Has this ever happened to you: Someone is trying to describe another person, a person you’ve never met, and all it takes is one story and you’ve got the picture?
The other day my friend was telling me about her sister-in-law but was having a hard time finding the appropriate words to describe her. Finally she told a little story about a time when they went to a bridal shower together and her sister-in-law did not bring a gift. She claimed she didn’t have the money to buy things like bridal shower gifts, but later that day she spent 50 dollars getting her nails done.
I nodded along. Oh, one of those. But instead of being outraged at this tacky behavior, I panicked. How quickly this little story turned me against a person I’ve never met. How easily it lined up a host of other assumptions about a woman who might have just needed to get those nails done to feel pretty. And most importantly, what stories were people telling about me? What annoying behaviors of mine were being repeated in conversation?
I’ve always tried to be a very self aware person. I’ve tried to recognize my faults and own up to them even if they are unfixable. But the problem with being self aware is that you can never actually be all that self aware. Despite our best efforts, we are stuck inside ourselves. We can never be on the outside looking in.
In some of my darkest hours I imagine the terrible conversations people might have about me. I like to think it’s as simple as oh, she’s one of those mom bloggers or oh, she’s one of those who never has an umbrella when it’s raining (both true), but I know it’s probably not. I know it’s probably much worse and includes words like self-involved and overdramatic and eats too much cake. When I think about someone describing me to someone I’ve never met, I imagine it’s a lot like describing a poorly dressed sloth.
Do you want to know what kind of person I am? I’m the kind of person who is forever apologizing for her messy car but never does anything to fix it. I’m the kind of person who habitually oversleeps and pretends it’s just because I’m fighting a cold. I’m the kind of person who always brings boxed brownies to potlucks because it’s easy. I’m the kind of person who secretly wonders if the surprise party is actually for me.
I am the worst.
The good news is, I know you are too. I know that even if your hair is always combed and even if you always eat organic celery, you probably don’t brush your teeth long enough and secretly eat ice cream straight from the carton. I know you pee in the pool and fart in the car and don’t always recycle. I know you gossip. I know you forget to wash your hands on purpose. I know you watch The Jersey Shore.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.
***
Messy car, boxed brownie? That’s me. But those are my only faults. :) I religiously eat organic celery.
Thank the Lord.
I pick my nose in the car sometimes.
Oh totally.
I pick my nose in the car always.
I almost always recycle, but just yesterday I threw out moldy plastic containers b/c I didn’t have it in me to wash them. I felt super guilty. But not enough to man up and pull them out of the trash. Does it still count if you really really WANT to save Mother Earth?
Other flaws include but are not limited to wearing yesterday’s makeup, vacuuming less than once a quarter, and being impatient and unkind to my extremely patient and kind husband (in my defense, sometimes he just does not do things the right way :-/). Oh, and I’m the girl who needs to use emoticons to adequately communicate in a blog comment.
:D
I have thrown away containers. Don’t sweat it, B.
:-) ;-) :-0
Guilty on all counts. Especially the ice cream.
Turkey Hill has a new flavor called Deep, Dark, Chocolate. I had it for breakfast. So there’s that.
You’re also the kind of person whose first reaction to a story was to panic about how quickly it turned you against someone you’ve never met. And that’s pretty amazing.
Thanks. But you should really bring a bridal shower gift. I’m still kind of giving that chick the side-eye.
Oh, totally. I’m giving her the side-eye, and I’m only reading about her three times removed. Whoops.
i have no idea what you are talking about.
psssssssssssssssssphhhhhhhhhhht.
I am addicted to Real Housewives of New Jersey, I will eat the larger piece of brownie/cake/chocolate instead of giving it to my child, I often only shave the bottom part of my legs, I usually can’t WAIT until my children go to bed, and at the same time really, really, really dread the time when they grow up and move away.
Oh, and I also post anonymously when I am confessing my secrets in a blog comment :)
I love these confessions, Anon.
messy car that you never do anything about? totally me! i also second bridget’s comment that i sometimes pick my nose in the car, i blame my nose ring…ha.
i try to always bake something when i go to parties (i love to bake, but not to cook), but this past wkd i just didn’t have time and brought store brought (fancy) brownies, and people gave me flack for it! they were joking, but really ppl? ugh.
Don’t sweat it. Have you had homemade brownies? They are not any better. Swear.
Homemade brownies are the worst. I really mean that.
Too true about the labeling based on isolated incidents! And we all do it! I love this idea, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.” Religious or not, it’s true. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is the benefit of the doubt…
Seriousness aside, you kill me! You’re so freaking clever. Really. You make me laugh and think ALL THE TIME…and while I’m driving around today, I’ll think of you as I pick and flick (er, awkward, sorry…but possibly funny, you know, if we knew each other).
Never awkward. Pick and flick–I love it. I’m there girl, every day.
