I’ve never been one to cry over everything.
For most of my life I’ve cried only when absolutely necessary; weddings, funerals, sad Kevin Costner movies.
I like to tell people that I don’t feel very different after having a baby because besides the normal routine changes of becoming a mother, I’m still myself. I like the same things, listen to the same music, pursue the same dreams.
But the truth is, I have changed. For example, I no longer only use bathroom when I actually have to go (I’m just hiding). I’ve also become more fearful of others. Before Waylon, I was never scared walking in the city alone or worried about a creeper in the parking lot. Now I’m peering around every corner wondering, “Do you look like a baby snatcher?” I’ve even had a few embarrassing cases of thinking someone was in my house. A few nights ago I even went as far as waking up Austin out of a comatose sleep to check the downstairs (he was not pleased).
The biggest change, however, is the waterworks.
In the beginning, the tears were normal, hormonal! For months I walked around in a newborn haze, crying over his eyelashes and the smallness of his nose. I especially cried over the kindness of strangers or over other important things like being out of milk or finding a hair on my chin. Everything was very fragile, very dramatic.
A year later and nothing has changed. If anything, it’s grown worse. Now it all affects me; a documentary about sex trafficking, an old man helping me at the grocery store, the Olympics. My tears cannot be contained.
A few weeks ago my brother-in-law wrote to us from a relief project in South Africa. He told us about drop boxes for babies no one wants. It haunts me every day. No matter how hard I try to push it away, I see those babies lying there without a mother. I see their faces, I hear their cries. I feel their loneliness in my bones.
Something shifted the day Waylon was born. My heart became raw and never healed. Tears flow freely.
What about you? Are you prone to tears? Has motherhood changed the answer?
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Great post. Love the song, and it also moved me–but maybe it was also what you said.
I don’t have children yet, though I do find myself crying more as I get older. I thought it was supposed to happen the other way around. My mother says I should count myself blessed to still be un-numbed enough. I just find it to be a hassle, but I guess I should be glad.
It is an inconvenience.
Wonderful post.
How fitting for a rainy day.
I cried A LOT after my first baby was born, and not as much after the others. I think it’s because they’ve worn on me over the years. I hope that you don’t lose this. I think it’s more a blessing than a curse.
Good perspective!
It has changed me! Although, I was a crier before. Hard to admit, but true. In some ways I’ve become more hardened – for the better. I’m no longer bothered by friendly “advice” the way I used to be. I’m more willing to let a lot of things roll. At the same time, any mention of hurt children or unwanted children send me into a cold, tear-soaked, sweat. I really didn’t like kids before James. Now, I think we should take in all those box babies. I can’t bear the thought of an unloved child. Can’t.bear.it.
I feel the same way, I just cannot bear it. I can’t think of any child being abused or neglected because all I see is Waylon abused and neglected–and that’s too much for my heart.
My tears are reserved for private, and I hate that but I just can’t get myself to cry in public. I’ve burst into tears in one too many restaurant bathrooms. People probably think I have intestinal issues!
I have 2 kids, both have brought on the waterworks as well. I think when you become a mom you become more sensitive. And the hormones, they never leave!
Love the song.
This was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing!
First of all, I am most definitely more prone to tears since I had my children. I used to actually WISH I could tear up when I saw or heard something sad, because those around me would be crying and I would not. I worried that I was somehow unemotional and cold, although I really did feel things internally, just didn’t express it outwardly, especially in public. NOW, I am VERY likely to tear up, especially when I hear or think about something very sad that has happened to someone’s child. For example, I can tear up at the drop of a hat when I think about dear Anna, whose blog, An Inch of Gray, has recently chronicled the tragic loss of her dear son, Jack. This does always remind me to pray for hurting people, which I suppose is a good thing.
On a lighter note, Mad Men is my favorite show EVER. I watched the Season 5 finale on Sunday and this song made me sad, because now it will be at least a year until it is on again. The use of music in Mad Men is really quite good. If you are watching from the beginning, I envy you “meeting” all these interesting characters from the beginning. Enjoy!
