmen year of college. I think as a teen you don’t fully understand what can happen for a moment of lust. I plan on talking to my kids openly about sex and stressing that you should wait until you have found the right person. That its not something to give to random people. If my kids do decide to have sex at an earlier age my job as a parent is to make sure they are protected. You can’t lock your kids up and think that they won’t find a way to have sex. And for the record I’m not sorry that I made that choice, I did have a beautiful miracle come from it. Yes my life would have been different but I wouldn’t have my smart, beautiful daughter :-)
No, you definitely can’t lock your kids up or be naive enough to think they aren’t interested. Openness is key.
Thanks for sharing, Nikki.
So this is basically why I read this blog.
First of all, that was a pretty tender comment from your dad. I can tell how much he loves you…
People ran the gamut on this one. We’re bunched with those who waited. This has been on my mind because we just had the big chat with our two oldest boys (9 & 10). And it was awesome (and hilarious as my 9 year-old sang “semen, semen, semen…” in the car as we were wrapping up the discussion).
It’s hard to put in words something that’s beyond words. Sex is so much more than logistics. A mom and dad’s influence can do a lot in shaping a kid’s perspective. My parents were very open about sex, my husband’s, not so much, but they showed him what a healthy relationship looked like.
Looking back I realize it’s a gift our parents gave us, COMMUNICATING that sex was good, desirable, something to look forward to AT THE RIGHT TIME. It made sense and it felt right. Sure we wanted to (SO hard to wait), but God came first, enough so, that we kept our pants on :). I don’t know any different, but I have no regrets.
Good luck with Waylon. It’s a whole ‘nother ball game once you have kids of your own, isn’t it? We didn’t realize how fiercely we could love someone.
I just want to hug this comment. Yes.
“semen, semen, semen…”
Sex is really tricky. I am not married but have been with my boyfriend for four years. We have both had a few long term sexual partners. So far this has not affected us negatively. In fact we live together and plan on getting married sometime in the next few years.
I was raised in a brethren Church very similar to your community. They tried to scare us with sex but I didn’t buy it. I waited until college and have always been very careful using multiple forms of birth control and being aware of my body. I feel no guilt and if I ever have children I hope they have a similar experience to me. I’ve been responsible and have no hard feelings against my previous boyfriends. No one took advantage of me. I knew what I was doing. It was a natural part of being in a loving relationship.
We waited. It was a really long 4+ years but we made it and I am so glad we did. I don’t know the other side of it but I can’t imagine (because of my own insecurities) always wondering how I rated to any other women.
My parents made it crystal clear that they expected abstinence from me and over time that became my own expectation as well. I feel like somehow (and this is what I need to figure out as we raise our girls) they empowered me to believe that I was capable of waiting. In a world that felt like everyone was just “doing it,” and it was simply our “nature,” they gave me just enough instruction, mixed with fear (healthy fear of something I was too immature to fully grasp), information, and freedom to make that decision my own. In the end, there wasn’t any guilt or shame involved in any of it and our wedding night wasn’t traumatic. Must have been something to do with that communication thing for both my parents, and my husband and I.
I’m learning that kids will live up to our expectations. So why not have that high expectations and then show grace along the way? I guess even beyond the Biblical reasons that I pray my girls will wait, I just want them to know that I fiercely believe they are capable of waiting and that I’ve never met anyone who regretted waiting until after their vows.
Good luck, mama. I’m finding that this parenting thing only gets more complicated every day. I’m really glad we don’t have to do this all on our own!
Yes, I’m so glad we’re not alone either. Thanks for your encouraging comment.
@Gina I don’t have any hard feelings either. I get that!
My hubby and I were “waiters” And we have no regrets! We are also teaching our children to be “waiters” as well. The one thing I don’t like about being in this “camp” is that I wonder how many people do everything BUT the one thing. That doesn’t seem like “waiting” I know, there is no “line” but we did have a few conservative boundaries. It was hard, but helpful to concentrate on important things. Like real talking! We often joke that if we had sex while dating, we may never done anything else!
I try to be as open with my kids as possible. They are still young! Thank goodness! I want them to see it as normal and wonderful but also comes with great responsiblity. and being pure is not just avoiding the big act, it means having a pure heart and motives. Much much harder than avoiding actual intercourse!
Thanks for bringing up a topic that doesn’t get discussed!
