Freewrite: What I Will Do.

January 9, 2012

It is Sunday afternoon and I have nothing to write. I thought about blogging about breastfeeding and how it’s so different and better now, but I worried you might die of boredom. I worried you would read about the closeness and the bonding and the love and you’d keel right over your desk, mouth open, your last words “if only she could’ve been more interesting.”

I worried your relatives would call me, very upset, and I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m sorry? I’m sorry that breastfeeding is so boring?

It wasn’t worth the risk.

Finally, out of desperation, I googled “writing prompt generator” and clicked on this link. The dancing pencil and URL quickly led me to believe that it is for grade school students, but I disregarded it and hit “random.”

“One day on the playground at school, you see a large green bag. Suddenly, the bag begins to shake. Write a story about what happens next.”

So this is definitely for kids. Next.

“Imagine that the time is late at night, you are at home when the telephone rings. Create a story that includes this scene.”

It’s probably my mom, asking me if Waylon pooped today. Next.

“I think a true friend is someone who…”

gives you better writing prompts. Next.

“If I were on a deserted island I would…”

totally take a nap. A ten hour, uninterrupted, long and peaceful nap. I’ll worry about the rest later. Next.

“The world will end in one week.  What will you do until then?”

Eat cheese and lay in the sun. Next.

“You have to babysit a pet chimpanzee.  Write about your experience.”

This is exactly the kind of writing assignment that makes a child hate English class. Next.

“Suppose aliens abducted you as you were walking to school. Write a story telling about this experience.”

This is exactly the kind of writing assignment that made me fear getting abducted by aliens on the way to school. Next.

“If an alien visited my home…”

Again with the aliens.

Fine.

*

If an alien visits my home, I will tell him that I cook with onions.

I will tell him that my kitchen makes carb heavy, gluten packed meals that often contain curry and that if he’s on a diet, he should probably leave.

I will tell him that if he’s going to take his shoes off in the house, don’t leave them where I’m going to trip over them.

I will tell him that my baby cries.

If he asks me about Twilight, I will say that I haven’t read the series but I don’t mind if people do. Lord knows we all have our guilty pleasures.

If he asks me about The Bieber I will refer him to my brother-in-law who has watched the music video for “Baby” one million times.

I will show him the Internet; Maru the cat, the sneezing panda, Google. I will show him Pinterest.

If he asks about Facebook, I will tell him it’s like going to a high school reunion every day–except you don’t have to wear pants.

If he asks about Twitter, I’ll pretend I don’t know.

If he asks about love, I will tell him it’s very steep.

If he asks about sex, I will draw him a map.

If he asks why my husband is blowing his nose on a hanky, I will tell him that I think it’s pretty gross too.

We will listen to music and I will tell him it’s all the same, that it doesn’t matter what it is–as long as it helps you feel something better.

If he asks about dancing, I will put on my old college playlists and tell him I would do just about anything to go back.

I will tell him about childhood, about sidewalk chalk and braces and growing pains.

I will tell him about my first kiss and how you shouldn’t marry someone just because you want to do it more.

I will offer him other advice, too. I will tell him to never buy off brand cream cheese and to always let the mom with the screaming baby ahead of you in line.

If an alien visits my home, I will ask him to stay for dinner. I will offer a bed and a towel and a washcloth.

If an alien visits my home, I will make breakfast.

I will apologize that we have no coffee in the house because we aren’t coffee drinkers and everyone needs to just shut up about it.

If an alien visits my home, I hope he stays.

***

32 thoughts on “Freewrite: What I Will Do.

  1. Dara

    For not having anything to write about, that was pretty good!

    Also, I still loved English class despite the ridiculous writing prompts. Most of the time, I ended up writing my own stories while the teacher was talking :P

    Reply
    1. Zoe

      Me too. I haven’t yet detected a difference. Then again, I don’t usually eat plain cream cheese.

      (I do NOT, however, buy the low-fat stuff. That IS disgusting.)

      Reply
          1. margo

            I can’t believe that I used to buy fat-free cream cheese – what is IN that stuff?? Or in fat-free half and half? It reminds me of white paint.

            Reply
  2. Sharon Melbourne

    Ha! I like this. And if you can come up with it in just 24 hours–you are a rock star. It would take me seven years to write something this interesting.

    Reply
  3. Viv

    You should have totally wrote about the large green bag that starts shaking.

    But anyways, I liked this and I’m totally with you on the cream cheese.

    Reply
  4. cindy

    I want to eat cheese and lay in the sun now.

    I also want to rewatch the sneezing panda.

    This is a nice read for a munday.

    Reply
        1. margo

          at least you don’t keep instant coffee for your coffee-drinker visitors.
          I’ve always loved coffee. LOVED coffee, just the taste, not necessarily the caffeine.

          Reply
  5. Erin

    See, this is my whole problem with blogging. I’m just so boring, how on earth am I supposed to write five interesting things a week? For the love.

    I DO judge the woman who read Twilight. Do you judge me for judging them?

    Any meal with curry is the right choice. Garam masala is correct as well. As is Turmeric!

    Finally, I never find breastfeeding posts boring. If anybody wants to talk about how they keep their baby alive using only their breasts, I want to read about it.

    Reply
  6. Heidi

    This was so fun to read; it was like that children’s story, If you Give a Mouse a Cookie, but written for grown-ups! Also not that you need it, but if you’re ever looking for inspiration check out Mama Kat’s website:
    http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/

    Click on the Writing Workshop button at the bottom right of the page. She comes up with fun writing prompts, and she also does a weekly link-up.

    I find that it inspires creativity.

    Reply
  7. kim

    Whoa. This post reminds me so much of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie…I love it. And you. And your husband. And of course, my favorite blog baby, Waylon.

    This comment took an awkward turn. Sorry.

    Reply
  8. Anna {dear friend}

    Hi Kate–

    I just came looking for your blog since I noticed you recently started following me on the twitter. I’ve also noticed you via Elizabeth’s blog.

    LOOKS like I came to the right place.

    This post is perfect. It’s perfect because, yes, I agree with what other people are saying about it’s similarities to “If You Give a Mouse A Cookie” (I teach 1st grade), but also because it just makes me really like you. And I hardly know you (except I figured out your first name is Kate).

    Now I’m going to go back further and stalk a little more.

    Nice to meet you!

    Reply
  9. Elizabeth

    Love this. Lay in the sun and eat cheese. Mmm. But not off-brand cheese. Shit. I think I just bought some the other day. I hope I don’t totally regret it (I usually get the good stuff but the cart was so full already and I just…well, I blew it.)
    Anyways…great post. Very funny. ;)

    Reply
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