Momfession #9: Criminal Acts

This is the story of the boy who cried and the mommy who caved and the policeman who didn’t find out and cart everyone away to jail.

This is a story of a major mommy fail.

A while ago I mentioned something about how our dear Auntie Pat hosts a two day soirée for all the women in the family at her home in Morgantown, WV every year. It is quite the event and it just so happened to take place this past weekend.

I was really excited it, but anxious about the 4 hour car ride with a baby who equates the word car-seat with torture device. I considered leaving the kid with Baby Daddy until I was given a speech on how he must study this weekend or he’ll have to drop out of medical school and turn to a life on the streets (I may be dramatizing this a bit).

So I went, with the baby, on Saturday morning at 8am with a van load of women and two tons of crap to keep the baby alive for 48 hours.

He fell asleep the second we pulled out of the driveway. I thought, “what an angel.”45 minutes later he was screaming to wake the dead and I was developing sweat pits the size of Montana.

I tried the nook. I tried the bottle. I tried a silly song about peanuts. I tried shushing and smiling and disapproving stares. I tried it all and was met each time with the most pitiful face you’ve ever seen followed by more of that dreadful crying. And then I took him out of his seat.

I know I shouldn’t do this. I know it’s dangerous and irresponsible and against the law. I know, I know, I know. But when you’re in a tiny space with a lot of people and there are many hours of road ahead and you know the baby could potentially scream for hours straight without stopping (because he’s done it before)–it just happens.

So I fed him and that was that. I promise to (try to) never do it again.

The good news is that he was unnaturally cheerful during our stay which made things very relaxing.

The bad news is that I still feel terrible about it. I feel like out of all the “new mom” stereotypes, I am in the irresponsible one. This makes me very sad.

New Mom Stereotypes

Overachiever Mom

Motto: “Sleep is overrated.”
Characteristics: alarmingly cheerful, wears high heels, never has poop on elbow
Can Be Found:  crocheting thank-you gifts while nursing baby
Warning Signs This Might Be You: You were the captain of your college field hockey team.

Know-It-All Mom

Motto: “It’s so interesting that you think that.”
Characteristics:  prone to lip-pursing and eyebrow-raising
Can Be Found: sending mass emails on how formula will probably make your child grow a third arm
Warning Signs This Might Be You: No one will answer your calls.

Hysterical Mom

Motto: “My baby hates me!”
Characteristics: Shoes on the wrong feet, crazy eyes, little bits of food in hair
Can Be Found:  calling the American Academy of Pediatrics headquarters
Warning Signs This Might Be You: Baby’s first milestones are eye-rolling and playing the world’s tiniest violin

Irresponsible Mom

Motto: “He/She’ll be fine!”
Characteristics: Perpetually forgetting the diaper bag, dressing baby in inappropriate outfits for the climate
Can Be Found:  taking baby out of the car-seat in a moving vehicle
Warning Signs This Might Be You: You are typing this list.

A moment of silence for poor Baby Baer. May he make it to his 18th birthday.

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