When I first met Austin he was a graphic designer. He was working the night shift at a big company creating ads for a coupon book. It was not glamorous but it paid the bills and he was satisfied. A year later we both changed jobs and ended up working for the same non profit. I was in the executive suite and he was their sole graphic designer. It was a pretty good gig; full creative control and paid classes to improve web design.
Soon after our job change we got engaged. I was happy, he was happy. We looked at houses and made a half-hearted attempt at planning for the future. Mostly I just wanted to stop hiding the fact that we were basically living together and bunk up already. My head was not in the next 30 years but in the coming May.
Then things changed.
Early that spring something started to grow in Austin’s brain, kind of like a tumor. A little tumor that said, “I can’t do graphic design for the next 30 years.” It was weird. Finally he confessed it one rainy afternoon in April, a month before our nuptials. Basically he said, “Would you mind if I was a doctor?”
My first guttural reaction was an overwhelming YES PLEASE. My mind flashed to a big house, a big yard, and being able to stay at home with our kids. Financial security? I’ll take it.
Ten minutes later, after a conversation about the logistics of actually becoming a doctor, I wasn’t so sure. 20 minutes later I was trying my hardest to find a different route. What about a physician’s assistant? A nurse practitioner? What if you just worked at the hospital, like a receptionist? What if you just stayed a graphic designer and volunteered in a clinic on the side?
I was desperate because I realized if he went to medical school, our life as we knew it was over. It would mean quitting our jobs, moving to Virginia, finishing prerequisites, studying for the MCAT, paying for the MCAT, applications, application fees, moving, moving again, interviews, more interviews, waiting, rejection, not buying a house, not having money, not having freedom, moving again, moving away from our friends, going further into debt, and renting for the next decade. It would mean our cozy little life in the city was coming to an end.
And so it did. Three years later and here I sit with a 1 year old in the middle of a sleepy town while my husband studies all day, every day about intestines and flesh eating bacteria.
It’s not so bad, mostly it’s just different. Instead of 9-5, it’s as soon as he can wake up until he’s too tired to study anymore. Instead of TGIF! it’s “How much can I expect to see you this weekend?” Instead of, “Honey, I wonder if you’re dilated!” it’s “Can you please lie down? I need to practice feeling the inside of a vagina.”
Just last night I was complaining about a weirdo ingrown hair on my leg and it wasn’t a minute later before I was half passed out while he operated on me with a dull knife. LEAVE ME ALONE.
It’s a long road, one that many of us are on being married to a student. With the decrease in jobs and an increase in 20 somethings with nothing to do, graduate students are becoming as common as mason jars at weddings. They’re everywhere.
Being married to a student means sacrifice. It means waiting. It means patience when they’re still not home at 10 and understanding when they need to leave a party early to study. It means not freaking out when the bank account reaches absolute zero or when they forget to plan something for your anniversary because it’s test week. For us, it means 3 more years of school and then 3-6 more years of residency. It means living on loans and government help and not buying that dress at Target. It means a lot of time alone.
It also means sucking it up and realizing a lot of people are married to other people with hard jobs. Farmers work long hours, business owners work long hours, investment dealers work long hours (probably?), lots of people work long hours, odd hours, and hard hours. You know the mantra, we all have our crosses to bear. I don’t need to tell you.
Truthfully, most of the time I keep my mouth shut about Austin being in med school. Otherwise I run the risk of hearing, “Doctor? You guys will be rolling in it someday.” Which always prompts an unnecessary conversation where I overexplain our current debt situation and how we probably won’t have any sort of money until we’re in our mid forties. More importantly, anyone in medical school (or any grad school) knows that if you’re doing it for the money, you’ll never make it. The energy spent to dollars made ratio just isn’t worth it.
What about you? Did you marry a student? Are a student? Does your lover work long hours or weird hours or come home in the middle of the night smelling like another person’s blood? (This hasn’t actually ever happened). How do you make it work?
***
Mine comes home in the middle of the night reeking of corn silage and tractor exhaust (at this time of the year, anyway). I’ve been loving the rain because it means…he’s home for supper! He helps put kids to bed! I have an adult to converse with!
Supper, kids to bed, adult conversation…all necessary.