“helpful to concentrate on important things. Like real talking!” This made me laugh. You’re right!
My husband and I did not wait. We both had multiple sexual partners. Neither of us regret it but we want our kids to wait too. Funny how that happens.
I think it’s because we know now that marital sex is SO much better than dating sex. There’s so much more time to practice! It’s just logical.
I’m dying over the amount of anonymous comments on this topic–but then again, I’m not so sure even *I* want to talk about it, so I don’t blame them;) My husband and I waited. But it’s more complicated than that. We also dated for a freakishly long time (as teenagers too), and explored in most other areas. So, ‘technical’ virgins, yes. Not sure if I really think that or not NOW. But yea. ANYWAY. My husband and I want to be open with our kids. We really do. Because we came from extremes. For me, I lied a lot to my parents. For him, he was WAY OPEN almost too much (like, they shouldn’t have let us be alone so much together in his room, door closed, when they were RIGHT THERE)…but I think there’s a balance. I pray, PRAY that God gives me some sort of wisdom on how to handle this with my girls.
When you said “with my girls” it really made me wonder about the differences between talking about sex with boys and with girls. Because obviously it will be a little different. Interesting for sure. Thanks for sharing!
Yes. SO SO different. From what I hear anyway. I’m scared, a little. But again, just praying I have some sort of knowledge/wisdom or SOMETHING. I will grow them up to be as smart, confident, and powered with information as possible. They’ll have the make the choice ultimately.
My husband and I waited, but we also got married a year after we started dating, so I’m not sure we’re the best preachers of “abstinence is hard but you have to do it anyway.”
I’m glad we waited, but (like a lot of readers on this blog) because sex was never talked about or talked about negatively in my very fundamentalist family, sex was very difficult for my husband and I at first. To be more honest, it was scary and hard for me, not for him–his patience with me throughout that time is one of the reasons we have such a good relationship (both physically and emotionally) now. Like I said, I don’t regret waiting, but I regret the fear that was much of the reason I waited. If I hadn’t had that fear/negative association, sure, maybe I would have “messed up” more, but I also wouldn’t have been terrified of sex with my husband.
For my son? I will probably just tell my husband to deal with it. I mean, I really don’t know what to say. I can tell him about mommies and daddies and babies when he’s like 6 or something, but I’m not sure it will really be me he’s listening to when he is 17. I guess I will just have to pray for wisdom–a lot a lot.
Being terrified of sex seems to be a common complaint in the Christian community. A complaint that breaks my heart.
I have no idea how one talks to a 17 year old boy about sex.
Want to hear a really sad story? My husband’s parents accidentally found out that we had sex before we got married and now they hold it against me. They don’t talk about it to my face but I know for sure that they have talked about it behind my back and it just really sucks. I feel like they think I corrupted their son which is ridiculous because it was obviously his choice too. To make matters worse I know for a fact that their dearest daughter also had sex. They just don’t know about it because she hides it really well. UGH
That sounds really frustrating. I’m sorry. It’s tricky too because if you bring it up, most likely they will either deny it or shut down. But maybe it’s worth a try anyway?
kudos to you for talking about subjects like this! Maybe I’ll be there someday! Haha! So I’m 30, a virgin and engaged. My fiancé is not. We have agreed to wait because we both feel it’s the best option for us and our convictions. I grew up in a church with a STRONG true- love-waits message that honestly didn’t prepare us for the real world at all. Several of my friends ended up pregnant. So much emphasis was placed on “protecting your heart” that I ended up avoiding men and relationships altogether out of fear that I was dishonoring my future husband. It was crazy really and I’m still trying to undo all that awful brainwashing. Needless to say, I’m glad I’ve waited and lord willing I can hold out until April 14! Haha!
30 year old virgin, rock on girl. Seriously.
I love this comment so much.
When I was 19 my dad walked in on me making out with my boyfriend. My hands were down his pants but we were not having sex. Not even close. All our clothes were still on.
My dad freaked out. He told my boyfriend to leave and never come back and then proceeded to call me a little whore and a slut. He said that I was now unclean in the eyes of God.
10 years later and we still do not speak. I left the next day and moved in with my boyfriend who is now my husband. Our daughters were born a year and then two years after we were married. I tell them their Grandpa died.
