My kid has a lot of toys. I knew it would happen. Long before he was born, folks came out of the woodwork to gift us with their leftovers, resulting in three hundred plastic trains, four hundred wooden blocks, and one thousand other small creatures and automobiles.
Of course there are favorites. Captain Calamari usually makes him laugh and there is a silly little train he always reaches for. Yet for the most part, despite having all of these incredibly colorful, noisy, and intricate toys to play with, the baby has decided he’d rather have a small piece of tape or a discarded toenail to play with. Gross.
I’ve come around to it I guess. Instead of forcing any sort of relationship with my old stuffed bear, I let him play with whatever he wants to–as long as it’s reasonably safe.
Here are the Top Ten “Toys” he’d rather play with.
Baby likes Box because it becomes his own little man-cave. He can poop, spit, and fart in peace without anyone saying “look how cute it is when he poops/spits/farts!”
You may say—> Doesn’t that clutter up floor space? The answer is yes!
Baby loves Remote because it is black and shiny and he’s not really allowed to play with it. Remote is second to iPhone, which did not make it onto this list as it is strictly forbidden and NOT A TOY (I’m talking to you, Waylon).
You may say—> “Um, we don’t have a TV” (loosely translated to: I am better than you). Don’t worry! You can get a remote control for pennies at the thrift store!
3) Camera Lens Cap
Camera Lens Cap is a favorite because it is attached to another item on the Strictly Forbidden list, Camera. Baby loves Camera Lens Cap because it is nice to chew on and looks like a big cookie.
You may say—> Doesn’t the lens cap get all sticky and wet when you let baby play with it? The answer is yes!
4) Power Cord
I can only assume Power Cord is one of baby’s favorites because it is kind of dangerous. So far exactly two power cords have been ruined due to baby’s sharp teeth.
You may say—> Shouldn’t you definitely not let your baby play with power cords? The answer is yes!
Baby loves Shoes because the bottoms are covered with dirt, grime, and animal feces. He also loves to chew in the soft corners, kind of like a dog!
You may say—> Gross! Shouldn’t you be giving your baby actual toys to play with? The answer, again, is yes.
Baby loves Dishwasher because it is rolls back and forth and often contains shiny, sharp knives and plates covered in chicken grease.
You may say—> Baby loves dishwasher because baby loves helping! I disagree. Baby is never helping.
7) Measuring Cup
Ah, the Measuring Cup. Measuring Cups are great because Measuring Cups are safe. When baby gets fussy, I often pull them out because they are magic.
You may say—> This is old news. My response? I had to be told to do this. Mommy dummy!
Baby loves balloons because balloons are shiny and floaty and look like something he shouldn’t be playing with.
You may say—> Are you sure babies should have balloons? My answer is, probably not.
Like Measuring Cup, Spatula is one of baby’s safer non-toys. Baby loves Spatula because they are fun to wave around and hit things with.
You may say—> That’s an adorable picture. I say, I agree.
Baby has loved Magazine from the day he laid eyes on one. Magazines are fun because they crinkle and rip and taste delicious.
You may say—> Don’t let him eat paper. I say, too late!
Do your kids chew through power cords too? Maybe you’re a better mom than that. Or maybe you chewed through them as a kid. I can only hope.
Obvious PS (So Something Terrible Doesn’t Happen And It’s All My Fault): Don’t be an ignoramus and let your kids play with unsafe objects, especially when you aren’t watching.