My husband is in his last year of law school. So ready for this to be OVER.
I’ve been a college student since 2003. I hate it! I actually took off when Caleb was born 2 years ago and now i’m getting the questions about going back. My Hub has been in sales forever and his hours are all over the place. It is so difficult to plan anything because when he says he is coming home and when he actually does can be two different things. Just know that it won’t be forever.
The time between the alleged time of coming home and the actual time coming home always seems so long, even if it’s only 5 minutes. Kids will do that.
Ahh this is almost my exact situation. My husband is in his third year of dental school, we moved to WV from Arizona (where I am from) so that he could get his (2 year) masters degree first so that he could get into dental school in the first place. We live off loans loans loans, and because we live far from family I can’t really have a “normal job” because it wouldn’t make sense financially to pay someone to watch our boy compared to the amount of money I would make in this college town. We have a 22 month old little boy and are expecting another around New Year’s. Yikes! I don’t know how we are making it work, but we are. Most times at the end of the semester one or both of us are in tears wondering when the loans will be deposited next. He’s almost done, just one more year unless he wants to specialize. Just know you are not ALONE!
Yep, that’s also why I don’t have a job outside the house. It wouldn’t make any sense!
Living off loans is the pits. We had to borrow money from my parents at the end of the summer. Never fun to borrow money from family, ever.
Glad to know we’re not alone.
My fiancé and I are both in graduate school for different things (environmental science and English). It’s pretty annoying. But there are perks. Dumpster diving anyone? Also we have off on major holidays!! …to study.
Being on a school schedule is kind of fun sometimes. Do you have summers off? Med school has the first summer off. We called it the summer of living.
Steve has time, and a good chunk of it (summers off, yeehaw!) but what I sometimes wish is that he had an office job where he could LEAVE IT BEHIND. There’s a lot he can do at home. Answering students’ emails, preparing tests, figuring out what he’s doing in class. So, a lot of working from home too, which, I’m not the hugest fan of. But, Shannon definitely got through the worst of it with him when he was a grad and then PhD student and they had two young kids.
The vagina thing. Ha.
Whenever you talk about Shannon, it cuts me straight to the heart. Not sure why.
I’ve heard that’s the thing about teachers. Nice schedule, but the work is never done.
I married a non-student who became a student 6 months ago. He lost his job last November and decided to go back to school and find another full time job. Currently he is working 60 + hours a week and is about to attempt about 12 credits (all online). You’re right the weekends will be, when will I see you. Time management will be interesting especially with an almost 2 year old and baby #2 on the way. What keeps us going is that this life isn’t that different than his old job and there is some benefit at the end of it all.
A 2 year old and one on the way? You can do it mama. You’ve got the strength.
My husband used to crawl into bed four to five hours after me, smelling of fried chicken. There were some weird dreams in that phase of life.
hahaha
mmm, chicken.
Nate is in his last year of Doctoral school and it’s been a long long road. We both have never completely been out of school. Long hours of dissertation writing with a committee of assholes who don’t really want you (him) to graduate because they love your money. It’s endless battle, but maybe just maybe we can escape it this year. Hang in there – you will escape it too!
Nate never came home smelling of blood but instead covered in a resident’s blood after forcing this kid to the floor to stop him from literally scratching his face off. He was already half way there, hence the blood all over Nate…those pants went straight into the trash as I gagged. ohh the things we do in grad school. It’s a wonder we make it out alive.
You guys are a power couple….and so brave! I’m proud of you. Look how much you’ve accomplished. Almost there.
PS: Sorry about the bloody pants.
Oh I can so relate. My husband is in finance & while the new job offers better hours at moment, he was working 80-90 hours a week our first 18 months of marriage & never far from the blackberry on vacation. That translates to never being home for dinner, rarely being home before 1am, & working most weekends. I moved to London to join him 5 days after we were married in Maine & six months ago we moved to the Chicago area. The job he has now is a two year position, so odds are we’ll be relocating again in another year or so. We don’t have kids (yet) so that makes it a little easier. At least when you have yourself a doctor you can rest assure that he is helping people, even saving lives (one vagina at a time)…I’m extremely proud of how hard my husband works but don’t think I’ll ever be able to make that statement.
