I used to be one of those girls who wanted to steal your newborn. Not in any weird baby-snatcher way (despite the super creepy picture above, circa 2009 with my newborn nephew), but in the way that whenever I held a fresh babe, my uterus glowed and my heart pounded I must procreate, I must procreate until I could barely stand it. Yeah, I was one of those.
It started from an early age. I’m the oldest of 17 cousins and about 30 different baby dolls. I started babysitting when I was 12 and didn’t stop until I was in my mid-twenties. I’ve just always been around babies and loved it.
When Waylon was born, I expected nothing less than to fall in love with his newborn face and newborn smell. I expected to stare at him for hours and miss him when he slept. I expected head over heels delight. I was not disappointed.
What surprised me is that now that he’s growing out of babyhood, I’m not sad. I do not mourn the loss of his tiny baby feet or tiny newborn hands. I do not look at size zero onesies and clutch my aching heart. I do not spy a newborn in the super market and weep.
It’s weird.
I have friends with babies younger than Waylon who are ready for another child. They are already picking out names and dreaming up second nurseries. I want to join in on this conversation, but I can’t. I’m still thinking about colic and praising the Lord that I can bound up and down the stairs without toting a whale gut. I’m still enjoying Waylon.
This is not to say that those other mothers are not enjoying their firstborns. In fact, I feel guilty hoarding my love and attention for just this one baby and often worry my heart doesn’t have room for another. In my darkest hours I think: What if a new baby comes and I don’t like him/her as much? Or worse: What if I like them more? Poor Waylon!
Realistically, I know my heart will grow to suit another, but the whole thing seems like a hassle. As Waiting For Birdy author, Catherine Newman, says before she gets pregnant with her second, “I like the relative serenity of raising only one child. I can imagine us up and going somewhere, if we feel like it. Our family, in short, is working pretty well the way it is.”
As I’ve mentioned, Baby Daddy is in the opposite camp. Just the other day he tried to bribe me into producing another spawn by offering me a chance at a brand new Ergo baby carrier that I’ve been wanting. Uh, no dice. 9 months of pregnancy alone is worth much more than 72 dollars.
If we get down to the nitty gritty of it all, I guess I’m just scared; scared of change, scared of it being too hard, scared of waking up at 3AM with two sets of vomit and nowhere to lie down. I look at moms with more than one kid and wonder how they’re doing it. I’ve even gone as far as asking stupid questions like, “When do you sleep?” Because even though I get it, I don’t really get it. It seems like I would have to give up any last remaining strands of freedom, and I just feel too selfish.
I’m not proud of this confession. I miss my baby crazy self. I miss pining over newborn clothes and clutching fresh babies to my chest in drunk wonder. I even miss spending 40 dollars on six pregnancy tests just to make sure it’s right.
What about you? Are you ready for another? Or more importantly, do you have more than one baby? Because HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?
I’m hoping you say it’s as easy as pie.
***
Nope. Thomas just turned a year a week ago. Perhaps this time next year, when he’s a little older, we’ll think about it. Also, we want to go to Disney World next year and I’d like to go and be able to ride the rides :P
Here’s how I see it: if I got pregnant today, the baby would be born before Tommy turned 2. I am so not doing that. :P
A two year old and a newborn. That doesn’t sound great.
No…I guess now that I think about it, it doesn’t. But a two year old can understand a bit more than say, a 15-month-old. And he will be closer to being potty trained then and the less time I have two in diapers, the better. :)
this is how i feel. i used to be baby crazed too, and say things like “ohh my poor empty womb.” and now i’m glad my uterus is in it’s tiny shrunken state. i think it just boils down to feeling this way bc I’m not ready for a second yet. this is reassuring bc i think, when i’m ready i’ll start to want another/clutch baby onesies /think longingly about my empty uterus. I hope so anyway, sometimes I worry those feelings won’t come back. :/
I have the same fear! Hopefully this is all just our bodies knowing what’s best (for now).
I’m right there with ya…+ 2. It is gonna be a while until number four, if there will be a number four! I think I just forget how hard babies can be. You have one, your world is turned inside out, ran through a hot/cold heavy cycle with bleach and then wrung dry, then a year or two later you fall into a routine and your like, yea, I can do it again. Honestly, just forget about sleep. When I keep track of the hours of sleep I get I’m miserable. When I judge how well I feel while drinking a cup of coffee and watching phineas and ferb im much happier. You need to lose a bit of selfishness with a husband and then with each child. I still have some though…. So I guess there is room for at least one more:)
You’re doing great, and you’ll be just as fabulous if not more so for anymore to come! Treat that as fact and dismiss all doubt
Thanks Christa! That gives me hope. You are a warrior mama.
