Getting back to the root of blogging with uninterrupted, narcissistic rambling.
*
It’s funny how people change. Usually when I think about anyone changing, I picture something drastic and obvious like a new haircut or moving across the country to find some sort of Carrie Bradshaw love. But then recently I’ve been noticing the slower changes; people changed by spouses, surroundings, age. I’ve noticed it in myself the most. I’m more nonchalant, indifferent, I care less about what people think, and not in an awesome kind of way. I think it’s mostly apathy. Someone said motherhood would change me into a different person, but I only feel more like myself. Or at least, a truer version of myself. Waylon has made me tougher, sure. Softer too. I guess I should be thankful for that.
*
I went on a walk by myself the other day. The baby was down for a nap and Austin was home, so I walked a few blocks alone to see what it would feel like. I forgot my phone. I wish I could say I left it behind on purpose, but I didn’t. As I was walking, I realized it was the first time I was truly alone in a long, long time. No phone, no Internet, no baby, no fetus floating in my gut. It was weird. I felt a vague sense of déjà vu, like I had done this before. I saw myself at ten years old, twelve, sixteen. I floated outside my body for a bit. Afterward, I realized that if you’re having a cathartic experience over a walk alone–maybe you should change a few things.
*
I have exactly six shirts that fit right now. The trouble with baby-making is that your body gets weird. Nine months later, I’m still using that excuse. I want to buy clothes, but I lack the mental energy to do so. I know this is very un-womanly of me. You might suggest I bring a friend, but then I run the risk of having to properly handle a fashion conversation. I am the opposite of fashion savvy. Is there a word for that? I don’t understand when people say, “Oh, I could never wear that color.” I literally don’t understand the words they are saying. What do you mean you can’t wear yellow? Why not? Should I be concerned that I can’t wear a certain color? I think this general misunderstanding of fashion should be added to the list of reasons why I am not an adult. Not quite yet.
***
Certain colors just make me feel blah inside and out, like wearing tinted glasses that alter everything in a weird way; that is why I would say I “can’t” wear a specific color. But maybe it is a sign of immaturity… There is a thought for you.
I know what you mean… on so many accounts… motherhood changes you in a million ways… some good, some not so good…
I feel like you felt on your walk… in the shower… its a strange thing… but where else does a mother get to be alone?
And don’t get me started on clothes shopping… dear me! I don’t want to think about it and yet, I really need to… lets go together! :-)
Happy Friday!
Yes!
I am one of those people who say I can’t wear a certain color (orange). Now that I think about it, I have no idea why I say that. My mom always said it so I think that’s why I do too. Ridiculous!
And we spend so much time and energy trying not to turn into our mothers…
Keep these freewrites coming!
Hi. Usually a lurker but I wanted to say that I love the freewrites!
I so moved across the country pursuing Carrie Bradshaw love. Fail! Those changes never turn out that great. I did have a great haircut once…
I’m still using that excuse 28 years later. Don’t worry about it, kid. You have plenty of time ( to keep using that excuse).
Thank you Sharon Melbourne.
What an awesome free write! I’m glad you were able to get some time to yourself even if it was just a few blocks. I think it is so important to get away a reflect. I see Jesus do this a lot in the Bible he would go off and be by himself! And I know what you mean about the whole color thing…sometimes I walk out of the house and think to myself would “what not to wear” criticize what I am wearing right now? But then I’m like nahhhh I like it what the heck!
I guess I feel like if you wear it confidently, you can get away with anything!
I “can’t” wear colors that don’t look good on my skin. My skin has blue undertones – cool colors look good on me. I look sick and old if I wear yellow and orange, brown, black, and cream on top of my body near my face (so I have yellow shoes, for example).
I actually love this kind of talk – but shopping?! heck no. Hate shopping.
I can’t remember the last time I was completely alone. I’m going to take a walk and leave my phone behind, in honor of your freewrite.
Your skin has blue undertones? Like Avatar? That’s what I’m picturing. Awesome.
Enjoy your walk!
Pingback: End Of The Week Snacks {} | Motley Mama