Oh Annie. That’s a lot. A whole lot. I’m glad he’s working better hours now. The fact that you’re still together and going strong is a testament to the strength of your relationship. Keep on keeping on.
Good for you guys for doing what you have to/want to do even though it is hard. I start grad school tonight (ahh!) and my husband works crazy hours, either 6a-2p, 2p-10p, or 10p-6a. I never know which way is up! It stinks not having time off together, and when we do I am studying for school, or he is working on licenses that he needs. It gets tough, but I think it makes our relationship stronger in ways, don’t know if you agree or not? We will cherish our time together when we have it because we know what it’s like to not have it.
Kind of like this: I always wanted a soap dish in my shower, and our first place had one. It collected water and was hard to clean, and I don’t even use bar soap! Now I know in this house, I didn’t want one. Learn as you go, that sorta thing.
TONIGHT! Wow Laura. You are doing it. Congrats! I know how much it takes just to MAKE it to grad school in the first place. You rock.
Agree, learn as you go!
I was that student…my husband was you. We had to wait on everything, getting married, buying a house, having a baby. But it all worked out. Our bank account still reaches the zero mark, we don’t have much to live on, but we make it work. Why you ask? My student loans are a bitch. Over 200K.
Was it worth it? In a sense yes. But my profession (clinical psychologist) doesn’t pay enough to keep up with how much loans cost. Yes, it was my decision, but still. Just sucks when you want to do something so badly that you have to sacrifice so much.
On the upside my friend just completed her residency. She’s a surgeon and is now making a very VERY good salary. So it’s worth it. Just have to ride it out.
Now, if my husband wanted to go back to school? I think I’d puke. I can’t deal with anymore student loans.
Ah, the life of a surgeon. I can only hope he picks something so glamorous (he’s not) (terrible hours anyway!). But I hear you, those loans are getting higher and higher and higher. I heard “half a million” the other day. I’m pretending I didn’t hear it.
PS: Way to go pursuing your dream despite the cost of it (money, time, energy). You rock.
Oh man I totally relate to this post… I’m in grad school right now and my husband will be starting grad school in a year or so when he finishes his bachelors. We’re in it for the long haul… as soon as I’m done he’ll start, and there we’ll be for probably 8 more years while he gets his PhD and Post Doc… it makes me pretty nervous, but I just have to hang on to the fact that people survive this, and so will we. :)
Never would have done this unless we found other people who did it and survived (we did). Take heart. We’re in it together.
Oh schooling- it never ends. I am a 6th year graduate student in a PhD program. I had planned on finishing before my son arrived, but he came 2 months early so all that planning just went right out the window when he came in the middle of an experiment. Hopefully I will finish this year, but then I have to find a postdoc position before I finding a “real” job. My family and friends who don’t understand graduate school automatically think that the number of years you have gone to school is somewhat equivalent to the salary you will make. They don’t understand that it will be another 4 years before I make a salary remotely close to what they already earn. To make matters worse, my husband works second shift (2-10) so while we were able to coordinate our schedules for child care, it basically means we never see each other. You’re right though; everyone has their cross to bear and what’s important is that you have a good support system and you are able to do what you love. Not many people can say that..
It’s hard when family and friends don’t quite get the timeline. I always struggle with the urge to correct them or to just let it go.
Doing what you love, that’s huge. Proud of you.
My hubs JUST graduated with his Master’s in Library and Information Science (will we be rolling in it?- never!). It was a tough 2 years. He worked full time and then came home and studied a ton. I worked until our baby was born, but ever since then we’ve been *trying* to get by on his income and it is the pits. Now the question is- can he even get a job with his new Master’s degree?
Master’s In Library and Information Science. At least it sounds amazing? That’s the curse sometimes. Pursuing something you love despite not being able to easily use it to get a sustainable career. The thing is, would he have been happy doing something else? Probably not. Worth it.
I hope he finds something soon.