1) I have banned myself from reading An Inch Of Gray. I was trying there for a while, but it was so heart wrenching that it was giving me nightmares.
2) I am in season 3! I better slow down.
I definitely cry more now than 5 years ago.
The baby drop boxes give me the sickest feeling.
Welcome to my world!!! I LOVE your sensitive side. I love you!! xo
I have ALWAYS been prone to tears. I am super emotional and having a kid definitely made it even more so.
The hubby loves that. :P
I was NOT a cryer before. Since becoming a mom, I tear up several times a day. I find it annoying.
Quite.
I most certainly have a horrid case of “baby-snatching” paranoia! I have to strap my daughter in her stroller/cart when we are out. And if anyone pays a little too much attention to her, or looks a little too long, I get freaked out. I check her monitor multiple times a night because I am convinced someone knows where her bedroom is and is going to break into her room – on the 2nd floor. I express my fears to my husband but he just adds it to the ongoing list of reasons how I am crazy! ;-)
Thank you for saying that, because I really do feel crazy. In fact, I want to keep him in bed with us longer just because it feels safer. I don’t know where this paranoia came from. Too many kidnapping stories I suppose.
this post made me cry. drop boxes….babies no one wants…my hands came to my mouth and i was a goner.
i guess that answers your question, but you already knew this.
I cry WAY more now that I have had a child. One of the oddest ones is loud cheering/clapping crowds. I could be at a heavy metal concert and when the crowd starts roaring it takes everything I have not to whimper like a baby. I get so overfilled with joy in that moment. The same thing happens when I watch big flash mobs.
There is something wrong with me! ;o)
I’ve always been a crier, but since having a baby I’ve started crying for different reasons. It used to be selfish crying. The “I’m lonely” or “someone hurt my feelings” kind of crying. Now it’s about bigger stuff, outside of me. I see a pregnant woman and I cry at that thought of a new life about to enter the world and how much love that mother is about to feel. I see proposals and natural disasters and old couples holding hands and stories about the loss of a child and I lose it every time, thinking about the greatness of love and the heart-wrenching experience of suffering. I think having a child opens our hearts in a new way. It makes them bigger and more receptive. There’s a new depth to love and a deeper pain for the loss of it. How many parents can say that they had no idea how much they could love their child until they had their child? Many, I’m sure. We’re different now. We feel the feelings of others. We Know how to feel for our child and, in knowing how to feel for someone outside ourselves, we’re better able to feel for the world. That’s how I see it, anyway.
Yes. I used to never cry and then I had kids. I love/hate it. :)
I can’t stand to hear that song, “in the arms of the angels”.
It’s animals that get to me, people not so much.
Yet another thing no one tells you about becoming a mom…the connection between bringing life into the world and your tear ducts. You’ve felt and witnessed extreme joy and pain. You know how much you have gained and how much you could lose.
My baby turns five today. Bring on the tissues!
I was thinking about this a few months ago, and since having my son, I’ve found it more difficult to cry. I hope I’m not the only one, most of the comments are the opposite of how I feel. When I was dating and then first married I cried all the time. (not because I wasn’t happy) I was just more emotional. But after having my son, the tears dried up for me. Perhaps because I feel that I need to be strong for my growing family and therefore cannot cry. It’s strange, when the tears do come, it’s very easy to stop them.
All of this being said, I am more sensitive to certain things now that I am a mother. Things like the drop box babies. But the tears, they just don’t come as easy as they used to. However, I think it’s better to have the tears than not, as annoying as that might be.
YES. to all of the above. paranoia, tears, all of it.
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Yes. I cry so much, so easily. Do you watch Bones? At the end of last season she goes on the run with her small daughter. I sobbed for a long long time. They aren’t even REAL PEOPLE. Didn’t matter, still touched.