I loved reading this. My daughter will be 2 July 8th & my c-section is scheduled for July 23rd for “baby boy.” I’ve really been struggling with how much life is going to change – again. Don’t get me wrong, we are thrilled to have another one on the way!! However as the weeks tick away I realize that the freedom of leaving our (one) child for the day with my parents are soon going to be gone. It’ll be watching the clock for breastfeeding times, stressing if he will take a pumped bottle (or not if he’s like his sister!), no more un-interrupted nights, always smelling like reflux-y spit up, etc. But when I think about the positive ways that my life as changed, I get goosebumps thinking that those joys will be doubled! I’m one of those Moms who loves the “mom things” – reading, coloring, playing with play dough together, going to the park, going on walks, etc. And I do worry about still doing all those things when another baby comes! I’ve always been one to feel like other things can wait, but these days with my daughter I’ll never be able to get back again. So as this comment clearly illustrates, by the minute I waiver between being confident that everything will be fine & feelings of “OMG what are we getting into??” I was talking with the sis-in-law we have in common just this weekend…saying that this time around I feel better knowing that the tough phases will pass. I thought my daughter would NEVER fall asleep without me nursing or rocking her, I thought she would be breastfeeding around the clock forever…but now I can’t even remember how old she was during the “toughest times.” They seem like a blurr & sometimes like they are in such a distant past, almost hard to remember (although maybe that’s pregnancy brain kicking in as a survival tactic!!) . :)
July 23rd! That’s so soon. You’re right, it will be hard but it will also be two times the joy. I’m still in the phase of never knowing how in the world Waylon will ever go to sleep without me breastfeeding (how DOES that happen, by the way?). I think once he’s sleeping through the night, I will be much more ready.
You are brave and you are strong. Thanks for sharing!
Not quite sure how the breastfeeding to sleep ended. Honestly I just remember feeling like “ok, we’re both ready for this” so I tried just rocking her (with her pacifier) instead of nursing & it just kind of happened. You’ll be surprised. One of these days it’ll happen! That was part of my criteria – she had to be sleeping through the night & completely weaned before getting pregnant again. And no closer than 2 years apart. Well…they’re going to be 2 years and 2 weeks apart, so you can see how well we timed that one! (And the first did not happen quite so quickly!)
I have a 7 month old, Holden, and he is a delightful baby who sleeps really well and eats really well. I have what most people would call a REALLY GOOD baby. I have no horror stories of illness or colic or anything of the sort. BUT I still find being a mom REALLY REALLY hard. It challenges me to the core every day. I can’t imagine having ANOTHER newborn….and I’m a baby LOVER.
I feel you. I don’t know how people do it. They’re much more brave than I am. Or maybe I’m selfish. Either way….I don’t think I’ll be able to have another for a long time.
Baby lovers on the fritz, unite!
most of the first 6 months of Jack’s life (#2) i was in survival mode. which basically means i wasn’t showering and probably drinking far too much wine. so what if i looked like an escaped mental patient. really where was i going to go with a 17 month old and a newborn… in January… in ND. there were plenty of times that winter we didn’t leave the house for days.
now they are almost 5 and 3 1/2. and you know what they are doing right now. playing with their “guys”. they still fight and scream and need their butts wiped but now they sleep through the night (most nights) and say sweet things like ‘you’re pretty’ and ‘you make the best food’. and i still get to drink wine, only now it’s for leisure instead of necessity.
you will do it beautifully someday. AND find humor in it.
Oh how this gives me hope. Thanks for the honesty and the happy ending.
Re: number 2 and number 3 and …. you just do what you gotta do to make life work! Really, it’s not that bad. Yes, I feel like my head will explode sometimes and I boil inside when they fight/don’t listen/poop on the driveway but those are just little minutes throughout the day. You can’t let them ruin life. Life is too short to sweat the pee on the floor and vomit on the sheets. YOLO! (haha)
I was staring at Bennet sleeping the other night and groaned to Brad that, “Oh dear, I’m going to want another one of these!” and Bennet’s only two months old. The smell of his head and cute little coos are just too fun. So don’t be surprised if I start wearing maternity clothes again…
Then again, I’m not sure I can handle the sore boobs a 4th time.
I can’t believe you wrote YOLO.
You are a baby making machine. Does this mean we have to listen to you complain about hating being pregnant a dozen more times? I don’t care. I love your spawn.
Duggers, watch out. You have competition.
Haha to both of you! Just be thankful that they usually come one at a time. My mother told me that when you have four, then you have your hands full! She went on to have five more – I have often wondered how she did that. But that was many, many years ago and she did have help every time a new baby came (sometimes it was a teenage niece who helped for several weeks). All that to say that my last two (#5 and 6) were easier only in the sense that the older ones helped and were good entertainment.