It’s one thing to tell your children to respect relationships and sex and that marital sex is much more special than unmarried sex. It’s another to grow up in a house where sex is the ultimate perversion and sin. It’s soul crushing and frankly sick.
This comment took my breath away. I am so sorry you had to experience this. Religion wasn’t meant to do this… and I hate that it has for you, other readers here, and more still.
I wish you all the best.
(Sorry to captain your comment section here, Kate!)
I’m so sorry that happened to you. This makes me so sad.
I echo these sentiments. I’m really, really sorry. I’m sorry that religion was used as a weapon. I hope for healing.
Wow… The comments alone deserve a comment! Love that you bring stuff like this up for discussion!
I grew up in a very strict church where hands-off relationships were the only accepted thing… Also no relationship until it was cleared with the girl’s father and guidelines were set up. Needless to say, there was fury when my dad found out I had fallen in love without his permission and worse yet, was kissed the boy. He told me to forget this guy even existed and broke off our relationship. We knew we were meant for each other so after months of waiting and asking, my dad let us start dating again but of course we had to promise times ten to stick to the rules… No touching, not even holding hands until the wedding date. It was really hard because our relationship wasn’t like that before. But we were desperate to get married so we obeyed the rules … We waited until we were married for actual sex… There was so much guilt around our relationship because we were terrible sinners and then had to prove that we were worthy of people’s trust.
I so want to do it right my kids… I don’t want to messing around but I want to approach it from a different standpoint… Not that hell fire will strike you down if you like a boy… I am still confused on how to work this out because it is obvious from the comments that parents have so much to do with whether this is a bad experience or not. There has to be a middle ground? A positive approach?
So I’m glad I waited but I don’t appreciate the method that was used to scare me away… End of long comment! :)
Yes. There HAS to be a middle ground. There has to be. The two extremes are just not reasonable.
Alright. I’m back to attempt this comment again.
There’s a professor where Steve works who advocates for sex before marriage. He doesn’t quite publicize it in class (YOU’RE FIRED) but, if you get into meaningful discussions on sexuality, it comes out. He says do it. Basically, he’s seen too many Christians get married TO have sex. And, surprise, they shouldn’t have been married in the first place.
I won’t say I go that far. But, I get his point. If you’re getting married for that reason… yes, yes, yes. Just do it.
I have a pretty healthy view of sexuality (I think. But Steve’s said so too.). I’m not sure what I owe this to or how to duplicate it in my own kids. My Mom certainly wanted her daughters to wait until we were married. But, it wasn’t so taboo, it wasn’t so mysterious. I like to talk about it and I don’t believe it belongs only in the bedroom with the lights off. (Your next blog post: Is sex in public worth it?) But, ideally do I want them to wait until they’re married? I think so. But I really want them to be HAPPY waiting until they’re married. I guess if they’re waiting because of guilt or fear, that misses the mark completely.
Okay, I could go on. I loved this post, Kate. Your blog is one of my favorites.
Bridget – You could write an entire spin-off post on this topic on your own blog. It would be titled: Is Sex Worth the Wait When Your Fiance is a Lonely/Hot Professor Widower?
Seriously though, I’m not asking you to share your personal shiz. But THERE’S an interesting topic. Am I right?
And now I have my next blog post! Thanks Erin! :)
Hey I’m just here to help.
Obviously I love everything about this.
I didn’t wait, it never even crossed my mind to wait. I knew my parents didn’t wait, but that didn’t really matter to my decision making process. It was more that I just wanted to know what sex was! I gave it up at 15, and didn’t meet my husband until I was 24. So along the way I dated and had sex with people, but the more I had sex the more it didn’t seem like that big of a deal. And then I met my husband, and I wish that he had been the only man I had ever been with because it is so different when you’re really in love and not just having sex. The worst is that I’ve had more partners than him, and i feel luke that must hurt him in some way. I think I will tell my kids that you never know where life will take you and who is out there waiting for you. Maybe even play up the pregnancy card and scare them into thinking about if they accidentally get pregnant… Do you really want this man’s baby?! That’s what kind of changed my thoughts on the situation.
Thanks for sharing your story! I had to laugh at “Do you really want this man’s baby?!” I read that one out loud to Austin. We laughed. That seems like a great tactic.
