Interview With A Single Mom

I’ve known Sarah most of my life. As my sister’s best friend, she was often at our house, in our car, or on our family vacations. I never minded, though. She was always the kind of kid who acclimated well into her environment. I called her “my other sister.”

As we grew up and morphed into who we would be, I found myself appreciating Sarah for more than just a fun kid, but also friend. When she told me she was pregnant during her junior year of college, I was surprised and worried. How would she handle it? What about school? What about the rest of her life?

9 Months later, a little angel was born. I tell you the truth: You will never meet a happier child. Full of positive energy and a lot of very important questions, Ivy is the toddler you’ve all been dreaming about; beautiful, smart, and well-behaved. I often find myself wondering, “How does Sarah do it?”

You may remember my family and I recently went to the beach. Sarah and Ivy happened to join us and after a week of observing them together, I thought it would be interesting to interview her about her experience as a single mother.

I sent her 13 questions and these are her answers.

I think you’ll find it eye-opening and inspiring. I know I did.

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1) Tell us about your pregnancy. Was it hard knowing (or not knowing) what was ahead?

I had a “textbook pregnancy” in every physical aspect. No complications of any kind; OB never had any concerns. She grew normally, and my body went through typical pregnancy issues: morning sickness in class, cravings for ice, back pain, and 26 pounds of weight gain. I had an eight hour labor, pushed for ten minutes, and she was here. In the room were my mom and dad, a nurse and doctor taking bets to see how many pushes it would take me (seven, thanks). My dad was my birthing coach. He did great.

Despite being blessed with an easy pregnancy in those terms, did I enjoy pregnancy? No. When I remember my pregnancy, I think mostly of the shame and fear I felt. I was not happy to tell anyone. I told the people that I had to tell simply because I had to. All but a handful of people’s reactions had bits of (if not complete) disappointment, disbelief, and sadness about how I threw my life away one night. Even many of the people that love Ivy to pieces now had an initial unloving reaction to my baby news. After the initial shock of it all, people did begin to reach out and offer words of encouragement (even though some felt more like condolences…ie. “we all make mistakes.” “We still love you”).  Little by little acceptance grew, as well as an excitement for a new baby Love. I think this began to happen around 6 months into my pregnancy. Then everyone was on board but me.

I had to work extra hard during my pregnancy to accept and become excited about what was happening. I tried and I tried to be excited. I can remember feeling moments of excitement; when I first felt her kick in a friend’s dorm room, at the three baby showers in which many loving people attended, when people asked to “feel the baby”. Despite all the support I did eventually receive from my family and friends, I still felt quite alone. I am the only parent of this child. How am I going to be the only parent of this child? I can remember thinking at one point out of sheer fear, that I would rather have anything but a child inside of me… a cute baby orangutan or a puppy… anything but an actual human being. For the last couple months of pregnancy, I referred to the baby bump as butterfly. Do I sound crazy? Maybe scared out of my mind. But you know what IS crazy? That anyone could have not been delighted about the beautiful being that Ivy is. She is a pure joy and blessing in endless ways. I regret that I had such negative feelings during my pregnancy. But it is what it is. I can only love her a ton extra now to make up for the love she missed out on while inside my belly. I am so thankful for Ivy. She is by far, my biggest accomplishment. I cannot imagine life without her and would not want it any other way. I could not be more thankful to be her mom.

2) What were the first few weeks like? The first year?

The first few weeks were an adjustment, naturally. Many friends and family came to visit and meet her. I remember always crying after they left. Just because I was overwhelmed…with hormones most likely. We adjusted. I started working some evenings just to bring in some money while I was still finishing up school and an internship. I would drive out to school one night a week and finished up the rest online, eventually testing out of 6 credits and graduating a semester early. The support of my parents was amazing. I will be ever grateful to them for their love during that time. I enjoyed watching Ivy grow and develop her personality. Taking pictures and watching her experience all her firsts. The bond we established is greater than I could have ever asked for.

3) Have you ever felt judged being a single mother? How? When?

Yes. When people look for my wedding ring. When people wonder why I’m not paying with food stamps, etc. I think a lot of people can have harsher judgments on single mothers that are young; assuming that we have lesser a capability to properly care for our child, etc. That’s just annoying.

4) You lived with your parents for the first few years with Ivy. How has it been living on your own?