Like Zoe, I was a baby machine, but looking back I would do it again!
I’ve just (well, not ‘just’, she’s 6 months old on the 24th!) had my second child; my son was 2y9m when she was born. I’ll be honest – I was petrified. Having No1 was all consuming and I couldn’t work out how I’d be able to do all of that AND look after a pre-schooler. And I suffered a sort of ptsd when I thought about having to give birth. As soon as I started showing and ‘feeling’ pregnant I got more terrified each day.
But the second she started coming, it felt right. I had a great labour, she was a perfect newborn, and she gets better and better every day. She barely even made a ripple in the how-much-work-needs-doing pool because she was quite happy in the sling while I got on with other stuff (potty training, yikes!). The most stressful time is when they both need something NOW, I hate prioritising my kids’ needs like that. It helps that No1 adores his sister and helps me :D
And my ovaries twang every time I see a newborn. I’d get pregnant tomorrow if finances allowed!
How hopeful! Thanks Meg. I love that the baby is just hanging out in the sling while you are potty training. Idyllic.
Two toddlers? Now that terrifies me.
Wow… I hear you on this! Willem turned 1 in January and lots of people are having baby #2 by this time… I think we will be ready in a few months but just not yet. I know part of it is selfishness because I feel like I finally have figured this all out at least a little bit and starting over scares me to death… I know I will need to give up even more normal life. Part of it is also because I want to do a really good job at being a mom and so I worry I won’t be able to stretch around and still be half sane by the time my husband comes home. Also don’t know if I ready to be gut-wrenching sick for several months with the boundless energy of a 18 month old. :-) But I do want him to have play-mates and I do like that newborn stage so much (if only it wasn’t so scary…) As you can see, mixed feelings here! But for today, I will enjoy life with just one!!!
Yes! We’ll be enjoying this life with one together for now. I hear what you’re saying about being worried you’ll stretch too thin. I collapse at the end of the day as it is. What would a number two bring? Here’s to hoping a good thing!
I was exactly like you (except for the whole needing to steal a newborn thing, I never really liked babies). Every stage of Isla June’s age was wonderful and I never thought, “oh, I want another one because this is just too wonderful!” it was more that I wanted HER to freeze in time so I could soak it all in just a little more. Then toddlerdom hit and I thought I could never manage another human being much less the one that I was attempting to raise!
Now that she just turned two, I might be ready. maybe.
Most likely when she’s three I will definitely be ready. maybe.
Enjoy him.
Thanks M.
You go first and then tell us about it.
I wasn’t even a TINYBITREADY when Eme was Waylon’s age. It wasn’t until she was about 18 months that the thought could even CROSS MY MIND without me writhing in fear, because the kid didn’t sleep.
So yea. I hear ya. I think it’s too early. It will snap when you’re ready again. Until then? don’t worry about having another, at all-life goes too fast anyway as you now know.
But you will want another. At some point. I didn’t think I would and I look! I’m knocked up.
Your friends with babies younger than Waylon thinking of new babies are cray-cray. BUT! I also think they’re in that “OMG THIS KID IS SO CUTE NOW AND GAH THEY DO EVERYTHING PERFECTLY SWEET AND ADORABLE” that it takes over and makes you forget some of the stuff that can come with newborn’ness. Hmph.
I’m so glad you’re going first with this #2 business.
It sounds like I’m talking about poop.
Can’t wait for your baby girl to join the world. Thanks for the reassurance.
My kiddos are 4 years and 5 years apart (3, 8, 12) and I LOVE it!! Wait until you are ready!!!
That seems like a good length apart!
One kid sounds perfect.
HAH. Quite right.
Oh man, I could have written this. Except mine would have a slightly different spin. I’m already pregnant. Oops. That was an accident. Before I was preggo, I wanted another baby sometimes, but I was going to wait just a few more months. I am so so so scared about who I’m going to love more. I was like you, loving on newborns SO much. Now I think Olivia is so dang cool, we’re buds, and are we currently accepting memberships into our club? Do we have a choice? Plus all this puking is making it hard to play with her as much as I want. I’m sure it will be great. That is what I keep repeating to myself. Thank goodness I have 7 more months for this to sink in.
Oh mama, I have to admit my heart panicked a little for you. But of course it will be the best thing (baby!) ever when the day arrives for him/her to enter the world.
Waylon is not currently accepting memberships to our club. He’s very exclusive.
Clearly the only way I seem content is to have them spilling out of my womb.
Somebody stop me.
You are a baby making machine. This is amazing to me. You must know a lot of things.