I also grew up in a private school and was shamed and terrified into believing that I was going to live a miserable life if I did not wait for my prince charming. While Sean and I DID wait (three years of dating) for marriage and I do not regret it at all, I question what I will tell my own children. Or maybe I question how. I still believe that it is a wise decision to wait and that, for us at least, if felt worth it. I loved knowing that Sean was marrying me because he loved me deeply and because he wanted the marriage – what a compliment for him to not even know what I’m like in bed and commit the rest of his life to me. I also felt that it leaves a lot of complications out of relationships. Once you start shacking up, I think the mood can change immensely. It made marriage feel like a very special new step for us.
I mostly want to be more open and realistic with my kids instead of using the terror tactic. I want to not feel like their or my life is over should they choose to sleep with someone before they marry them – because that is how it was proposed to me in my culture (not by my parents, because they didn’t really talk about it.) Mostly I just feel regret when I see high school kids sleeping around. They are so damn young and unsure and, honestly, STUPIDLY incapable of making good decisions about anything, much less whether or not they should be (or WITH WHOM they should be) sleeping around. I hope I can help my kids avoid making decisions they’ll later regret while still maintaining a principle of love and acceptance to them.
High school is WAY too young. I can’t imagine my high school self being capable of handling that.
Thanks for linking up and sharing your blog post. It’s a good one.
Wow. Fascinating comment stream. Like so many other here I grew up with the virgin / whore dichotomy. Like so many others here, it really f*ed with my conception of sex, marriage, and female-male relationships. I had sex when I was 26! bc my good Christian boyfriend from my evangelical college broke my heart and walked away with every once of dignity I had, but hell – at least he left me with my virginity, right. Something inside me changed deeply through that heartbreak. I recognized that there was a lot more at stake in relationships that a hymen (how’s that spelled?). I slept with a good friend the next summer. I thought I’d probably never get married. He lived oceans away – permanently. I knew I could protect my heart from over attachment. I’m glad I did it. The stigma was gone. my mom coins out though and tried to lay on the guilt. Amazing how fixated everyone is on sex vs, say, vicious gossip.
I’m married to a wonderful man, whom I met at age 28. He was so relieved I wasnt a virgin. In contrast to everything I was ever told, we have an amazing relationship.
What will I tell my son?
1. It is wrong and harmful to your soul and to others to objectify people. The anti-heart of God. The definition of evil. Guard against this.
2. Don’t get a girl pregnant bc I will march your ass down the court house myself and make you own up to fatherhood if you won’t. You’ll get a job to support your family, and if you don’t live with your baby, I’ll wake you up every hour with an ear piercing scream so that youre sure to get the newborn experience.
3. Please wear a condom bc we know too many people with HIV. Please. Please.
4. Sex is awkward, weird and not fun sometimes. But it can be the most amazing thing in the world if you love someone deeply and if it’s the right time. So don’t ruin it for yourself just bc you’re a horny 15, really.
5. For God’s sake, if you are thinking of proposing bc you want to have sex, please please just have sex. Please. There is nothing that will ruin your life faster than the wrong marriage for the wrong reasons.
Love this. I will tell my son the same things. Screaming in his ear every hour is brilliant, God forbid this happen, but if it does I’m stealing your idea!
I love these 5 points. I read them to Austin in the dark at 1am. We laughed.
“I’ll wake you up every hour with an ear piercing scream so that youre sure to get the newborn experience.” HAH
The most genious comment & philosophy ever! Seriously, saving and using for future reference (except to a daughter).
