I have always been afraid of toddlers; afraid of their screaming, their throwing, their hitting, their blatant disregard for your feelings. Babysitting since the age of 12 and nannying through my young adult years confirmed this over and over again. I loved the babies but dreaded the two year olds. Fussy newborn? No problem. Tantruming toddler? Throw me the car keys because I’m out of here.
I knew it would be different when it was my own, but would it be that different? Even in the days of pregnancy bliss I worried about toddlers. I pictured Austin leaving me every day in the middle of a giant, sticky mess with a noisy little boy ripping my house apart. I pictured crying and screaming and juice all over the floor. I pictured myself covered in crumbs.
Now that I’m here, it’s almost surreal. A parent of a toddler? Is this really me? I look in the mirror and find my hair disheveled and shirt stained with Popsicle. Is this who I’ve become? Am I in the trenches?
In this TED talk, Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman talk about the taboos inside the parenting bubble. In short, the things that parents are afraid to say out loud. Ranking in at #4 is that new parents are generally embarrassed to admit that their average happiness has declined since the birth of their first child, even though science and studies clearly shows that it does.
Here is a typical person’s average happiness over his/her lifespan:
According to the chart, I will not be happy again until I’m 50, wearing high-waisted jeans, and saying things like, “You go, girl!”
Pretty grim.
Luckily this graph only shows average happiness, which does not account for moment-to-moment experiences. According to Grisom and Volkman, this is what the chart would look like if you overlay these moment-to-moment experiences:
As you can see, there is a constant surge of emotions when raising a child, leveling off when the kids leave the nest. As Griscom puts it, “it’s almost as if age is a form of lithium.”
After our children are grown, our average happiness goes up, but we lose those transcendent moments.
I’ve heard that entering the toddler years is like entering the trenches; it’s the beginning of a long road, a battle between your sanity and the most irrational relationships you’ll ever be in. The highs are high, but the lows are low.
I guess I just didn’t expect it would be so soon.
It is widely disputed where toddlerhood begins and where infancy ends. Some say it’s when a child starts walking, others say it’s not until the ripe old age of two. I think it’s partly up to the child, but mostly about the parent’s level of denial. When Waylon threw his first tantrum he was barely walking and I knew it was the beginning of the end. At first I tried to ignore it, but the truth is he crawled early, walked early, and is entering the toddler years early.
It may sound like I’m bragging, but really I’m just asking for your sympathetic nods, your advice, and your resounding IT WILL GET BETTERs. Because even though I know that splashing in the toilet, throwing food, ripping pages out of books, and whining at my feet are not the behaviors of a sociopath, but the behaviors of normal child development, it’s still hard.
Entering the trenches of toddlerhood is a rite of passage in parenthood.
It’s when you realize that being a parent is a lot more like a frat party than a tea party. It’s loud, sticky, and there’s always a chance you might have to clean up vomit.
Good luck, self. Good luck.
***
That last picture: heartstab.
I watched that TED talk awhile back. John and I laughed so hard at that dip in overall happiness! But you know, I think it’ll be sort of sad to lose all those highs, to mellow out and turn kind of flat. What’s a writer to write about then?
Very true.
Mmmmhmmmm :) I feel like my blog is bi-polar sometimes. I LOVE BEING A MOM, MY KID IS THE BEST EVER and then OH MY GOSH I MIGHT DIE FROM TODDLER’VILLE. Because like you said in this post? It *is* filled with crazy intense highs, like I MADE this awesome little person, they are amazing. And then the low of low’s. Shoot me now. I can’t do this anymore-type thing. But then they do something amazingly cute and precious–high again. See? Bipolar.
Anyway. You can and will get through this. I believe I’m still in the trenches with 27 month old–but then again, I also fear I haven’t even hit it yet (since I hear 3 is worse). Either way, I think in general age 2 has been good to us. I fear 3…:)
Praying it’s not as bad as everyone says. You’ve got this, though.
Thanks Katie. Mom of toddler and a newborn! Warrior mom.
Ever since G started turning into a toddler, I have literally been pondering (and panicking over) the meaning of life. I wish I was kidding. I feel ya, girl.
Perhaps crazy, but I’ve loved James toddlerhood even more. He’s becomin his own little person and it’s fascinating to listen to and watch his personality develop. I’ve thought a lot about the happiness question bc these have been a crazy 2.7 years. Ultimately – I guess I think it’s the wrong question to ask. But perhaps I feel this way bc I spent all of my 20s single and abroad and then married but waited 3 years to get pregnant. I know I’m not missing out on something. And the early mornings, the poop everywhere, the tantrum on the q train between Brooklyn and manhattan all sen imminently worth it and even make me smile when I imagine my life as single or just childless stays quo. I’m also already looking forward go grandchildren!
Yes! Toddlers can be easier in a lot of ways too. Like feeding themselves? It’s brilliant.
Okay – realize I sounded really snotty. What I meant to say is that it strikes me as the wrong question (re: are you happier) because there are so many things that could mean and the one on the TED rubric would be an obvious ‘no’ to me (steady-on, general overall state, etc.). I’ve read a lot of childless friends debate having kids using this kind of data and it makes me a little sad. Having children doesn’t seem like something that’s going to graph well, if you know what I mean.
I agree with Heather. I think we’d all be happier if we stopped dwelling on how happy/unhappy we are or could be. This would apply to all walks of life, not just parenting :)
Mom always said to me to quit wishing my life away. I say that to myself a lot because I always think the next stage will be better or at least not quite as bad but there’s always something I wish was different.