Blergh. I hear ya, sister. My husband is a submarine officer. He’s deployed 75% of the time and when he’s home, he works ridiculous hours. I’m always tricked into being excited when he’s not under water because HE’S HOME! But then it’s, Will he be home for dinner? Should I keep the baby up so he can see him for a minute? Should I wake the baby up even though it’s 11:30pm since they haven’t seen each other all week? Should we even make plans this weekend or are you going to have to work unexpectedly?
Basically, it sucks. Sometimes it’s easier when he’s gone because at least I can predict that and I’m not just waiting on him all day long.
But like you said, everyone has their cross to bear and mine is not the only husband who is never around. I just try to remind myself that it’s harder on him to be away all the time and I’m thankful for a man who makes those kinds of sacrifices for us.
The waiting game. The question game. Thee worst. I hear you.
Proud of you and your husband. Sacrifice.
My stepson went the doctor route. The debt is crushing – 300k. He studied all the time, missing family gatherings and dinners, even though we knew he desperately needed a home-cooked meal, drove castoff cars that were always on their last legs. Through sheer grit and determination, he survived med school with the highest grades, enough to allow him to have his choice of specialties. He chose dermatology, because let’s face it, you don’t have to mess with insurance companies. It’s largely a cash business. Thankfully he will be doing his residency at MS Hershey Medical Center under Dr. Neves, a wonderful, caring doctor. Now that med school is behind him, he’s doing his internship in Newport News, VA, and will be marrying next June. Life is awaiting him at the end of this tunnel!
Hang tough, and don’t worry about the student loans. It is what it is. You are investing in him, and there is no better investment on the planet. While he’s studying with every last ounce of energy, you are making a home for him, seeing that he’s fed and clothed, and showering him with love. You are the wind beneath his wings, and every bit as important to him and his success. Remember, that which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Roar like a Tiger! ;-)
TIGER.
I’ve totally met Dr. Neves. Holler Hershey!
My mouth is still hanging open at the word “dermatology.” Wow. That’s truly amazing. A really hard specialty to get into! But you’re right, what a payoff.
I’m going to pretend I didn’t see 300k.
My husband and his brother fun their own import auto service and repair shop in town. Most days the hours are pretty predictable, but others it’s “work till we’re done” mentality. On top of that, they’re currently remodeling the shop to bring in more customers so were not just scraping by every month. It’s nice to actually get some extra cash to save, but that means they work almost every Saturday until who-knows-when to get the shop in shape. I’m just praying that they’ll be done with that before our first baby arrives in February.
Baby changes everything, including your need for adult interaction on the regular.
I love this. My husband is in Nuclear Medicine, which is just a specialized ceritificate. When we were engaged/newlyweds, he decided to get his bachelor’s online. He was finished and the plan was to go on to PA school, but he decided school wasn’t for him. I know he regrets it from time to time, but that is his choice. I just finished my master’s and chose to do it because I was interested in the topic. Teaching at a Catholic school, I don’t get a nice pay increase like public school teachers do. It was something that I wanted to do. Now my husband wants to get his MBA at some point. We keep rotating who is in school, which is fine. I consider it being a great example for our children.
My BIL is a doctor. I about threw up when he told me how much he has in student loan debt. I agree, doctor doesn’t mean “rich”. I commend you for your honesty and being able to run a household while your husband chases his dreams. Shows how selfless of a person you are!
Thanks Lindsey.
Definitely a great example for the kids.
To give you a shred of hope… there is life after school. Daniel and I were married the summer before his senior year of college. I moved to TX with him for the year with less than $1,000 to our name, a car that would bite the dust w/in that year and many, many, many thousands of dollars in debt. I worked crazy hours – doing all the jobs I said I was never do (cleaning houses, giving piano lessons, daycare) – trying to put food on the table. We even hung clothesline in our bedroom – stringing it across the bed – to dry our clothes when we couldn’t hang them outside b/c we didn’t want to pay to use the dryer. And of course he studied like a madman. Did we ever go to bed together that first year of marriage?
After he graduated we lived like refugees trying to pay down school & car debt plus save up a down payment for a house. It all happened in time. We now see each other many evenings a week and get to spend a lot of the weekend together. Now we leave a party early because of the kids, not studying. And each fall we talk about how it’s so wonderful not to have to think about going back to school. You obviously have a much longer road than 1 year, but take heart – you’ll make it. We actually look back at that first year as one of the best and most fun because of all the students/friends we got to interact with on a day-to-day basis. Hope you can find some good things about it too.