I wanted to jump in on this subject. I’m a Christian and was taught to wait for marriage…but not because God was mad at you. Waiting was, and is, mostly because God made sex beautiful and healthy. If we have it too soon or before marriage, it can toy with your emotions (and obviously do several other things). It’s kind of like two trees being next to each other and their roots being completely entangled…sex before marriage is like that. Once you have it, it’s hard to break apart from the person (even if your not supposed to be with him or her). I’ve seen sex before marriage be much more detrimental in peoples lives than beneficial. I know God is merciful and He can turn sex before marriage into a lesson of learning the power of His grace. I was a virgin when I got married, however, we struggled in other areas before marriage. I kept trying to tell him why I don’t want to compromise but he didn’t understand me. He’s 10 years older than I, so he’s had more experience as well. I want to share that after those moments of compromising sexually, I would repent and realize how God’s grace and forgiveness is SO much stronger than my weaknesses and failures. I did NOT want to abuse His grace, but I stumbled several times in the compromise-area. The truth is, I was VERY close in my relationship with God, but after compromising in other areas besides having sex, I can honestly say that my closeness with God was pulling away. Although I understood the power of His grace much more, I did not hear His voice as much as I used to. It was like a wall between God and I was thickening…and it wasn’t because of guilt. It was simply because that’s what happens when we sin. Sin affects us and affects our walk with God. At one point in my life, I NEVER thought I would compromise. People around me would say the same thing about me. I was very close to the Lord, and still am…but not as close as I used to be. But, the experience dating my husband was different. I was HUMBLED because I fell into compromise…I was HUMBLED because I never thought I’d be “one of those people” to compromise. However, now I see a big difference between Christians who calls themselves Christians but who deliberately do whatever they want, regardless of the circumstances…and then Christians who are honestly trying to do the right thing because they love God but are struggling. I was in category 2. To sum my point up, sex is meant for marriage…it’s meant to figured out after marriage. It’s plain Bible. There are reasons why God made it that way. Sex is healthy and beautiful. It’s great to talk about before marriage. Hopefully we can find the balance between teaching our kids to walk in God’s ways and speaking healthy and openly about it was well. God bless :D
Thanks for sharing your journey!
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I read every comment to make sure I had something original to say :) I’m a former sex education teacher and I guess I’m pretty cool because my students seriously tell me. . . too much. Here is what I know: Sex in high school ruins lives. I teach abstinence because I have to (state law where I live) but also because there just isn’t any safe sex in high school. I believe in waiting until marriage, but that’s my religion talking. If I could separate that from what I want to tell my students I would say: At least wait until you’re old enough to understand how life altering this is. That age? I have no idea, but its for sure not before 18. I tell them that (especially for a woman) life is hard as a sexually active person. Hormonal birth control? Makes me sick and MEAN. Condoms? Take all the fun out of it and still aren’t 100%. Pregnancy? Its so hard on your body (but worth it!!) Its hard to be sexually active for me and I’m MARRIED, just don’t put this pressure on yourself at this stage of life. My students that have had babies. . . they’re too wrapped up in their own relationships to give the attention and love that a new baby deserves. My favorite quote on the subject is from Yours Mine and Ours and I always show it to my students: “It’s giving life that counts. Until you’re ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won’t keep it turning. Life isn’t a love in, it’s the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and… ground round instead of roast beef. And I’ll tell you something else: it isn’t going to a bed with a man that proves you’re in love with him; it’s getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.” And I guess you can be committed to someone with out marriage, I just know that was the level of commitment I needed to be comfortable and feel safe.
I love this. All of it. Thank you.
It’s interesting how most people who waited are glad they didn’t share sex with someone else, and most people who didn’t wait don’t seem too worried that they gave up something forever to someone they did not spend the rest of their lives with. The things we tell ourselves to feel good about the decisions we’ve made.
As for me and Natalie, we waited—technically—you know what I mean. I’m pretty sure that was the right decision for her, but for me I’m not so sure. Even now, 10 years later, I think I might have been better off if I had just had sex rather than agonizing through the wait. The problem I see with encouraging waiting is that so much emphasis, often terrible enforcement and reinforcement of fear and shame, goes into building a case for waiting. This is not healthy.
What will I tell my kids? I don’t know. My parents were super cool and open about it, but I still got all the fear and shame from church and school…and church. I want to be open and honest like my parents were, maybe more. I don’t want my kids to think that sex is some forbidden or magical thing—to cause all kinds of guilt and shame or blow their expectations way beyond reality. I also want them to understand (at the ripe age of 14) that sex can result in very real and serious consequences. Consequences that can be wonderful and exciting when you’re married, but not so much before then. Most practically, you may get pregnant if you’re not careful (or even if you are). Are you ready to be a parent at 15? I doubt it. But I also doubt that I was able to understand such sage advice at 14. Or 15. Just telling them to wait would be so much simpler.
I’d hope my kids will have learned to be confident in their decisions by the time they get to decide to wait (or not). I want them to understand that there is no one right way to do it. I want them to know that they will be forgiven when, not if, they mess up. And I hope like crazy that I can model that for them, and forgive them when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Candis Jones said it better. I agree with her.
Right on, Daniel. Right on.
