I have always wanted to be the flexible mom. The mom who takes impromptu trips to the zoo, laughs when her son brings a frog inside from the backyard, shrugs over spilled milk.
I was told that with babies, if I were flexible, my baby would be flexible too. I was told that if I was relaxed, low-key, and unscheduled–my kids would follow suit.
And then came Waylon.
From the moment he was born, this kid has been the opposite of flexible. First there was the colic, and then the teething, and now he’s just plain stubborn. Sure, he’s happy and sweet and a perfect angel when he wants to be–but when something upsets him, there’s no middle ground. He screams, claws, arches his back, and flails his head forward to let the world know that I AM NOT HAPPY. Some might call it spirited, I call it Jack Nicholson. Cute and talented when he feels like it, but a huge drama king when his water isn’t Fiji.
Often I worry that I’m doing something wrong. Maybe all that feeding on demand and rocking him to sleep wasn’t in his best interest. Maybe I should have let him cry it out when he was three months old. Maybe I’m holding him too much. Maybe he would have been better off raised by wolves.
I’ve mentioned more than once that I think putting babies on schedules and letting them cry is for the birds. Now I’m sitting here eating my words. One too many late nights and nap battles later and I’m reading him a story, singing him a song, and then laying his sweet little body down into the crib and walking away. “Time for sleep” I say, tears in my eyes. I know he’s going to cry and let me tell you, it is awful. But it’s what I have to do; I have to get some sleep, I have to do something else all day other than try to get him to nap, and most importantly, he is tired.
It’s been a long week of trying and failing. More often than not, we go up and get him. Austin has proved to be the ultimate pushover, giving me sad puppy eyes while our son screams upstairs. And then last night at 2am, I finally had enough. I wasn’t angry or upset, just exhausted. I picked up his tiny, tired, screaming self from the middle of our bed and carried him to his room. I kissed his forehead, laid him down, and tried to go back to sleep.
Two hours later, the three of us finally fell asleep in our own beds until morning. When he woke at 7 to eat, I brought him into bed, whispered “good job,” and we snuggled and slept in.
I still don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I do know that something needs to change because I may just lose my mind.
Thank you to my mom friends who said “I know it’s hard” and “You’re doing a great job” and “Your baby loves you and is not going to be brain damaged if he cries a little.” Thank you to one mom friend in particular who received a desperate late night e-mail asking if some mammals eat their young, because that would make me feel better about letting him cry.
I guess I’m not as flexible as I thought.
***
Do wolves do the Cry It Out method? I forget. I’m pretty sure they all sleep together. They also eat dead animals, so maybe they aren’t a good compass.
YOU ARE DOING GREAT.
It’s hard, really hard. No matter what, he knows you love him.
Pretty sure your baby is cuter than Jack Nicholson.
Way cuter. Jack Nicholson scares me.
Waylon scares me.
You are not alone. It’s hard but will soon be a distant memory. You can do it. Be strong! Your whole house will thank you later. Good luck!
This is proof you are flexible. Right? RIGHT?
I remember laying in our bed, pretending to be asleep FOR HOURS so the kid would get the point. Good news: he’s 12 and he sleeps like a log.
That is good news.
It’s hard and we are still going through the same thing. The first week of December, I said that’s it… something has to give! I started doing the Ferber method of crying it out with Brooklyn. They take it VERY hard at first because they know that if I scream, mommy comes. The first few nights were rough. She got the picture after about 3-4 nights. We went from getting up to eat 2-3 times, now to going to bed at 8:30 and getting up at about 5:15 am. That’s a huge improvement. However, round 2 came with the two top teeth this week. Yes, I fed and comforted her this week when she cried. Will I have to almost start all over Ferber style in a few days, yes! It takes time and is never perfect. Your a wonderful mommy and he knows it no matter what!
Thanks Kristy. I will think of you during these long nights.
We are in the same boat, mama. It sucks, hard. I’m trying everything short of letting him cry it out but I might just have to bite the bullet if it means I can get some rest. Something’s gotta give (and hopefully it’s not my sanity). Right now we’re doing this silly Pick Up / Put Down thing and it’s totally exhausting (physically, emotionally) but he slept for five hours in a row last night (IN A ROW!) so I might keep at it a while longer. I think it’s a lot of trial and error, plus a lot of toughing it out, so good luck. Here’s to a good night sleep.
Trial and error. YES. Poor firstborns.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
Each child is born with the sin nature. It is amazing how young they display this. Some sooner than others.