I loved this. Like I said before on one of your mothering posts, the world would be a better place if we all judged less and loved more… unless of course you write with lingo that includes DD, DS or DH, and then we must judge because that stuff makes no sense at all. :) We all have these quirks that make us unique and if we would be honest enough to admit them, we could all breathe a sigh of relief. For example, I was just reading an article about some 3 or 4 year old who has never seen a second of TV or watched anything in their little life. While I applaud the parent for their stellar entertaining skills, I want to die a little because my child isn’t even 2 and he adores Curious George. That can be our lifesaver in moments of insanity and the only reason I get a meal on the table most nights. While I do balance it with outdoor play and creativity, I do love me that little monkey who keeps my baby happy. :) We have to find what works for us… boxed brownies for you, Curious George for me. ;)
You are HILARIOUS! The end.
If you’re implying that I’m one of those women that is stress drinking lemonade straight from the carton and playing endless episodes of Sesame Street to make it to bedtime with a cranky toddler…well, that’s just crazy.
I can definitely relate. Messy car. Easy items at the potluck (there was a day when I was well known for bringing frozen spinach puffs that I heated up for a half hour in my oven). Also, self-involved and overdramatic. Guilty as charged.
Sometimes I use the bottom of the boys’ shirts to wipe their noses.
I’m also REALLY ashamed that sometimes, when the boys are already buckled in and I’m stressed and worn, I leave the shopping cart in the parking lot instead of returning it to the proper place.
i watch real housewives of… instead of the news.
wipe things (?) on my socks or my boys socks. gross.
love it!
I can’t relate to this post at all. Where do you think I got this name?
Well I’m the one making homemade brownies BUT I secretly love when people bring the mix ones to potlucks because I do love them.
Most of the time the 2-y-o runs around with no pants on (tho he’s usually diapered). The 4-y-o is lucky if her hair gets brushed. When hubby is away for the evening, I often don’t wash their feet or bathe them before putting them in bed. So yes, their sheets turn brown. Ew.
I clean the shower MAYbe once a month, more like two. I’m slightly better with the toilets but not much. Double eww.
These confession sessions are kind of fun.
I agree we shouldn’t judge. But we also shouldn’t let other people’s lousy behavior justify our own.
i stay updated on current events via twitter trending topics (and not even worldwide…just USA), which i occasionally glance at between reading tweets from snooki and former bachelor/ette cast members.
I didnt know its wrong to eat it right from the carton:(
I grew up in a small town, where everyone knows everything about everyone. And people talked. I was so naive that I never suspected that people could talk about me too. It’s not meanness, it’s just commenting on other people’s lives. I had a very hard time adjusting to that, but then I thought “let them talk, what do I care”. I try my best to figure out my faults and be a better person, I should try better not to comment on what other people do and be more understanding. But one can’t be perfect. Oh, and most mornings I don’t even comb my hair and I am too lazy to wear make up (lots of complaints on this side from my mom and boyfriend who think I don’t care enough for my look).
My personal opinion: should bring a bridal shower gift (however small! a box of one’s favorite tea is okay for those financially struggling! or a meaningful card!) *unless*:
a) one does not actually know the person involved but has somehow gotten dragged along as a friend/date
b) one knows the bride well and knows she doesn’t want any more stuff (it happens, truly)
c) life interfered (gift was in back seat; dog chewed it to pieces. Or, suddenly heard that already-purchased gift was culturally offensive. no time to get replacement gift. Or, forgot the shower was that date/time and barely made it out of the house.)
d) bridal shower will be full of scary higher-income judgy people who are more likely to notice and comment offensively on a comparatively “cheap” gift (if that’s all you can afford) during the great Present Opening than they are to notice that you who-they-don’t-know specifically didn’t bring a gift. (then, give bride the gift quietly later!) I say this mostly because I’ve been in friendship/acquaintance circles while on a student income (ramen and shared housing level) where the circles also included people with a household income over six figures, and my friends themselves were always nice about things that were handmade (for baby showers) or more on the level of one really-fancy-spatula (for bridal showers), as well as nice about gifts from others which would have entirely consumed my grocery budget for the month. But sometimes other people in attendance are… less nice… than your friend getting married.
And I would not have said “I couldn’t afford it” and then spent $50 on a manicure that afternoon. That is surreal to me. (unless maybe a job interview was the next day? Even so…)
Of course, there’s also a difference between stories about a person and *illustrative* stories about a person. The point of illustrative stories is that they do reflect someone’s salient character traits (in the opinion of the narrator, at least). So, they exist so that you can make those associations. Which is a good argument for always giving positive illustrative stories, maybe.
I do not eat organic celery.
I love reading your posts because I commonly think to myself, “wow. I never thought about it that way.” or something along those lines. Love your new short hair too, you do look like a celebrity in it.