There are so many good things. A circle of med school wives being one of the best. It’s like a little commune. We watch each other’s babies and cook each other meals. Necessary.
Thanks for sharing, Nat! Living like refugees…ha!
I married a resident director. You know the beloved RD everyone had in college. We moved six states away from friends and family and he works like crazy, he also decided to go to grad school! Joy! We live in a residence hall with 400 seniors who drink and party Thursday through Sunday. The worst neighbors ever. We’re trying to have a baby and have already lived through a miscarriage. And he informed me this Tuesday, he is on call all of Christmas week. I needed this post today. It’s easy to think you’ve got the worst situation ever sometimes. Thank you!
Worst neighbors ever.
Thinking of you, Brittany. Thanks for venting.
Married to a student, for now. My husband just started grad school to get his Master’s, then he wants to get his Doctors, then he wants to be a professor. Life time student is what he really is I guess. It has been an adjustment because since I was pregnant he did most of the cooking and cleaning around the house. Now it is up to me. But thankfully I have some good mom friends near me and we try to do dinner and one of our houses each week. Because being alone with my child all day long for several days in a row is just not cool. My husband doesn’t get home until after bedtime, so I just need some adult interaction.
Lifetime student! Rock on.
I’ve really learned to lean on others this past year. It’s hard to do that sometimes, to let go of my pride and say “I need help” or “I just need you to come over and have an adult conversation.” Life saver.
I am a middle school teacher with a husband and a 3yr old. I just recently started my masters in secondary education. I am at school from 7am-4 or 4:30 daily. Now twice a week I am in grad classes from 4-8pm. I get home in time for my buddy’s bedtime! I didn’t think it would be that big of a change, but my son just got his drawing notebook and a pencil, crawled on the couch, and said that he was going to do work so he could “spend time with mommy!” About broke my heart! I know that my masters will be over soon, but it’s going to be hard with the amount of time required for assignments! This is nothing compared to what you guys are going through! My prayers are with you guys during this time!
No. That is a lot. But think about the example you’re setting…a mama working hard. Something to be proud of! Wow.
Of course you know now that every word of this rings true for me. It’s comforting to read my life on someone else’s blog and know I’m not alone! I can tell you like I did the other day that it does get better – even just as you get a better handle on med school life, and then residency lends more time for living and less time for studying (well, a LITTLE more time for living). I totally understand the irritation as people say, “Oh but he’s a DOCTOR. So you guys are going to be, like, RICH.” Sigh.
Such hope.
Thank you for that.
This post and the subsequent comments are some of the most encouraging things I’ve read. Thanks, KB. You wrote it out so accurately and succinctly. It’s tough. No doubt.
I got your back, B.
my hubby’s a crna and started grad school when babe #1 was 14 months and babe #2 was a few months away from being born. it was a LONG 2 years. but now we are 2 years into his crna career and it’s pretty great. he still has to work all night long sometimes and isn’t home for dinner sometimes but for the most part we are pretty darn lucky.
crna’s rock. What a great career choice! I’ve heard it’s tough, but look where you are now. Rock on.
Thank you. My husband just graduated law school and I have been feeling overwhelmed. We all have to keep on keeping on. I keep reminding him and myself that we have to enjoy the now because someday, even though it seems stressful/ overwhelming sometimes now, we will look back on this time and smile. Now is always the best time of our lives.
True, true words. Yes.
“as common as mason jars at weddings” – hahahaha
My husband got his masters after we were married – I held down the job in one city while he lived in another city at the university. It was weird, but ok (this was pre-kids). Then when he was done, we vowed we would NEVER go to grad school unless we had a rock-solid JOB lined up.
That’s a trend (living in different cities) I see growing with my peers. I couldn’t do it.
My husband and I are both med students, just at schools thousands of miles apart. We try and focus on why we’re doing it and take it one exam/break at a time. In a way, it’s nice because we’re both at the same place and understand the demands that come with med school. Plus we can tandem study on our skype “dates”.