As a parent, the path you have to walk with each one is different. So no matter how much good advice you may get, it is not necessarily going to ‘work’ for you.
Gentle firmness and the grace of God will get you through.
Someone once told me when my first one was born that you can’t spoil them in the first 6 months. I found that is not entirely true. I wished I had started training (2) of mine (with the strongest personalities) at a younger age.
It is not that I have ‘ruined’ any of them, but I am fairly sure we would not be dealing with the degree of problems (the ‘weeds’ in their lives that are hard to root out) that we are now if we had been kinder, firmer and more righteous (read: on our knees praying and allowing the Lord to change us) than we were .
And here is the word of hope: Even if you ‘miss’ it now, it is not the end of the world. Children are amazingly resilient and each day brings a new opportunity to get it right!
Every day I wake up and think: Today is a new day.
Maybe that’s why my diets never work.
Sometimes babies are just difficult. It has nothing to do with what the parents are doing. Just follow your instincts. Always. Momma instincts are pretty powerful. Hang in there. You’ve got this.
Thanks Elizabeth.
I won’t say which guilty pleasure show I heard this same lament on, but their response…they’re always looking for boys in China. It’s a thought. Keep up the hard work.
Side note: Makayla saw your site and said,”oh, she’s a blogger? That’s a good career, good for her.”. Wisdom from a nine year old. You made it!
“they’re always looking for boys in China…” hilarious.
Mikayla! She is so wise in her old age. She should come be my nanny. Full circle.
I think there comes a point after lack of sleep has built up for the better part of a year when you’re willing to try ANYTHING. We tried cry-it-out during one of these moments of desperation, and quit part way through due to feeling like monsters. In another moment of desperation, we tried a not-cry-it-out method (that ridiculously involved at least the same amount of crying) and it worked (!)… until we went on a trip, and I was not about to do it all over again. I ended up nursing him to sleep until he was 2, by which point weening was pretty easy, but he didn’t really sleep through the night until then. I say, if you find something that works (and doesn’t cause long term damage to you or the baby), go for it. Staying sane is important. :-)
Very, very wise.
You can’t spoil a six month old.
But you need sleep. And sanity.
You are doing fine, mama.
Motherhood: The Marathon!
Okay, Kate. I have lived all the the things you’re saying. I hate schedules and am proudly non-type a. I was sure this would all reflect onto my kids. But they never slept on their own that first year and seemed to always be nursing or being held. Right around the time I was peeing while nursing, or eating Ritz crackers for lunch bc the baby couldn’t handle being put down, I knew I was going crazy. But I made it out alive.
I’ve learned that just about the time you reach your breaking point (with anything), something will change. And things will get easier. They will! And, I’m proud to say that although I did eventually let my kids cry it out and take naps at the same time everyday, I still consider us to be a pretty easy going, flexible family. We do go to the zoo on a moment’s notice, and leave right around naptime so the kids can fall asleep on the way home. Somedays we lie around eating cookies, somedays we leave the house at 8 am and don’t come home until dinner. Messes happen and I don’t really care. I don’t make beds that often. We do go with the flow, and that just gets easier as kids get bigger and nap and eat less often.
IT GETS EASIER. Please tattoo that to Waylon’s forehead.
You always say the best things. Do you feel incredibly wise? I hope so.
Just recently I was talking a (non-mom) friend about A and I said something along the lines of “being a mom is way harder than I thought it would be”. She snickered a tiny bit and said “really???! how? what is hard about it??” I think I laughed at her disbelief and said “just wait. you’ll see.”
You are doing a great job Kate. THIS IS HARD. Waylon is lucky to have you as his mama, and one day (maybe when he’s post college?) he will tell you so himself.
I JUST said the same words to a non mom friend tonight, but not because she was giving me advice—just because I want everyone I know to be going through this at the same time so I don’t look like such a crazy person.
Also, thank you.
You are doing a GREAT job!! Anyone reading this blog knows can see how much you love Waylon and want only the best for him!
Reading this post brings back so many memories… I let my son dictate his own waking schedule in the night until he was 7 months old. He was still up 3 times a night, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had even fallen asleep for a few seconds while driving, and thankfully!… only had a minor fender bender. We finally let my son cry it out. Daniel would go into his room to try to calm him – let him know he wasn’t getting food, but that we cared – my son would cry harder. The first 3-4 nights were 2-3hrs of intense crying. (I remember taking walks so I wouldn’t have to listen to it, opening the door upon returning, hearing him crying still and wanting to go back outside – it was September though, not January.) It gradually got better – but it took more than 2 weeks until I could put him to bed and confidently know he wouldn’t be up until morning. All those tears – both his and mine – WERE worth it! The payoff of having the evening to myself after the kids are in bed is how I keep my sanity.
