Freewrite: Waylon

April 24, 2012

Getting back to the root of blogging with uninterrupted, narcissistic rambling.

*

I want to tell Waylon a lot of things. Mostly at night when I’m lying in bed, trying to put my mind on the back-burner. I think about his little life and how someday it will be big, with trips to the mall for sneakers and prom dates and soccer practice and college applications. I think about the mistakes I’ve made and the pitfalls I’ve avoided and wonder what I should say about it. I think about the day he asks me about sex and what’s divorce and why do people die. I think about the day someone offers him a beer and he’s only 16. I think about condoms and marijuana and Republicans. I search for the right words to explain it all and can’t find them, they aren’t there.

I turn over and thank my stars that, for now, all I have to worry about is diaper rash and stepping on an alphabet magnet.

*

Last night Austin and I stayed up talking. It was one of those conversations where you say how you actually feel about parenting, when you admit how terrifying it is. We spoke about our own parents, the good and the bad, what we want to emulate and what we want to leave behind. We spoke about our tendencies to overreact and to be unrelaxed. We admitted our shortcomings.

Some days I look at Waylon and can’t picture him even months from now. I can’t picture his toddler face or hear the words he’ll say. I can’t see the man he will become. Other days his life flashes before my eyes, playing in fast forward like a movie scene. I see his gangly legs and clean shaven face. I smell the fresh cut grass and hear the lawn mower chugging in the backyard. I feel my love grow.

It’s a funny thing, to be in charge of a life. We hold it like a robin’s egg even though it’s more like the bird itself; wild, independent, slowly slipping away.

***

20 thoughts on “Freewrite: Waylon

  1. karen

    I LOOOOOVE that last line.

    I’m in line waiting for you book now. I realize it might be a few years until it’s actually on the shelf, but after reading this, I figure I better reserve my spot now.

    XO.

    Reply
  2. Hannah

    You put my heart into words… it is such a terrifying, exciting experience to be parents and I just so badly want to do it right and yet, already see mistakes that I am making… of course, I’m human but still… I want to be my best!
    I agree with the others… in line for a book already!

    Reply
  3. Anna

    Beautiful, Kate. I loved this so much. It’s just so beautiful.

    When I think about having kids I only ever imagine them as babies and toddlers. The highest I can even fathom is elementary school. I’m sure it’s both the strangest and scariest and coolest thing, watching your own kid grow up. I’m excited for it, but also, I’m in no rush!

    You’re a great mom! I can see your love shine through in your posts about Waylon. And it’s as strong as anything.

    Reply
  4. Dara

    Love this :) And I totally get it…I have a hard time picturing Tommy as a toddler in a few months but other times, I can see him getting married, having kids of his own…

    Reply
  5. Pat Walsh

    Watching your child grow and change is very emotional, but just remember Waylon will always be your little boy.
    Also, I loved that you included condoms, marijuana, and republicans in the same sentence!!!!

    Reply
  6. Meagan@ Green Motherhood

    Man, this is good. so good. When I read your writing, it makes me feel like I can write. That is not true though. You make me tell me lies.
    How about you write all through the month of May and then on June 1 publish everything? It would shut down the interwebs it would be so monumental.

    Reply
  7. Julie

    That was so fitting and right. My son just turned 18. It goes by way too fast. You might anticipate things that don’t happen like you hope to see him go to his first prom, or dating but he’s not. Hes an independent thinker who challenges you mentally in a good way. He asks questions you should have asked but thank God for google. Your post made me even more nostalgic.

    Reply
  8. Heidi

    Beautiful post! On a side note, did I miss a post? Are you doing the monthly goal thing again this year? Or are you just giving up the internets in May?

    Reply

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