I just stumbled upon this blog and love this post. What an amazing and needed discussion! I am not married, but I have had sex, even though I grew up in an abstinence-only community. I was in my mid-20s when I first had sex and I knew I was ready when I was willing to accept all the consequences that could potentially come from having sex — heartbreak, pregnancy, health problems, disapproving parents/community. I don’t regret my decision at all and I guess that’s how I will try to teach my kids.
As someone who has seen people get married just to have sex, I think it is important to clarify that sex isn’t special in marriage because it’s in marriage…it’s special because the relationship is special. And, hopefully, it will be just one of many parts of the relationship that will be special (heck, sometimes just eating dinner with my boyfriend can be more special than I had ever imagined it could be).
Thanks, Kate, for such a thought-provoking post, and thanks community for such a thought-provoking discussion!
I lost my virginity to a boyfriend in high school when I was 17. We went to the same boarding school and I think living away from home at that time in my life allowed me to mature (slightly!) in a different way than I think I would have had I stayed at home. Anyway. I’ve never regretted it. He was a great guy and a great boyfriend and our sex life was, wait for it, great. I never grew up planning to wait till marriage, nor was there any expectation from anyone in my life that I would. I can honestly say that I also have no expectation that my son or any other children I might have will wait.
I believe that sex is special but I also believe that is fun and incredibly liberating. I believe that having a healthy sexual identity and a fulfilling sex life is very important, and that sexual experiences are incredibly formative. For that reason, I am glad my husband wasn’t my first (or my second, third, or fourth!) and that I wasn’t his. I honestly don’t think we would be the same people nor have the same approach to sex that we do.
Thanks for this post – very thought-provoking!
I haven’t thought about sex too much in relation to my kids’ choices. What I’m worried about is protecting them from potential abusers. I guess I think that I can give them good, healthy vibes about sex in marriage because my husband and I are happy and confident, but I WORRY because they’re so little and vulnerable and somebody could hurt them in a sexual way and screw up their lives forever. I have friends like that.
Anyway, more on topic: there was a point in college when I wanted to have sex with a hot guy and we were definitely going in that direction, but his roommate needed the room to study that night!! And much later I asked the hot guy why he didn’t persist and he said he knew he couldn’t live up to my expectations, meaning I wasn’t the one-night-stand kind of girl. And he was right. I ended up waiting until marriage to have sex. It became a matter of trust for my fiance and me, to wait. We don’t regret it at all.
http://m.guardiannews.com/ms/p/gnm/us/view.m?id=15&gid=/commentisfree/2012/sep/24/moral-case-for-sex-before-marriage&cat=commentisfree#.UGG628oHHVM.mailto Did you read this one? Thought of you instantly.
It’s scandalously titled “The Moral Case for Sex Before Marriage” – and frankly, makes some really, really important points regardless of where you might fall out in the end on this particular discussion.
Love this article!! Thanks for sharing.
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I dont really have the legitimacy to be commentating on this the way the rest of you do. I am 17 girl (unfortunately, the girl part makes a big difference), my parents were no sex before marriage. It is a subject never discussed in our household,it is very negative and awkward,. I went round a friends house whose parents were joking with about having to get his bed fixed as it was making to much noise and it broke my heart. Sex is a positive thing. I have never felt worse about about myself for all the agonizing over the fact. Despite having a very the healthy relationship with a very sensible person, and being mature and smart about it, and being completely aware of who I am, I will probably never reach that stage with him due to the ‘fornication’ rant I was given growing up. It screwed up the very core of who I am and my views that are not in fact my own but brainwashing of others. I just wanted to put a teenagers perspective out there.
Thanks jay!
I seriously appreciate the open conversation with strangers; its refreshing.
I think any time a “moral standard” is placed on someone that doesn’t hold tight to it themselves it works poorly.
Many of the above comments are from people growing up in homes where abstinence was stressed. It seems that it was more an external boundary rather than an internal desire; it acted as an electric fence — nothing in you wants to remain in the boundaries, but the fence prohibits you venturing further.
I think that most things involving morality work best with personal conviction and motivation. I hope that one day I can express this to my children, but more than that, that they can express it to me. Its then I know that it is truly there’s.
I don’t want them to resent the fence, like somehow it is robbing them. I just hope that they can decide it’s safe to stay even if the boundary isn’t there.
oops..theirs… :) not there’s