I too consider myself fairly laid back – I don’t get upset about pee on the floor, messy clothes, dirty fingers, markers on the table. We go to the park on a whim, or take walks in the rain. Sleeping the night through will give both of you more energy to be spontaneous and more emotional stability to go with the flow during the day.
Keep it up Kate! You’re awesome!
omit “knows” in the first line – need to edit more
Natalie–this gives me such hope (especially because I know you and know you’re a laid back person). I feel like we are in need of constant affirmation about this choice because it feels so awful–like we are really hurting him. But I feel like I have to look out for us (our own separate sanity and our marriage) too.
Good – I’m very glad it gave you hope!! It’s a hard, hard choice – but you’re really giving him a couple wonderful gifts – the gift of a more rested, patient, and attentive you (in the long run), the gift of a more stable marriage b/c you’ll have more energy for that. And Waylon is probably feeling just as crappy as you – waking up every couple of hours, but he doesn’t know any better… so maybe (??) he’ll even be a little happier. You can do it!! (And tell Austin he’d better!!! back you up on it! He’ll be happier too.)
I have tired a relaxed version of schedule and I have tried on demand. I am against ferber (crying it out) and I’m against not giving a child space to grow. I will give my kids ten mins max ad flip out cry. Some children are needier. My second I used on demand and he still doesn’t sleep through the night. The ones I used a lax schedule sleep and are on more of a routine.
You ARE doing a great job. Routine is security andwarming to to a child – I don’t know a psychologist yet that does not give that advice for children and babes. Balance. Seek balance. Pray. Some crying is healthy. U will have this same despair mommy moments often in the next few years or I guess the rest of his life. They change form though. He will sleep at some point BUT I have to tell you, age 3 is worse- when he looks at you and does the exact thing you asked him not too and so on. It’s not easy right now but you are in control. Try to relax through it. Stress doesn’t help anyone. I’m just stating In 2 years I look forward to your blog b a 3 year old is quite the experience. Lol.
Motherhood is harder than people think – but we I love it. Far more good times than bad :)
Love these words from an experienced mama. When Waylon is 3 and (maybe) there are even more babies around here–I’m sure I will look back on these posts and laugh.
we put our kids in muzzles at night. they get used to it. social services schmervices. Hmmm…Etsy shop?
;)
Perfect.
You know how I feel. He’d be better off raised by wolves.
I kid.
I know better than to mess with sleep deprived zombie moms.
You are doing great. You will survive this. It sucks balls and YES it makes you wanna cry. I remember having so many nights freaking out inside thinking how I had to have done something wrong. MY KID WON’T SLEEP. OMG. I NEED SLEEP. I swear. It feels awful now. Sooner than you think you’ll look back on this and it will feel like a distant memory.
Until then? Mo’ coffee.
Thanks for knowing it’s hard. All these nods of affirmation make my heart swell.
You’ll be sooo incredibly proud of him when he accomplishes this! Hang on, Kate. It will happen.
Okay. But it’s 10:52 and he’s screaming and I might die.
Dark times.
Feeling your pain……I really am.
Order Indian food. And beer.
1. you are an AWESOME mom
2. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/09/7-reasons-to-calm-down-about-babies-crying/
HANG IN THERE.. b/c i am RIGHT THERE with you with our nine month old and good GOD i miss sleep…
I am reading this article in a very dark hour. Thank you.
Pingback: End Of The Week Snacks (1.20.11) | Motley Mama
I’ve not commented before but this issue always strikes a chord with me because I know how hard it is. We only have one kid, but we did the cry it out thing at about 6 months and it was the best thing we ever did. I remember the utter exhaustion that sets in after not getting a few hours of sleep at a time. And honestly, being the one that nurses the baby and “doesn’t have to go to work in the morning” gets really old and makes you feel like you’re going through it all by yourself. So it’s not even always like you and your husband are really truly in it together. And you are absolutely right, something has to give. It’s not good for your baby to have an exhausted mama. Anyway, having her cry took about 4 or 5 nights, but she went from getting up several times a night to eat to sleeping for 8 hours at a time. And now as a two year old, when we say it’s time for bed, she gets up and gets her jammies on and brushes teeth and climbs right into her bed. She knows we are the ones that decide when it’s time for bed and she isn’t going to get her way so no need to throw a fit. I probably get more sleep now than I did before we had her. It’s truly worth it to get them to understand how to sleep on their own before they get too old. And you literally will not remember what being this tired is like, not too long from now. You’re doing awesome – keep up the good work!