I agree! I don’t think we should dwell on any random study that says our happiness is going to be lower when you have children. But I don’t think there’s any harm in saying toddlers can be difficult :)
Good luck to you and me both. Olivia (17 months) has gone to sleep easily her whole life. Lay her down awake with a pacifier and she’s good to go. The last two weeks have been a different story. Throw all four pacifiers over the edge of the crib, then scream, then scream louder when mom comes in to pick up pacifiers, then suddenly stop screaming and fall asleep. (of course I always have to go make sure she didn’t jump out of her crib and break her neck, that’s how suddenly her screams stop) Two years ago I knew I was pregnant with a baby, I just didn’t think about the fact that I would have to raise a KID.
I think babies are made to be so cute so that you keep having them, forgetting about what happens after.
Frat Party = Parenthood. Best analogy ever.
My daughter was such a hard baby that I’m praying toddlerhood is easier…..please God please.
I had the same prayer….
Sure, it gets better. But first it gets worse if you’re one of my kids. I’ll keep the cussing off your blog, but I think the terrible twos/threes have nothing on the f*&@king fours. You know what age is the best? SEVEN. {Not a Friends reference.}
I will say this: your child will never be as cute as when he is two. Two-year-olds are at the peak of adorableness…their little clothes, their longer baby hair, their squeaky voices…it’s all just too sweet.
I really like those graphs. I always say my kids made me crazy, and now I have scientific proof.
Sometimes I look at Waylon and think: You will never be as cute as this ever again. Perk.
Oh my goodness, THIS. I especially identify with the whole “the highs are highs but the lows are really LOW.” And tantrums here started at like ten months. Oh well. It’s not all bad. On the plus side, he’s become much more cuddly and I love that!
Cuddles make it all worth it. Usually.
A tactic I’m using that my mom used on me: James starts to throw a fit, and I say – Hey! Are you angry? (re: sub in here disappointed, etc.). I try to get him to state his feelings over and over and then to redirect the emotion. It works most of the time. When he’s set on throwing a fit, I say: Okay, you’re entitled to that emotion, but not everyone here wants or needs to listen to it. You may go to your bedroom to throw your fit. Or you may throw it in the bathroom (if we’re in a public place). If we’re on the subway, I say I will get off at the next stop (even if I’m late to work) and you can throw your fit in the corner because everyone on this train doesn’t need to hear your anger. This usually (usually) works with James. Of course, I think A LOT of this toddler tatics really come down to one’s own kid and how s/he responds.
I’m a big fan of this method. I already do it even though I don’t think he quite understands me yet. I am looking forward to the day when we can communicate a little bit better. But yes!
Last comment from me. I was super depressed pregnant, and super sad and anxious during James’ first six months (ala this post on NYTimes today: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/07/pregnant-depressed-and-surprised/?src=recg). I think that’s why toddler hood seems like a relief in some ways! :-)
Plus your body is finally recovered! (It took me a while)
My daughter is almost 18 months, so I’m hardly a veteran.
That said, the parenting author I most respect (a psychologist whose life’s work was studying the development of literally thousands of young children, in detail) says that the hardest period in parenting is 14-24 months, and that no matter what you do during this period, things will be difficult. However, if you parent correctly (largely by avoiding spoiling), things will significantly improve by age 2 (and will not again be as hard until adolescence).
I’m hoping he’s right!
I hope so too.
It is hard. My advice would be to try to surround yourself with some friends with equally active/strong/busy toddlers (especially boys!). I struggled a lot being with friends who had calm, mellow toddlers, and it made me feel like my kids were deviants. It helped me feel normal and not like a horrible parent when I realized there were other equally challenging (albeit, normal) toddlers like mine. SOLIDARITY!
You’re so right. Most of Waylon’s “friends” are mild girl babies. He definitely comes across as a crazy man, or as we call him “rambo” and triggers mild mom guilt.
Good advice.
Yes! We actually had to start hanging out with the boys for us to get some comraderie. Such great advice.
Especially after spending a week in Paris with my 2 year old nephew, I have to admit that this is what scares me most. That and this first PP poop you speak of. I need to know more about that, I don’t feel I’m adequately prepared…
Counter pressure in the front with a frozen pad.
Thank me later.
Well, it’s to late to go back, right? Only way out is forward.
We’re almost chest deep in the trenches now. I told my hubs the other day that my day would be so much easier if we didn’t have to walk to and from the car(we live in a condo) I almost die from frustration getting my toddler into the car and back into the house. Nevermind if I actually forget something and we have to do it all over again!
My advice? Enjoy this stage as much as you can (it really is fun). Put some good systems in place (like from your post the other day) and pray. A lot of times I just tell her, “mommy is really running low on patience right now so your options are to listen or be picked up and moved.” sometimes she actually gets it.
Also, in a couple of months he will start following directions(glory!!!)
P.S. I already send her to her room for tantrums. Not sure if this is good parenting or just a way to keep my sanity.
I think both (good parenting) (sanity saver). I actually do it too.
Usually I feel pretty good about dealing with a toddler, but then I usually am watching other kids so he is entertained. I have today off and holy moly is it a rough day. He is demanding and whining and impatient today. He has gotten spoiled with being around older kids this summer. It is making me rethink the additional children down the line and why I decided to become a parent. But I am sure tomorrow will be better, highs and lows right? Hang in there, the trenches can’t last forever. Also, try to steer clear of getting trench foot- meaning get out of the house and free time for yourself.
The other kids are such a help, right? Waylon is such a happier kid around others.
I hope you’re day ends well.
so glad we’re in this together! it’s nice to have someone to relate to because even though they’re a year apart, our boys seem so similar!
So true – hows does my 13month old already know how to stomp his feet – what the what! Oh but the good days – those are the days i don’t find pieces of banana in my hair!
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