But there are tons of moments where I question our choices. The day’s when I want to quit are the reason I visit your blog. It’s nice to be reminded that a lot of the challenges that come with toddlers would still be there even if I wasn’t in school. Family & friends are huge, and I’m so lucky that I go to school where I grew up. They keep me going, well that and the fact that between the two of us we’re 200k in debt and only halfway through! Hopefully one of us can transfer, but if not this whole process has got to build character right?
Whenever I want to complain, I need to think of your story. You guys are really strong to go through this and make it work. Way to go, Mama.
What I just wrote on FB: I’ve long had the tendency to look casually around me and assume most people were doing better than myself (re: that is, the tendency to look only at those I envied). It’s a personality flaw at best, and a serious failing and personal sin in actuality. This morning I was again reminded of the fact that I am a often whiny little ‘b’ who has blessings beyond measure. One might assume I had just opened up the newspaper and looked at coverage of Syria. Actually, it was this blog post by one of my favorite bloggists and the ensuing 52 (!) comments of commiseration and mutual encouragement: http://www.motelymama.com/2012/09/05/marrying-a-student/
I walked out to the kitchen and gave my newly-minted student husband a huge hug, kissed my precocious two year old, and gained some much needed perspective.
Love to you and your family. xo
Hi! I’m Leah, this is the first post that I’ve read of yours, and I instantly felt compelled to leave a little comment. I was married 4 weeks ago, yay! My husband is a civil engineer, his job rocks, good hours, good pay, etc, can’t complain. BUT his passion in life is hunting…I’ll tell ya, this guy can go without showering for 3 weeks if it means hunting elk, deer, big horn sheep. Luckily for us, hunting has a season so it’s only a portion of the year that he tends to be gone every weekend. But it’s hard, I don’t like hunting, I really enjoy hot showers, but I want him to be happy, so I say goodbye every weekend, so that he can do his thing, and when hunting season is over, he’s all mine again. Our lives are a choice between being happy and being grumpy when things don’t go your way, in the big picture, being happy should always win, even if it means saying goodbye every weekend, or sacrificing a handful of years with your head in the books. You guys will make it through this, just like I make it through hunting season.
Welcome, Leah!
Congrats on the nuptials.
Hunting? Welcome to my life. I, too, married a hunter. It’s all I hear about when it’s not about school. I dread November.
Out here we run September – December :) Best of luck to you, and it was way nice to meet you!
My fiance is in the military, so no debt, but annoying “hours” for sure. Right now he is doing a school in the wilderness that means we can only talk on the phone once every three weeks when he gets a short break to make a call. It’s rough.
But otherwise it’s like you said, it’s mostly just different. And hard to explain to people. I can totally relate to what you said about ending up over-explaining your situation to people, often well meaning ones, who frankly make ignorant comments. I guess we should all be more understanding and at the same time stop pretending we do understand each other’s lives, because most of the time we don’t.
Also, had a great convo with a friend this weekend after I told her about your blog on pooping post-labor, which terrified me since I don’t have kids. Annnd then she told me about having anal fissures herself. So thanks for cultivating that bonding moment, ha!
YES to bonding over fissures. It happens to me all the time. United we stand. Birth hurts.
My husband never went to college. But he married me – the student.
I have to know: did he really ask to practice on your vagina?
I know. So gross. But what was I to say? I mean, I really wanted to know if I was dilated. (He was wrong)
Austin cuts on your leg with a pocket knife?
He called it “gently scraping.”
Hi Kate. Your writing just speaks to me, girl. Not married, but in the “practically living together” phase with my man, who is finishing up his masters in accounting and also studying/taking the CPA exam. The latter is basically a year long process in four parts. The studying seems interminable, and multitasking, not so much his strong suit, shall I say. It’s just hard. Even without a baby, without shared bills. It’s hard to deal with the feeling of “when will be settled, when will things just flow?” The saying no to social events. The crankiness!! A huge positive is the relative stability of my job in social services/counseling, but even that is a crap shoot in these times, so I find myself wondering, ruminating my job disappearing by next year. It was really nice to read your words and not feel as alone and be reminded of blessings. As my mama says, “one day at a time, sweet Jesus.” Thanks for writing!
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