I am reading this literally seconds after pulling him out of bed after crying for 20 minutes because I feel bad. This is good encouragement! I keep hearing about these great results to come, so I really need to stick with it.
Thank you for the comment and encouragement, Megan! And thank you for acknowledging that it’s not equal parts here in Parentville.
Just be consistent – rub his back till he sleeps or leave him and not come back. Something consistent. So kids are more needy. Some have freaking strong wills. I do to l ow which your little one has but only u can gage it and you have to go off that. ! Is it anger? Need? Etc. put a good mi vie on and stay up late. :) for a few nights.
3 Things:
1. Encouragement. I echo the other comments in saying that it’s obvious how much you love Waylon. Keep trusting your intuition. Yes, being a mom is hard and heartbreaking at times, but you’re doing a great job.
2. Commiseration. Our son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 9 mons. old, but he’s 7 now and he sleeps like a champ. Looking back, I think he was just really sensitive. He slept with us (probably out of desperation) for a long time, until I (like you) was so exhausted that I decided we needed to do something different. So we too tried to let him cry it out, and IT WAS TORTURE.
3. Helpful Ideas. Every child is different, but here’s some things that worked with our son –
a. Routine — 7:30 bedtime worked for us. I like to think I was setting the stage for a theatrical scene. We started at about 7 with a Soothing Bath time. Then we dressed him in Cozy PJs. Then we read a short, restful Story. Then I sang him a little Song. Then I’d snuggle and nurse him in his dark room. I really dislike routine, so this was a huge effort, but we did the same thing every night, and it worked for us.
b. A Full Baby Belly — I would hold off on nursing him until right before bed. Then if he started to cry when I left, I wouldn’t feel as bad because I knew that he wasn’t starving. A mom needs all the comfort she can get.
b. Sound Machine — Our son seemed to respond to the sound of waves. I think it blocked out the other noises in the house, and it was soothing. I would turn it on during the nursing/snuggle time. Then I would slide him into his crib just as he was drifting off, but not totally asleep. We used the sound machine until he was 4. We could take it anywhere, and it helped our son to sleep even when we went on trips because (I think) it created a familiar environment for him. It was a life saver.
Hope this helps. It WILL get better!
Oops, I wrote 2 b’s in my list.
Great tips, Heidi. Thanks so much for your encouragement. I like what you said about your baby being sensitive. I’m pretty sure that’s Waylon too. We’ll probably end up co-sleeping with him for a while until we figure out something else.
I really like the co sleeping idea. My sensitive child I co slept till 20 m.
That’s good to hear. I’m just worried about what happens when you take them out of your bed? I’m afraid he’ll be sleeping with us until he’s 15.
Currently shopping for King size beds.
I switched Ethan from bed to floor to his own room. I think the hardest thing was people giving negative comments about it and being hard on me for it. I would do it again in a sec. When u look back u won’t regret it.
We have a free king mattress but it’s plush and softer. We just wanted a little firmer. Let me know if u want it-
Hey Kate! I haven’t gotten to read your blog in awhile, (hmm, I wonder why… ;), but I really like this one, and the letter one! My friend just got pregnant and I want to give her the letter, but I don’t want to scare her either!
So, I never thought I was going to be the cry it out type Mom either, but Nola started resisting the swaddle (my go to sleep association), and I was stumped. Actually, I whole heartedly recommend this website for sleep issues, and coming up with a plan. http://www.babysleepsite.com. The free stuff is good, and the personlized sleep plan that we paid for was worth every penny. I was more in the mindset of not crying, but then when I found out it was only kind of a whimper for a time, it worked miracles! And now, after our nap routine (yes, I used to rock her to sleep all day as well), she fusses for 5-10 minutes, but then goes to sleep. I feel like I have time and sanity again. But each personalized plan is different, so that’s the nice thing about it. And writing the family sleep history form is VERY cathartic. Good luck! And your boy is beautiful! :) Jen
Thanks for the website, Jennifer!
Sleep is tricky, isn’t it? We’re still figuring it out. I really hate letting him cry it out, it goes against all my mama instincts. But it will probably come to that soon. Right now we’re still co sleeping and nursing to sleep, but I feel myself slipping into zombie mode lately because I’m not sleeping well.
Anyways, I appreciate the kind words. Love to Nola!