Our daughter was 2.5 years old when our son was born. I was ready, partly because SHE was baby crazy. It was adorable and awesome and there weren’t really any jealousy issues which I had worried about. Yes, it was crazy sometimes, but we didn’t even try to potty-train her before Ben was born. They are now 4 and 6 and such good friends. Bunkbeds, goofy jokes – I look back now and I can hardly remember what it was like to have babies. It just goes. so. fast. Which is good news, but also terrifying. I can see them in college already, omigosh.
p.s. Friends with more kids than I have told me that #1 is the hardest child to have because your life is changed. #2 is still hard because you’re adjusting to the more-than-one thing. But after that? piece of cake – just have as many babies as you want. (I have 2 children, FYI)
I’ve heard the same thing, but I’m pretty sure 4 kids is different than 2. Just a hunch.
The mere thought of some nasty stomach bug ravaging three children simultaneously has me completely content with my two. When you’re ready for another, you’ll know…and then you won’t sleep for a few years and will wake up one day and get at least three things accomplished in a row while they blissfully play together. And then it will all be worth it. :)
3 things in a row? That sounds amazing.
Good lord, I am no where near ready for a second child at this point. There was a good stretch of three months where my baby was so easy that I thought I could totally have another one right away. Thank god cooler heads prevailed and I did not get my wish because she is such a handful right now. I predict that she will be this way until she goes away to college so it may be awhile before I am crazy enough to get pregnant again.
It does seem a bit crazy to juggle a toddler and morning sickness. What if I want to lie down? That doesn’t seem possible.
Well, you don’t know me from Adam, but I’ve been reading your blog for several months now. You kill me, seriously. It’s great. Guffaw-ish great. Good job you.
I’m a 32 year-old momma of 5. I can relate to your fears of change, of hardness, of sleep-deprivation, all of it. I felt the same way. It is SO VERY NORMAL. Anyone who says it’s not, is lying. Promise. You are not alone.
Your other commenters were dead on–you’ll feel ready. Trust yourself. It doesn’t matter what others are doing, YOU’LL know what’s best for YOUR family. And you’re right, having another baby doesn’t force you to divide your love. Your ability to love increases, it’s crazy how it happens, but it does…and it’s beautiful. It doesn’t stop with 2, either. It still happens with #5. Go figure.
This is the coolness of creating a family. Each kid is different. You’ll love Waylon for different reason than you’ll love the next one, whenever she comes. And that’s okay. My OB said to me once, after explaining about their “surprise” 4th child, that, “you never regret having another baby, but you can regret NOT having another.” He’s right.
Having a baby is hard. It’s a sacrifice on so many levels. There’s no way around it. But, too often we focus the majority of our energy on what we’re giving up instead of focusing on all that we’re gaining by adding another baby in the mix. The joys outweigh the crappiness. But the crappy, hard parts are there, nonetheless. Try stepping back. Think about it, those hard parts last such a short time compared with the rest of life. You can do hard…it won’t last forever, and there’s hilarious awesomeness amidst the crappy, too. And before you know it, all those kids of yours will grow up and become awesome people who you don’t just love because they’re yours, but you genuinely LIKE them as people. You sacrifice now and reap the blessings later, and oh, how sweet those blessings will be. The things that are most important in life, that bring lasting satisfaction, are often those things that stretch the heck out of us…but they ARE worth it.
Holy cow, sorry for the novel (if you even got this far). You’re great. You’ll know when it’s time. Embrace the change. Set realistic expectations. Laugh. Cry. Take a break. Move forward. Start again. You can do it.
Thank you for saying hello! What a thoughtful reflection and sound advice. I also like what your OB said, and the last bit :
“Embrace the change. Set realistic expectations. Laugh. Cry. Take a break. Move forward. Start again. You can do it.”
The weird thing is that I believe you.
Thank you. Seriously.
Amen, over and over! Love the perspective of the OB guy.
I think I could have written this post myself because you said EVERYTHING I am feeling. I have so many friends and family that insist that we should have another RIGHT! AWAY! And I’m not ready. Avery is 13 months old and I am enjoying every minute with her. I feel like getting pregnant now would somehow divert my attention from her and I would lose moments I could never get back. The Husband and I agreed next summer we would try, that way when the new baby comes, A will be 3. And really? I am not ready to be crazy and big and pregnant and squeezing a watermelon out just so soon after only doing it a year ago. That mom-amnesia has not kicked in yet….I still remember it all!
Yes! I am also waiting for mom-amnesia to set in. Because I remember. I remember it all.
I feel much like you. When I was young all I wanted was to have babies. Not in that creepy way that would put me on Maury Povich, just in a way that I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I met my husband and knew I wanted to have his babies….two…maybe even three of them. We waited 9 years to get married and then another three until a baby popped out. My son Leyton is now 2 years old, and I am 100% confident he is our only child. The moment he was born I knew I got everything that I wanted and am completely content. The thought of having another frightens me more than excites me. My little guy is all I need.
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