by Tina Fey
Any expert will tell you, the best thing a mom can do to be a better mom is to carve out a little time for herself. Here are some great “me time” activities you can do.
Go to the bathroom a lot.
Offer to empty the dishwasher.
Take ninety-minute showers. (If you only shower every three or four days, it will be easier to get away with this.)
Say you’re going to look for the diaper cream, then go into your child’s room and just stand there until your spouse comes in and curtly says, “What are you doing?”
Stand over the sink and eat the rest of your child’s dinner while he or she pulls at your pant leg asking for it back.
Try to establish that you’re the only one in your family allowed to go to the post office.
“Sleep when your baby sleeps.” Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.
Read! When your baby is finally down for the night, pick up a juicy book like Eat, Pray, Love or Pride and Prejudice or my personal favorite, Understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy and Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking some time to read each night really taught me how to feign narcolepsy when my husband asked me what my “plan” was for taking down the Christmas tree.
Just implementing four or five of these little techniques will prove restorative and give you the energy you need to not drink until nighttime.
Until next time.
From Bossypants (p. 243)