Does your baby ever act less than perfect? Scream like a banshee for no obvious reason? Cling to your legs and whine when you’ve spent all day holding her? Do you find yourself lingering outside by the trashcans just so you don’t have to face another minute of endless, godless, high-pitched despair? If this sounds familiar, look no further! We have all the answers here! Utilizing these ten tools of distraction, your baby will never cry again.*
One of the best ways to trick your baby into not crying is to play a little game I like to call “Hunter/Gatherer.” Leave a trail of Cheerios from one room to another and walk away. Baby is distracted for at least ten minutes crawling from one Cheerio to the next.
Pros: Your baby is learning basic survival skills (if there were Cheerios in the wild).
Cons: You will most definitely step on a Cheerio.
2) Stupid Songs
Singing stupid songs is one of my many talents. Keep baby on his toes by trying to figure out what the heck you’re saying.
hush little baby, don’t say a word
mama’s gonna to buy you a hairy bird
and if that hairy bird don’t sing
mama’s gonna to buy you a skating ring
if that skating rink is dumb
mama’s gonna buy you a brand new thumb
if that brand new thumb is scary
mama’s gonna buy you a garden fairy
and if that garden fairy’s too gross
mamas gonna buy you actress Glenn Close
and if Glenn Close turns out to be lame
mama’s gonna buy you a new last name
Pros: You can work on your rhyme scheme!
Cons: You are working on a rhyme scheme.
3) Forbidden Fruit
I know you’ve done it too. Baby is playing in the forbidden trashcan, but is so happy that you just let it go because, for the love of Pete, he’s being quiet.
Cons: Baby has just eaten a discarded fingernail.
4) Stories From The Farm
Babies love books that describe illogical farm animals. Why is the mouse driving the tractor? I don’t get it.
Pros: Michelle Obama says reading is great for kids!
Cons: You are hoarse from making horse sounds.
5) Music Lessons
Letting baby bang on the piano or strum the guitar will make him positively gleeful.
Pros: You are Parent Of The Year saying your 9 month old practices an instrument every day.
Cons: Your baby almost swallowed a guitar pick.
6) Lawn Care
Mowing the lawn is my favorite. I love the smell and the sound and most of all, the way it shuts my kid up within seconds of being strapped onto my back. Thanks lawn mower!
Pros: Your grass is mowed.
Cons: Your child may lose partial hearing.
7) Dental Hygiene
Baby’s love toothbrushes. High five for dental hygiene!
Pros: Shiny whites.
Cons: Drool. Lots of drool.
8) Great Outdoors
This may seem obvious, but sometimes I forget that if I’d just take the kid for a walk, he’ll turn into a different baby and then fall head first into a deep sleep.
Pros: Exercise! Vitamin D! Nature!
Cons: Socks, shoes, pants, jacket, hat…and the baby has to get dressed too.
9) Mirror Image
My aunt has a bajillion kids and taught me this trick. Take your phone and flip the camera around so baby can see himself cry. Not so funny now, is it pal!
Pros: Crying stops.
Cons: Now baby MUST HAVE THAT PHONE.
10) Someone More Interesting
If all else fails, pawn baby off to the closest relative or friend so you can retreat to the bathroom and play games on your iPhone.
Pros: Baby pretends to take an “anti-crying” stance in front of others.
Cons: Everyone thinks you’re constipated.
Tips & Tricks Brought To You By The Mother Of A High Needs Baby
*If this turns out to be true, I want your money.