Ivy and I have been living on our own for almost a year. I much prefer living on our own. Moving out was a very necessary step for all parties. Ivy and I can have one-on-one time together, our own gluten free household, space away from others and space to have others over to visit.  We still have sleep overs at grammy and pop-pop’s and Ivy still spends some week days there while I’m at work. My relationship with my parents has improved tons since to move. I am very thankful that I able to fully support Ivy and myself.

 5) What’s it like dating and being a single mom?

I barely have time to date. Especially if I want to do it right and not introduce Ivy to him until later on in the relationship. I have dated, long-term and here and there dates since having Ivy, and I don’t think that my single-motherness had anything to do with why things haven’t worked out for good. Not sure if I’ve always been super particular about what I’m looking for, but I sure am now that I have Ivy. It’ll happen when it happens.

 6) Sometimes I get teary thinking about you doing this alone. Is it annoying when people pity you or give you sympathy?

Pity and sympathy are not beneficial in any way. I value understanding and patience from others, as well as moms being honest and real about what they struggle with and how they remedied it. Encouragement is always helpful. Some days I am proud of myself for being strong enough to do all that I do as a single parent; other days I struggle and find myself wishing I didn’t have to work to pay the bills which would give me more time with Ivy. I trust that there will come a day when I won’t have to be away from her 47 hours a week. There are times when I am more aware of my single parenthood than other times.

I am a single parent in every aspect of the term. Without getting too personal, there is no shared custody, child support, weekend visitation schedules, etc. The only thing connecting Ivy to her father is DNA and a $50 donation. I don’t know if that will ever change. That will one day be up to Ivy. Taking it one day at a time is helpful.

 7) What’s one thing you’d like all of us non single moms to know about single motherhood?

I can’t think of anything specific. Parenting is hard regardless, especially when you give it your all.

8) How has motherhood changed you?

I understand the unconditional love you can possess as a parent. I understand sacrifice. I understand responsibility. I understand the paining worry you feel in your gut when you know something could possibly be wrong with your child. I have more motivation to be a better person than I was in the past.

9) Ivy is biracial. Have you dealt with any prejudices or issues because of this?

There have not been many instances of intentional negative remarks. I have had people ask me to categorize her as either White or Black, as if those are the only ones to choose from. Hah. Some have assumed that she is adopted because of her skin color, etc. There have been days when I wish nothing more than to change the color of my skin to match hers so that she doesn’t feel different. She is aware. She knows that we have different skin color. I have seen her defend herself when someone pointed out the difference; I have also seen her state matter-of-factly, with no emotion, that she is brown and others are not. I do not want her to ever think her skin color is a negative difference about her. She can’t get much more beautiful. When she points out someone different then her in public, in a wheel chair, with glasses, cultural clothing, dyed hair, etc. I try to make a point to praise the difference in some way. If we were all the same, life would be boring.

 10) What advice can you give to other women who are about to be single mothers?

Accept the situation you are in as soon as possible. Acceptance goes a long way. Surround yourself with people that will be loving and supportive. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but keep working your butt off to give your kid the best life possible. Give yourself credit; you are doing the best you possibly can.  Take your own time outs when needed.

11) I look up to you as a mom. Ivy is a really happy kid and you are very patient. In fact, I often find myself wondering: What Sarah would do? What’s your secret? Any great advice about parenting a toddler?

My advice for myself and other mothers: Don’t be afraid to be super silly. Chase her around like a wild woman. Make funny faces. Give her one-on-one, intentional attention. Let her be independent: when she is helping you cook, let her crack the eggs, even if it takes you extra-long to fish out the egg shells. Allow her to be part of the everyday tasks that need to be done – She can: help make dinner, get food out of the fridge to pack lunches, play with the soap bubbles while you wash dishes, give her own baby a bath when she gets hers, give her a little watering can so she can help you water the flowers. When she doesn’t want to help, remember that you probably didn’t feel like doing it in the first place anyway. Encourage her to be a helper so that she can discover all that she is capable of. Give her options so she can feel control in appropriate situations (clothing, food, rewards, books, etc.). Make a big deal out of little accomplishments. Have dance parties. When she disobeys, give her chances to make a good choice soon after and praise her for it. Take time to give good answers to important questions. Remind yourself that she is only three.

12) What’s the hardest part?

The bad days.

13) What’s the best part?

Everything else.

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Sarah graduated from Messiah college with a B.A. in Human Development & Family Science. She currently works as a Wrap Around Case Manager for a Behavioral Health Agency.

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